If an interviewer starts to ask you a question which begins with a tortoise on its back, flip the table and run like hell, man.

If I leave a package of Oreos on the floor and a toddler with no impulse control and no reason to have impulse control at that age anyway gets into the package and eats them all, is it the toddler's fault for being a toddler or is it my fault for leaving the goddamn cookies on the floor?

You are in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and the CEO of Comcast. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

You shoot the CEO twice.

When your little boutique startup catches fire enough to go IPO and get listed on the NYSE, then you may have to make a few ethical and moral compromises to keep that Mercedes.

A degree in cosmology takes years of study and research. A degree in cosmetology can be obtained in six months. Your girlfriend will laugh and ridicule your opinions in cosmetology, but you feel fully qualified to comment on the current questions being studied in cosmology.

My greatgrandfather invented a trunk and a radiator to hook onto a horse.

Once the students see a guy crucified on a plus sign, they'll know we are serious about our math.

The prison library called to say there was an overdue book on his account:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H...

As someone said when informed that Jerry Garcia was in a coma: "How could they tell?"

Will this newfangled Internet still have to come into my house over the Comcast wire?

Yes, but your science keeps getting corrected and refuted. My religion is free of mistakes.

That would be the Tower, no?

This is great! When did this new department start up?

Those are great. You have a political party around which believes in these things?

Hit the lawyer.