I think I'm going to dye my normally platinum blonde (natural of course... how else did I end up with platinum eyebrows as well?) hair blue over the weekend. Bright, very, very bright, blue. Unless someone here can give me a reason not to.

I asked the company president a year or so ago if it was all right if I dyed my hair orange. He said that in light of the fact we are trying to portray the image of a bright young software company, having an employee with orange hair might actually be an asset to our image. I agreed. So I got orange hair. But now we've moved into a new office building and a lot more people see me in here (mostly b/c a lot more people are nosy here, but we won't go into that), so I am actually a little nervous.

Bleh. Have I lost my edge?

About Thanksgiving, I sort of see Dad's side of things now, and although I don't agree, I see his point. He reminded me of a bunch of things I had forgotten, and I feel a lot better about things with my bro. I got to see my brother and a bunch of my closest friends when I was home, and the best part (yes, the best part) was seeing my little sister. She is going to be five at Christmas, and she is really great. I am so blessed with a wonderful family and great friends.

I wrote a journal entry yesterday, and received some helpful responses to my questions about an iBook. I should have guessed, however, that my non-technical questions (this is slashdot) would get some lame troll-like responses. What surprised me the most was who they were coming from. So here is my response to a few of you (you know who you are)...

Wait! Last I checked every one of you has a reputation of trying to pass yourself off as the epitome of tolerance. Swell. Well, I just read what some of you wrote, and this is what it sounds like:

"I am tolerant only insofar as I am tolerant of whatever it is politically correct to believe, or really, wherever I want. You are shallow because you have religious beliefs that I don't agree with. You believe something is wrong that I don't believe is wrong, and not only are you wrong to believe that, but you are intolerant and rude and need to re-evaluate your beliefs. I am going to ignore the original question about what to do about your dad and step-mom not trusting him and how to get them to, and instead comment on how dumb you are that you don't trust him, even though you didn't say that, and also ignore that you don't try to convert your brother to your beliefs, you simply shake your head and still hang out with him, and his boyfriend too, but make it clear to them that you don't want to hear about certain of his activities that you don't approve of, and instead say that I'm not surprised to see such things because shallow people like you will always be shallow."

Good Lord. Where did you people learn to read? Either you really and truly did not read what I wrote, or you are not nearly as tolerant as you sound. I have a right to have my beliefs. I do not have a right to impose my beliefs on others, and I would not even be very nice if I were to shut out people who don't believe the same things as I do from my life, but you people, on the other hand, have decided that because we disagree, you guys get to make shallow comments? How does that work?

Further, some of you do not like my crack addict analogy. Please reread the previous and substitute my not wanting to hear someone bragging about how they voted a KKK member into office, or how they dropped a bomb on a third world country, and you still have the same concept. These are things that I believe are wrong. You don't have to believe that they are wrong; you don't have to agree with me at all. But the instant you tell me I am shallow because I have a belief, you have lost all semblance of tolerance and are now exactly what you are accusing me of: intolerant. And if you want to talk about how the world is not nearly as black and white as I see it, well, I'm sorry, but I have chosen to see black and white and grey. I'm sorry if your world is so boring and has only shades of grey.

I am still interested in trying to figure out how to convince my dad and his wife to re-establish communication with my brother without validating their opinion that his lifestyle is wrong. Because I believe his lifestyle is wrong, but I don't think that I get to dictate what people's lifestyles are, and while I can't stand up for his lifestyle, I can stand up for him. The reason I still hang out with my brother is because I value him and I don't value judging him at all. I wish I could get them to take the same stance. Who cares if you disagree? Who cares if you think someone is wrong? You should still care about them and want them there at Thanksgiving with you. You should still talk to them and love them. This is as ridiculous as not inviting my brother to Thanksgiving because we know he voted Green and we all voted Democrat. Democrats and Greens can sit at the same freaking table, but apparently I am the only Democrat in the bunch who wants to make friends with everybody, even the Greens.

Ok, rant over. Anyone got any advice?

BTW, some of this is merely annoyance at the responses of a few friends via email, not on the thread. The people on the thread were pretty nice I think.

