I will be following this up with a real Turd Report, so be patient.

Many of my fans and friends have asked me various questions during my stint as The Turd Report. I would like to take some time and answer those questions. The fisrt qusetion I would like to answer is: "What is the correct way to wipe?"

Wiping is a critical part of the excremeditation ritual that is performed every day. Having the correct wiping style helps you to have a clean and odor-free butt.

First, make sure you have the supplies that you will need. namesly, you will need toilet paper and wet wipes. I don't have any recomendations for wet wipes, but I do have some suggestions for buying toilet paper. I prefer the cheap 2-ply paper. No lotions, no quilting, no prints. I recomend the cheap paper due to it producing almost no lint when rubbed against your butt. Excessive lint in your butt can cause irritation as the day goes on.

Now, after you have dumped you load, as it were. You are going to need to clean up. First off, determine how messy your turd was. If it was diarhea, or very loose stool, you will need to start off with a large wad of paper. The paper should cover your hand and be thick enough so stop liquid from soaking thru to your hand. This large wad of paper will be used to get the big and messy stuff off of your butt. Once you are starting to get deep into your ass crack, you will want to start using smaller and smaller wads of paper. But, be sure that it is still covering your hand. (You don't want to get a piece of poo on your hand and throw everything off.) Once I have actually wiped my anus with the paper a couple of times, I will break out the wet wipes. Take out one wet wipe and wipe around you anus. You can either use a new one for each pass, or you can fold it over and use the other (clean) side. After 2-3 wipes, the wet wipe should come out clean. At this point, I like to take a small wad of paper and dry off and do a quick spot check.

Now, all that is left ot do is to flush and make a journal entry.

My doc put me on a new medication. It is called RenaGel and it is a phosphorus binder. It does something more that bind phosphorus; it also binds my turds in to big rocks. I woke up at 4am. I had not pooped in about 36 hours, but I had eaten during that time. I had the urge to poop and I made my way into the bathroom. The turd did not want to come out, it tried but would just stall at the critical exit point. Pushing just made it feel worse; it was like pooping a cinder block. But, after 2 to 3 minutes of pushing it came out with a satifying 'plop'. And that was it, just one turd. It was easily 3 inches in diameter, but was only 5 inches long. It appeared to be lumpy, as if it was made of several little turdletts. It was dark brown in color and had no odor. Clean up was easy; it took only two wipes. However, Seeing how big it was (in diameter) I flushed this turd w/o paper. It clogged the toilet. I rate this turd as a 7.

My live-in GF demanded TacoBell last night. I don't care for it, but didn't feel like going to two places, so I had Taco Bell as well. I had 5 soft tacos and a Dr. Pepper. For fast food, it was ok. But, my body has lost most of it's defenses against pre-processed food, so there were complications. I didn't have any real problems that night. I was gassy, but alright. This morning, it was a race to the bathroom. I almost didn't make it. There was a great deal of pressure in my gut. I just got situated on the seat when it came out at full force. A fart propelled turd shot out of me. Once it was out, there was a termendous feeling of relief. I sat there waiting for any stragglers, but that was it. There was a harsh sulfur smell to it. The turd had impacted on the bowl and had flattened. It had no structure to it at all, just a mass of poo. It was a generic brown color. Part of it stuck to the side when I flushed. It took a second flush to get the bits to fall off. I rate this turd as an 8.

Oh, my Karma is now rated as 'Excellent'! Wh00t! :)

I had a steak burrito from Teocalli Tamale in Herndon. It was good, as usual, but the dining experience wasn't that great.* This morning I woke up about an hour before normal with an urge to take a dump. I staggered in to the bathroom just in time. Having just woken up, I was very relaxed and the turd came out with no effort at all. It was a generic brown with the hulls of the black beans scattered thru the turd. The turd was about 8 inches long and about 1.5 inches is diameter. I think the rice helped keep it flexable but solid, so it didn't break up. Clean up was easy and there was a light smell of hot sauce and bean. I rate this turd as an 8.

* Teocali was recently reviewed in the Washingtonian, so all these yuppies from DC have oozed into the place. There used to be no one in the place. Now it is wall to wall trendy fuckheads.

I am back from vacation and caught up with work, so back to reporting.

Yesterday I had two tuna salad sandwiches and a pickle for lunch and a pear afterwards. I also had some zuchinni bread I bought at the farmers market. I didn't feel the need to take a dump until I was at work. I had eaten too much bread so I had to do a bit of pushing to get this on going. It was about 10 inches long and was a light brown with nuts from the zuchinni bread embedded in it. It kept it's shape well and was easy to clean up. It stayed underwater, so there was not much smell to it at all. This was a little better that the average turd, so I give it a 7.

Another multi-day turd. On Sunday, I had a bowl of spaghetti with mushrooms. Monday, I had a 6' Turkey from Subway. Dialysis has given me a small reward by allowing me to lay some massive turds. The downside is there is little or no warning as to when I have to take a shit. Usually, you have 10 minutes or so to start migrating towards the toilet. Now, I just have a sudden urge to purge; maybe a minutes notice.

