"When I kissed you, it was so real."

"That's such a nice thing to say. That's the kind of thing I'm going to remember when I'm 50 and not pretty any more..."

No, I wasn't pensively pineing away, this truly just hit me, I think it is a resurfacing of an older though.

You don't fall in love with someones strengths, you fall in love with their weaknesses.

I think I am just trying to say, strong ppl don't need you. And perhaps are less evocative.

Tomorrow is turkey day, I'll be spending it with the family... I suppose others have it worse.

Perusing hotornot for several day straight, taking time out only to download "media," and shirk my homework. Searching, pathetically, desperate for human contact? I don't think I want to embrace the computer as that kind of substitute, just yet...

Or just surveying the field. I've been to the mall, every weekend. On the prowl. I need to move on, for this one, keep on the balls of my feet, agile. I think I would dwell on this one forever. I haven't been this taken with eine madchen since Adrian. I need to put her out of my head. And the best way to do that is replace it (the lonliness) with something. I've spent 2-3 days online, helping #samba and #freebsd. I'm thinking to put this on my resume. :)

Anyways, here are my musings from browsing through so many faces on hotornot. I'm holding strong at a 7.6, a picture of me in shirt and tie, with chelsea, at some x-mas event.

I imagine I might do well with the ladies, as pretty much all of them say they are into piercings and tattoos, which I have in spades. Thinking about getting more... ;-)

Everyone on hotornot lists "fun" or "having fun" as an interest... NO SHIT! Isn't that why it's called "fun" you simpering soddomites! (ahem)

"you only live once, so have fun." "You only live once, so you're going to waste it on frivolty?!"

Another characteristic, that is widely accepted, and little questioned, is spontaneity. Apparently this is the sole demarcation point between happy shiny ppl, and loathsome caste-offs. And yet I postulate:

Which is more admirable, spontaneity or forethought?

Will tonite I slumber deep,
Or doomed am I to forsake sleep?

One Love,
PHiZ

To trust someone to put a knife to your throat is one thing.

But to welcome it?

Justin B. was listening to Tori, all day, and it was still on when I came over, just like the hotornot girls, Tori reminds me of you.

Tori is "his hero" supposedly. He confided in me, that he, has a strategy where he takes things from a relationship, and makes them part of his self, he suggested I do that with Tori/Ani. These don't appear to be musicians that match my moods, but what do I know?

We went to the bar, bullshitted, I talked about a summer internship auf Deutschland. I tried to collate the two different sinusodial notations used in my electronics and math class

it sucked when you deleted your livejournal. You had said some really nice things about me. Those things are my sole memories of you putting something into the relationship. Maybe saying that is harsh, but it's close to true. As far as my memories and perception are concerned. I'd welcome you to correct me, but we're not on so much speaking terms. :(

so here is what I remember, of your sometimes disjointed and surreal writing style. As a sidenote, you were so dynamic and intrigueing, you said I made you feel un-interesting, you are so far from that. :(

(of patrick) thank you for showing me what to avoid. And I will go running from it, to the arms of a boy who makes me want to kick off my shoes and dance... He's happy with me just being a blue-eyed girl on his couch.

and I was happy.

and this, as that, shall come to pass.

traurig.

:(

I feel buyoant, too numb, for numb. Unfeeling.

It's over? It makes me sad, and I'm tired of being sad, so I push it away, and resolve to move forward.

There is nothing wrong with that, right? It's not escapism, anything propelling me forward, is positive...

You called me, yesterday, tuesday, in class, about 3 o'clock. We're not expecting. You're relieved, I hadn't really gotten around to absorbing/worrying about it. The fact that you called me is amazing, and yet not. You will probably consider it the discharge of your obligations to me. I told you I was rooting for you. I said goodbye.

Is there a sader word in the language?

Bad poetry follows, then I am off to www.cdsintl.org to see about job internships in germany.

"Hah" (working title)
It's not my intent to "get over you."
I plan on holding on to you.
My brain clutches at the tendrils of memory.
I'm a lad trying to hold onto the scent
of sweetmeats, fresh from the baker
as circumstance drags me away by the hand.