Shimmin and I went on what I will describe as a date in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. He came over to my place at 3 am and then we went east of town (the Leonids would be in the east, so we wanted the city lights behind us) and watched the meteor shower. I was a little silly in picking a place to watch from, and we drove around probably longer than we had to, but all in all, it was amazing. We saw a lot of meteors in the two hours we were out. Afterwards we went back to my house and I cooked him breakfast.

In other news, I am trying to figure out what to think about my brother. The other day he just "let slip" that he had been at a conference in Portland for some GLBT group. I love my brother. I even love my brother's boyfriend. But he knows how I feel about that. And, what bothers me more than that, is that I am starting to think that maybe my dad and his wife don't trust my brother not to be a freak and stuff around my little sister. I want them all to be happy together. But yet I can't resolve the issues in my head, so how on earth can they? They are from the generation that can't leave things unresolved so I feel like all parties involved are sacrificing their relationships based on some judgement of each other. I'm sorry, but my love and friendship for him come way before anything else, and theirs should too, and his love and friendship for them should come before his judgement of their judging him. Maybe this will never work out. Such is life. Any thoughts on how I can get my dad and his wife just to ignore it (other than the obvious one, pray)?

I, unless otherwise convinced by all of you folks, am going to buy an iBook in the near future. Even though I use pc's at work, I have always been a mac owner for personal use (don't ask why, I didn't even plan it, it just sort of happened) and now I want to be able to write wherever I want, cafes, bars, Haiti, whenever something comes to mind. Is there anything I should consider here, other than that now is a great time to get all of the MS Suite software for it from the Apple store b/c it is $200.00 off? Or does anyone want to say that I should really get an AirPort or an iPod?

No, I am not writing a book. But doesn't that sound like a great chick-flick sort of name?

I have been working on a gigantic project at work for a while. It must be done by the first of the year, so I am going to have to go into hyperdrive mode in a few weeks (in all probability). That's okay though, because after the new release in January or February I will be able to sit around and not worry again for a few months. Alas, those days are not here yet, but they will be eventually.

My roommate is going to move out I think. She's been adjusting pretty well to life-after-rape, but we just have some major differences. She hangs out with the variety of people that I would like to stay as far away from as possible: sure I would be nice to them on the street, but they're just not the kinds of people you want to know where you live, much less hang out at/spend the night at your house. I told her that I love her, but I think she is a terrible judge of character, and that puts not just her in danger, but me too when she is living with me. She actually took it pretty well and is going to move out in the near future.

I have been on cloud nine for weeks. Some of you may remember that I had a crush on a fellow /.er a few journals back. That fellow, shimmin, is not just amazing, he is also my boyfriend. I met him a few years ago through church, and I am not going to divulge any more details at this point, but some of you may remember my little laundry list User Bio a few months back. Those of you that remember will be pleased to know, that he fits the description. No, I am not going to do any speculating about where this is potentially going though.

I was reading the frontpage article about Generation X. I am proud to say that I am not a member of Generation X. Yes, I am a child of a baby-boomer, but I was born in 1979.

I once read something that a friend of mine wrote regarding generation titles. I think that there is just a fundamental difference between people of the one generation and the people of the next. It has to do with thought processes and ability to accept things they cannot explain. So here is my fine analysis:

Generation X: Rough Definition. These people are people born roughly between 1965 and 1978. They want to know why everything works, or if they don't (mostly because they don't have an inquisitive mind), they don't know how to program their VCR because they never learn how to use things that they don't understand. If they are Christians, it is probably not because their parents raised them in the faith so much as it is because they have had direct revelation of God, and have rationalized the heck out of it. Or if they are Christians just due to parental influence, they are a Christian-on-Easter and Christmas, and maybe on Sundays kind of phenomenon. They are eager to learn, highly cynical, and doubt everything that is not proved to them.

Generation Y: I fit in here. I know how to use things. I know how some things work. I am really not interested in how most things work. I don't have to understand everything, I don't have to know everything, and all of this stems from the knowledge that by the time I was born, there was already more stuff out there than I could possibly learn in one lifetime, and I don't want to bother myself with learning anything I don't decide is really worth learning. I am a Christian. I can't prove God to you. Or to myself, nor do I have to. All of my ducks need not line up in a row, and it doesn't bother me one bit. We Y's are able to split our thoughts, hold opposing views, information and opinions can be unreconcilable with other opinions... that's the way it's been our whole lives. Most of us are that way.

