I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to choose anymore. I can't cut my ties with the past. I can't move forward. Fear leaves me nothing but uncertainty and denial. I know what I have to do, always have. But a large part of me always lives in the past and refuses to budge. I try to get her to join me, just leave it behind, it is no good for anyone now. I need all my strength. Please come to me. Please.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to choose anymore. I can't cut my ties with the past. I can't move forward. Fear leaves me nothing but uncertainty and denial. I know what I have to do, always have. But a large part of me always lives in the past and refuses to budge. I try to get her to join me, just leave it behind, it is no good for anyone now. I need all my strength. Please come to me. Please.
Looks like China isn't cool with the USA cornering the market on endless, unwinnable wars.
Remember the bridge in Newport? I think we both agreed it's like a highway to heaven, a gate to paradise. It's so worthwhile, the waiting for your realisation, the awakening of you, I know it and know it so much now. On halfway, there were tears flooding my pillow, music played a thousand times. Then I knew Loving also makes you strong.
I used to believe honesty is always the best policy but no more. I am really ambivalent about honesty. Am I really honest because I don't want the other person to get hurt or because I want to make myself feel better? I think telling the truth to make yourself feel better is the worst kind hypocrisy.
To me, it's probably a mixture of both: I can't deal with the confrontation and I think I should take care of my own guilty garbage, spare them the drama. I don't know anymore. I do not wish the lie to last forever, just until I decide to come clean (wishful thinking!).
Do you know how does lying feel? My limbs went weak, my stomach was sick, I was terrified. I felt as if guilt grab my arms from behind, my neck and back turned stiff. But I couldn't show any of it. I was composed and painted the picture I wanted them to see. As I waved goodbye, I knew it would be a long time before I see them again but they waved back as if they would see me soon.
I don't know how people do it. I didn't expect it to be so bad..
It's been a tough year, mixed with hardship as well as joy. I am not confused anymore because I have made up my mind what to do. But to make it work, I have to lie.Guilt is a funny thing. They are the people I care about but they are also the people I protect myself from. I try not to think about it so much because the guilt will eat me up and break me. I don't to break. I am so close. Lying requires so much work. But what needs to be done has to be done. It has to work. It just has to.
If I were a boy, I would have stronger shoulders.
If I were a boy, I would not notice my neck.
If I were a boy, I would have kinder shoes.
If I were a boy, I would not have a cellphone.
If I were a boy, I would know how to clean up.
If I were a boy, I would be more careful with calculation.
If I were a boy, I would take a shortcut.
If I were a boy, I would know how to paint.
If only "If I were a boy," sounds less intangible.
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.