No, not the song by dirty vegas.

I watched the movie "high fidelity" today. It's a decent break up movie, I thought I wouldn't watch it, as it started out as a kind of "relationships suck" movie, a guy narrating his painful failures at securing a successful relationship. Not what I needed , negative re-enforcement.

But, it ended up being appropriate. Although in the end, the main character gets back with, and marries his estranged sugar-poodley-muffin. Perhaps not the best finale if you're distraught and reaching/searching for meaning.

On the whole, I think it was balanced, and it was just right for my mood. I enjoyed seeing that some of the things I have gone through are common to malekind. Such as coming to terms, finding youself in a good emotional place, and then totally flipping out and loosing it within a span of 24 hours.

What do you care if she was fucking some other guy. You can approach this proactivley, by making sure you are giving her the best sex of her life. Then you can smuggly assure yourself that she is losing out. Who among us is above having a secretive petty comfort-structures? I fell safe, in front of you all, out of stones reach.

TAKE MORE PICTURES.

Memory is falible, and beyond that I trust it only to have an agenda suiting itself.

tschus

aufwiederlesen

I think what bothers me the most is that you just stopped caring for me. Cold-turkey, totaly un-preticipated.

Someone would flinch more, pulling off a band-aid

I think I deserve more that what I percieve as callowness, and you don't see how ppl see you as self-absorbed?

Feh.

I think I have gotten my head straight, although there is still a void in my life. I don't know if it is something that needs to be filled, or not. I have been getting lonely, and for some odd reason, I crave human contact. Or maybe it is just the drive for me to get out of the house.

I'm undecided whether I should just stop calling you, and let you represent for yourself, and see if you bother to call me.

You relagated me to the position of friend, but all your friends are shitheads, I'm no longer anyone special. Should I hang around and shit on you like they do.... Maybe that would make you want me back.

FUCK!

I don't know if you know this, but I've come to rely on you. I may put up a strong front. But you're one of the forces behind it.

Life is easier just knowing that you're not alone.

I miss you

She left me. I suppose best she do it on her terms, this way I don't have to hurt her. I always seem to welcome heaping the suffering on my plate, hoarding it.

I built another one up, until she was strong enough to be without me. heh. Not the first time, but I think it's getting close to the last. Maybe someday I will begin to think of me.

I miss her. Horribly. Maybe that is just day after break-up talk, no, I'm sure it is. But, she was ... THE best. Insofar. As with her last boyfriend, she learned what to look for, and avoid, in a mate. In her I found what to look for.

I think maybe she was a little too buzzed in the brain to make a viable match. She need to burn through some of that teenager energy, find out that there is a pace to life.

SHe was so fucking beautiful. The way she lay. Her heart. She had some enviormental developed issues. Damn, this is one of those girls, who you think, if I could only meet her when she was 19, and a little more worldly. Well this one is 18, but by 20, I'll bet she'll have grown.
even.
more.
beautiful.
Minx blood runs through her veins. 100% insatable. Very nice.

I think I was ready to love again. But now, I'm getting over her. I don't know, where I am, where I'll be.

I identify with her still. I'm remembering what it's like to be 18 and presented with the road to your future, pressures demanding you plot a route. I guess that makes you an explorer, but it's so much easier to pen the stories in hindsight.

I hope she didn't break up with me, because I wouldn't commit to her, I really don't want to giver her an inferiority complex :( Whatever wild stick she got up her ass, that made her decide to leave me, I guess it's preferable to me having to give MY reasons. Although I had just assumed we would wait until she went to college, and have a nice convient excuse to part:(

I'm scared of being lonely.
But it's one of the fears that is confrontable.
Sehr Traurig.
Meine schwerSeele.

Ten months. I was happy for ten months.

We should take a day, go up to the city... Check out MoMa, some of the natural history museum... Not as cool as the DC museums, but I'm sure they have some smaller, more indy stuff. The natural history musuems, themselves are worth seeing.
to sleep now...
I have something worth waking up for tomorrow.