I don't know if I made any sense, but this is what I think. I think it's a fundamental difference in thought-patterns, ability to leave notions unresolved (you Xers out there will probably say that isn't a good trait though :P it's a flaw).

Those numbers are not hard held either, as far as when people are what.... Someone wrote that if you were in grades 7 through college when Cobain died, and you know who he was, and how he died, that you were a Generation Xer. I almost agree with that. That would push the boundaries around a little, but then I count as an X. And I know people younger than me that count as Xes by that standard. But then, I know people older than me by a year or two, that taught me it was all right to rebel from the upper-classmen's need to define their thoughts so rigidly, so I suppose someone has to be the innovator.

Unapologetic Stereotypes: I have been reading people's comments to this, and I am noting one thing in particular... I didn't mention enough about Generation X. I am going to remain unapologetic about stereotyping people here because this is one of the major generational differneces. Generation Xers hate stereotypes. They want to be their own person, they want to be defined as differently from all of the rest, they don't want to be lumped into a single category. There is a reason for this feeling. They saw their parents as so many cattle being herded. They don't want to be that. They also want to be conscientious of everyone. Hence they hate generalizing everyone.

Well... the generation Y response to this is "well, duh, everyone knows that everyone's different." We also know that most people know that by now (we grew up with it being a fact... thanks to you guys, we really ought to be grateful), and given that that is a fact, we aren't going to give up the stereotype, because it does one thing very efficiently, and that is categorize large groups of people into broad trends.

If you are a Gen Xer, and you are immediately thinking about all of the exceptions to these generalizations and are thus forming logical arguments based upon these exceptions to refute this loose generalization, you are proving yourself just that: a Gen Xer. They are just that, broad generalizations! I even state above that I know of exceptions to these norms.

Thanks to the Xers: We Y's think you X's are very cool. You rebelled against the standards put forth by your parents, in big ways by dressing differently, in little ways by refusing to think about stereotypes, and you guys grew up at a very cool time. You got to see Star Wars in the theaters and like it the first time you saw it. I got to see it at a slumber party when someone's older sibling insisted that I watch it when they couldn't believe that I hadn't seen it. I didn't like it, because at the time I wasn't interested in it. I wanted to do other girlie things during that timespan. You guys got to watch the technology roll out, and got to play with the next new thing. The next new things were coming out so rapidly when I was a kid, I would be caught up for a week and then behind again.

More importantly, you guys set the scene for all of the things that we take for granted today. Yes, we take them for granted. We take for granted that everyone is different. We take for granted that new things will always come out. We take for granted that people with authority shouldn't abuse it, but we don't have to go to the extent of avoiding titles and awards in order to keep everyone sitting at the round table.

A Recap: These are broad generalizations. If you are an Xer, you will likely object, because Xers don't like broad generalizations. That's ok, in fact, that's great, because if it wasn't for your tendency for that, we couldn't take your social strides for granted. And if you still don't like it, congratulate yourself.

Reality is a little green worm. And yesterday, it bit me on the finger. But then all these nice people who read /. came and gave me antiseptic and stuff, and then a little later I prayed about it and I know that it'll heal in good time. :)

My dad says that people who are firmly grounded in reality and are actually trying to see the big picture will always get a little depressed every once in a while. They see the way things are, they see what they are doing with their lives, and they are apt to feel like it is time to reanalyze things every now and then. This week, it is my turn for reassessment.

The good news here is that hey, I must finally be grounded in reality! The bad news is that I have a lot of work to do. Starting today.

Thank you everyone for your very nice posts. I have been thinking about it and I have concluded that I need to revamp some things. The first of these is that I need to spend less time writing emails and posting to /., at least until I get my house cable ready. So I apologize right away to all my friends (and fans) if I don't read every one of your journals. I'll still read some of them, and reply when I have something pertinent to say, but I need some time out without media and time-wasters whilst at work.

The second thing that I need to do is spend more time exercising and with God. So this morning I woke at 5:30, made some tea, and walked all over the neighborhood, praying the whole time. I need to do this more often. I like to tell myself that I do it enough, but since I don't do it every day, I don't do it enough. I read an interesting thing yesterday. "Prayer saves time." It's really true. Martin Luther, the still talked about founder of the Lutheran church said that he usually spent two hours a day praying, except on really busy days, then he spent three. I don't think I'll be devoting that kind of time to it, but if I can walk around and pray for 45 min. to an hour every morning I think that will be a good start.

The other thing that I have realized is that my successes often dictate my mood. I have been doing something for church for the last two weeks and it hasn't been going that well. So the lack of success is probably in part what sparked this whole downturn of mood. So I'm going to seriously try to keep those kinds of things away from my determination of self-worth.

Finally, I need to spend more time with my friends. I need to sleep less. I need to do more. I need to watch my tongue and make sure that nothing untrue slips from it especially if it seems harmless. I also need to start eating better. Sure, I look fine according to everyone I know, but I weigh more now than I ever have in my entire life, and I don't feel as good as I used to. Part of that is getting older, but part of that is putting on weight. I weigh now 30 pounds more than I did in high school. Sure, I hide it really well... but still. I was not undernourished in high school.

Anyway, there you have it, Liora's self-improvement plan. Prayer, exercise, healthier living, less self-indulgence. I hope I do all right.

BTW, Shimmin if you're reading, we're just going to be the best of friends and ignore all of this nonsense. :)

I am really a pretty lousy person. Two things have reminded me of this in the past three days.

I went to school with Miss America. (Yes, now everyone knows where I went to school... get over it.) She is (apparently) a very beautiful and nice Christian girl who works really hard and happens to be talented enough to win the Miss America Pageant. But when we were in school, and even up until about an hour after I found out she had won at church on Sunday, I hated her.

She sang really loud, so loud in fact, that it upset the balance in a few choruses. (I actually sing very very loudly, so her singing much much louder than I is really quite a feat.) She waltzed into our Japanese class sophomore year where the rule was no one did the homework and promptly ruined the very delicate balance we had by doing the homework. And, she wasn't a real person. I mean, here we were, kids with slight problems with alcohol and drug abuse, and she was there all quadruple stars and lip waxes. She lived in some fantasy world where it seemed like she looked down her nose at us with real lives.

So someone told me, at church, that a girl from Urbana Assembly of God had won the Miss America Pageant. I hadn't even known she had been Miss Illinois. And I was quiet, and finally said that I had known her but hadn't exactly gotten along with her in high school. The young adult pastor got on me there... "She's such a sweet girl. Don't even go on like that." And about an hour later, it hit me... she is a sweet girl. Those smiles are not fake, she did all the work because she was a hard worker, not to show off, and I had actually looked down on her because she was a Christian and living rightly and doing all the things I now wish I had done. So, Erica, if you're reading, you're awesome. And I'm really sorry.

The other thing that has been reminding me of late that I am not a great person is my love life. So, Shimmin, if you're reading, please stop or read on and don't tell me about it or something. I like a guy. Yes, he reads slashdot, hence the warning. And yes, he could feasibly stumble onto this thing, and no I don't really care because I am sort of in an "I suck, and who cares if anyone finds out," sort of mood. (Frequently my mood during introspection... my faults have never been something I have felt like I needed to hide.)

So anyway, this guy. He's amazing. And I have sort of been trying to decide what kind of person I want to be when I grow up lately. I know that it will involve spending lots of time with God and helping people all I can and taking the high moral ground at all costs. But if I look to where I want to be if I ever do actually start dating this guy, and where I am now, I fall short terribly. By my standards, not his or anyone else's, except maybe God's, but then we all fall short of that. I am really a very terrible creature. I'm lazy, mean, I drink, smoke, lie, cheat, steal (okay, maybe not cheat or steal), and am capable of thinking about the worst things on earth.

How is great personal change initiated? For the better, that is, and standing for all that is productive, decent, honest, integrous, and pure? I'm sort of sick of sitting right where I am. On sleepless roads the sleepless go, may angels lead me in.