Browsing through old livejournals. Not trying to catch that feeling you put in my heart, but picking at it like a scab. You hurt me so good, Liz. I close my eyes, and my endorphins embrace me in a golden electric dream. I'm sorry I neglected you today. Don't take it to heart... You had your time, too hot, in the sun, with your dirty rasta friends. I didn't pry, it's a symptom of the trust-bond we enjoy. How could it not warm someone's heart:

thank you for showing me exactly what to stay away from, i know now that i will see your face again lurking in the guises of other men wherever i go and i will run screaming to the man who makes me want to take off my shoes, to dance, and to be as complicated as possible

I'm listening to "Dirty Vegas," "Days Go By."

The video drives home the point the song is about losing a girl, which I've done. It's a part of me, but it doesn't define, me. I'm not going to turn my back on that part of my life. You're part of my fiber

I planned to lay dormant, and use my people skills to resurrect what I once had. Building a new group of friends after a female betrayed me, it's not new territory. I build them, they fuck my friends. I can't explain it, but ... I delude myself.. I know why. I do build them up, but I take as much as they do. Fuck this human condition. Don't turn your back on me, when you knew the score the whole time. Yes, it hurt, but you had an amazing learning experience. It may have sucked, but would you trade you time with me? What for? For anything? I think more of you than you can imagine, we'll meet someday and be strangers again, I look forward to it, like alzheimers.

It's 4:15 AM, and pretty much there is no-one on my buddy-list awake... You know, EXCEPT for NYC2600:

Compudroid
Shardy
Godsmoke
Psytek
SealSpot (can't remember his name for the life...)
Crashed

Hehehe, hack hard, all nite long!

Well DNS on crimethink went live today, yesterday... I've got both .org and .net. I copied a site that fortunecity.com has been hosting that I wrote back in technical school. It's crap, but it's a place holder until I:

1. Re-learn some semblance of html
2. Well, that's about it

Eventually I want to create a slick interface in PHP with a MySQL backend that I can enter links into and have them categorized in accordance with a users input. This would be a repository for all the stuff I come across that pisses off and/or disturbs me. A repository for myself and a way to share with others.

Nothing special, just my individualized piece of the massively generic and homogonized internet. My own unique piece, just like everybody else's...

Well I'm a nerd, I'm SUPPOSED to have a web page!

Has anyone noticed the time this was posted at? Take note, becasue anyone that knows me knows that I DAMN SURE don't get up this early, HEH!

I think she would make a fine english teacher. The future is the children they say. And I would be happier with a future with fewer mindless all-american automaton passive-consumer bi-peds...

I think she would challenge them, instead of serving up the same hackneyed diet of macbeth, et al. I understand that some feel it offers a homoginazation, and others feel as "classics" they shouldn't die out. Unfortunately, I hate most of your "classics." Couldn't give a stale rat's ass about the lot of them. I'd love to entertain any other arguments as to why they are worthwhile, maybe I missed something. I am quick to judgment.

I'd expose the children to more contemporary themes, hell, I would brainwash the fuck out of the bastards... I'm the next in line, good-intentioned despot. But I do further the ideas, of tolerance (Heheh, I'm such a hater-fuck, too), and forming your own opinions, based on experiences. I don't want an iota of pain in the world... I'm not happy with being happy. I can't take solace in the fact that I'm white and the system works for me. That attitude embitters me horibly. There are enough resources to wipe out ghettos and 3rd world poverty. Except for a handful of FAT RICH WHITE FUCKS! Playing fucking monoply for real.

By touching and shaping generations of minds, she will have accomplished, what I in all my self-righteous wind-bagging, haven't scratched the surface of...

Man did I love to read. A giant fucking nerd, up until high-school, and most likely part of the beginning of that. I think frosh year is one of the things that has been white-washed by the guy that censures my thoughts. That guy being some protective mechanism that is quite liberal with the strokes of his brush. Maybe it's old age. Or maybe I have an efficient brain that dumps the long-term storage crap in favor of....

All 94 names of the Pokemons.

spark that shit!