Nirvana: Smells Like Teen Spirit
Counting Crows: A Murder of One
Dave Matthews Band: Two Step
Jimmy Eat World: Sweetness
Absinthe Blind: Rising
Superchic(k): One Girl Revolution
Five Iron Frenzy: Every New Day or One Girl Army
Tori Amos: Yes Anastasia or Mr. Zebra
Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Venice Queen
Loudermilk: Rock N Roll N the Teenage Desperation
Led Zeppelin: the Rain Song
Beatles: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
Billy Joel: Scenes from an Italian Resturaunt
Lifehouse: There Goes the World
Everybody Uh-Oh: Serious Mode
Hangman's Daughter: Pretty Things
Julianna Theory: If I told you this was killing me would you stop
Dvorak: New World Symphony
Anyone: Begin the Beguine
Eminem: Without Me
Orff: Carmina Burana
Nelly Furtado: Shit on the Radio
Reliant K: Sadie Hawkins Dance or The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
OutKast: Gasoline Dreams or Rosa Parks or B.O.B.
Boxmaker: Get Away or the Tunnelling Song or Thermocline
Underworld: Born Slippy
detachment kit: The Illustrious Daniel Boone: Pioneer of Social Ingenuity
Lauryn Hill: Everything is Everything
Eagles: Take it Easy
Doors: Break on Through
Jethro Tull: Thick as a Brick (all gazillion minutes, not the radio version
Lemonheads: Mrs. Robinson
Simon & Garfunkel: Bright Green Pleasure Machine
The Who: Pinball Wizard
Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama
Iggy Pop: Lust for Life
Beastie Boys: Sabotage
Bob Dylan: Subterranean Homesick Blues
Paul Kotheimer: Noah's Pub
Rick Burkhardt: The President's Head

No, that list is probably not exhaustive, but it's all I can think of right now.

I have gotten a lot done at work today. I have read the weekend journals of every person on my friends list that had something to say, but I really can't think of anything to say back to you all, so I am just going to update my life.

Calc is really easy. I feel like an idiot though b/c I still can't remember how to do row operations on a matrix, but at least I have a nifty little TI-89 that will put everything in row reduced eschelon form for me. Not that that's required for the class, but when you're solving systems of equations (like for the intersection of two lines in three-space) it's faster than algebra, and in my case, much more reliable. So far there hasn't been any actual calculus... it's looking mostly like linear algebra. The funniest part about this is taking this class gives you credit for a 200 level linear algebra course at most major universities, and for the final calc course that comes before Diff EQ, usually 200 level, but the matrix part isn't until the last 6 weeks. But from what I've seen, all we've done is elementary linear algebra thus far. I suppose 'all will be revealed' at some point.

I'm quite satisfied with my choice about DG. And I'm just laying low for a while. Things are great, I went to visit my mom for Labor Day weekend, I drove on back roads the whole way and found that the more direct state highway route uses half the gas, is 2/3 the miles, and takes the same amount of time as the interstate route I am used to, and it is much more enjoyable. If I'd had time, I could have stopped at garage sales, antique malls and even a few town festivals on the way there on Saturday. My mom and I hardly fought the whole time I was there, aside from the usual gripes, and that was to be expected. She's back to yelling at me for breaking up with the boyfriend before DG, but she just doesn't understand that the relationship fell apart, it wasn't me just deciding to end it. Or rather, it was my euthanasia, but the relationship was terminal anyway, and dying fast.

I hope all of you had swell weekends. Am I the only person who did not eat any type of grilled food?

Some Woman, Com2Kid, FortKnox and I have been discussing the online community here and how it got pieced together. So, if you have a minute, please tell us, in the words of Some Woman who was your gateway drug. As I just said in Com2Kid's journal, mine was stumbling across banky's journal one day, and then reading the posts of others such as TechnoLust and FortKnox in it. Where did you step in?

I just thought I would take (another) moment and say that you all gave the greatest advice... I did not do the time apart thing. I talked to my mom, and she asked me a few well-formulated questions, and I concluded I needed to break up with him based upon my answers.

So, as suggested, I broke up with him, cleanly and immediately. I did it over the phone (yes, bad form, I know, but I knew that in person he'd talk me out of it, and then I'd just have to do it again later). I went down the checklist as suggested 1. breaking up, 2. why, 3. he will find someone else 4. goodbye. Yeah, that's what I did.

Well, I'm a little down, and I called him last night although I probably shouldn't have, but we didn't get back together from it, and hopefully my calculus book is returned and sitting on my front porch (school started today... I am taking the 3D calc class and it uses the same book as the last one...). Thanks a bunch. I shall write personal thank yous later, but I have to get some work done this morning.

Thanks so much to those of you that gave me such wonderful advice yesterday. The guy didn't even show up in court. It appears he knows its an open and shut case and he is just going to lay low and serve his time, probably in an attempt to shorten it. I am doing all right. This whole thing means that I won't ever have to see the guy, which is good news for me, because I never want to. My roommate is also happy because that meant that she didn't have to testify. Well, now that I spent so much of yesterday freaking, I need to get some work done...

I am doing okay, and I'm going to be all right, as is my roommate. I'm going to go talk to someone at church in the next day or two. Again, thank you dearly. Each and every one of you who replied were incredibly thoughtful and understanding.

I haven't written about this in my journal yet, and I wasn't going to, but I sort of need to vent. Especially since I feel like crying, and I am at work and that is not exactly allowed.

On the July 5, 1:00 am, a very loose acquaintance of my roommate's walked into my house and raped my roommate. We keep the doors locked, especially at night, but she had unlocked the door to take Kody the collie out and then would have locked it after putting Kody back into her kennel. Except that the guy walked in right after Kody was locked back up. Kody is pretty traumatized by this too, having been in the kennel and unable to do anything.

My roommate did the right thing and went to the hospital immediately and then to the police, and the guy was picked up later that night and she was able to identify him, plus she had gone to the hospital and they had done a rape kit.

Anyway, that was days ago, I'm not scared to be in my house even after all that, probably because I'm an idiot and I'm not afraid of anything, but today he goes to trial. And she will have to testify against him. And I am going to go along with her for moral support. But here's the thing. I am distraught and upset because I'm not sure how to deal with the feelings of having to see the person who violated the sanctity of my new house that I just purchased. In some ways I hope he gets the book, and in others I hope he gets off because there are plenty of people, my friends even, who are waiting to form a posse for the fellow, just because he put me in a position to be upset about my house and stuff. But in other ways, I'm really struggling with my faith. Christianity, turn the other cheek, blah blah, this guy raped my roommate. If ever there was an unforgiveable sin I would think it was that one. In some ways I am incredibly mad at myself for wanting this guy to experience some kind of pain in return for his terribleness, but in others, this guy is scum and death is too good for him! Any thoughts or consolation that could be offered at this point would be greatly appreciated.

I ran across an article on Wired News today that talked about the doomsday path of spam. The article directs you to an example map that shows a company specific (but I can only guess hypothetical) path for a poor unsuspecting bloke's email address. What I suspect it does show fairly accurately is which companies are awful enough to send your address off in a list down the long dark spam-filled road to complete box-swamping.

What offenders do I recognize? Yesmail, I know some people who use that. TicketMaster! Everyone has to use TicketMaster! That sucks. Gevalia? The coffee people? That's good coffee. Flower.com? Well, I won't be using that site to send my condolences anymore. Xerox Corporation. My uncle is an engineer for Xerox. That's a big company. They do it?!?!!! Of course I've heard of Columbia House, BMG and Publisher's Clearing House. They junk your snail mail; it's not surprising they spam you too... Sylvan Learning? Isn't that where you get tutored for like the GRE or something? Darn. I would have maybe used those folks.

What I find so disturbing about this is that there are places I would probably have trusted with my email on this. I just bought a house and went through Royal Bank of Canada for my lending, but imagine if I had gone online? How many different online mortgage companies are there? Are any of them NOT on this flowchart?

I have been thinking about spam more and more as my lycos email account keeps getting more. So far there has only been one that was so unsolicited I have no idea where it came from, but I have a feeling it is the beginning of the end. Thank goodness pop3 accounts to me are largely disposable.

problem:
bsod
cause:
screwed by yet another friend
cause:
faulty logic
faulty logic:
people will be nice if you are nice to them
user proves they are an idiot:
logic was working fine right up until the system crashed
break:
what, you want to talk to a ten year old? yeah i once was one
kid:
install selfish, miserly, and callous, uninstall faith in humanity, then reboot?
question:
operator error as usual?
answer:
apparently