I am on a call with a customer about a security concern when it hits. I tell him I need to go look something up and that I'll be back in a bit. I rush to the bathroom. Like Sunday, the turd is quick and sudden; it does not feel like it is a big turd. There is a bit of friction, but then it just slides right on out. I wait a few moments for any stragglers, but that is it. The turd is coiled like an angry cobra with it's head sticking above water. Uncoiled it must be a good 2 feet long and is unbroken. It is a generic and uniform brown color. It has a light 'turd' smell to it, but is not overpowering. My implant has healed up, so clean up was easy and pain free. The auto-flush took the turd 10 seconds after I stood up. It struggled against the current; the head almost grabbed on to the side of the drain. But, it went down in one flush. I feel like I have lost 2-3 pounds with just that one turd. I rate this turd as a 9.

As some of you may or may not know, I am undergoing dialysis. I have had a new implant and I am taking Percoset for pain management. This has really messed up my morning turds.

Friday, I had 2 Whoppers with Cheese, with no lettuce or tomatoes. I did not have to shit on Saturday nor did I eat on Saturday. This morning, I woke up and started my day. After about an hour, I had a massive urge to take a dump. I scurried into the bathroom and got ready to let one go. It was slow at first then came out all at once. It did not feel as if there was a lot there. But, upon inspection, there was a massive pile of shit rising out of the water. The pile was cone shaped. It was about 5 inches in diameter at the bottom and was 4 inches tall. It covered the drain. I decided it would be best to just flush the turd, wipe, and re-flush. I flushed and the toilet clogged. I was in awe. Just my shit had clogged the toilet. A few moments with a plunger solved that problem and the massive pile went on it's way.

Clean up was ok, but difficult with my implant in my left arm. There was an almost rotten smell to the turd that was very pronounced after the plunging stirred it up. I rate this turd as a 9.

I had salad for lunch and dinner yesterday. Lots of leafy greens. This mornings turd was an unusual shape; it was kinda flat. I have no clue as to what that means. It was also an olive green color with little bits of black. The black bits were black olives that didn't digest quite right. It did have the dirt smell to it, but there was a bit more 'funk' to it. The poo was very soft and came out slowly, but easily. It flushed well and clean up was not a big problem. I rate this turd as an 8.

Hello everyone!

I have had some exelent turds lately. I ate a spinach salad for lunch and a 1/2 lb burger at Mosley Burger, in Herndon. The mornings turd was a two stage turd. The first was small. Very disapointing. But, 10 minutees later, the main turd arived. It was pretty big, about 18 inches. It was a deep green-black in color. There was a sharp dirt smell in the air. Clean up was not too bad, but not the easiest. It flushed well. I rate these turds as 4 and 8.

ADDED 9:54 3/29:Damn typo...

I had Pho last night. i ate at Pho96 in Sterling, Virginia. "Pho", for those who don't know, is Vietnamese for sewer water. But, I digress. Pho is not that bad. I had beef Pho. There were other options, but beef sounded like the safest. They also had 'meat', tongue, gizzard, and tripe flavored pho. This morning I had a rather watery turd. It was still solid, but like a very thick mud in consistancy. It had a grassy smell to it, in fact, it reaked of grass. It was greenish-black in color, which is my standard color now, due to my iron pills. Clean up was a pain since all the toilet paper was gone. I had to use paper towels. The paper towles were rough and made my ass unhappy. Flushing caused the turd to disentigrate, it looked like muddy water going down the drain. I rate this turd as a 6.

Hello Everyone. Sorry I was gone for a while. It has been busy here at work. I have not had the time to properly score my turds. But, I am back. I am still on my iron pills and fish oil. I had to work and the cafe here was closed. I had two Whoppers with cheese and no lettuce. It produced a long black-green turd. It was about 16 inches in length and two inches across. Once again, it had the dirt smell. Clean up was with out problems. I rate this turs as an eight.

Come visit me on Trollaxor.com!

My Iron pills are taking hold. I ate at Z's Italian last night. The Manicotti was excelent. It made a nice turd. The turd actually scared me. It was about 16 inches long and very thick. And, get this, it was black-green! It looked like a Black Momba snake. It smelled like dirt. It cleaned up pretty well. It did not flush. After 3 tries, I gave up and left it there. My cow-orkers gathered around and gawked at it for several minutes. A janitor had to come and extract it from the toilet and carry it out of the building. I almost cried with joy. I rate this turd as a 9.

It was pizza night last night; I had a small cheese and mushroom pizza from Papa John's. It was pretty good. This morning it made a respectable turd. It was an average length (about 12 inches). It did take some pushing to get it out due to all the bread that I had eaten. It was a generic brown color and didn't smell too bad. It cleaned up well. Flushing was also not a problem and it went cleanly. I rate this turd as a 7.

The sun had already risen when Eric was awoken by his alarm. It was another beautiful day at the Pennsylvania university that he was attending on a Faggotry Studies scholarship. Eric smiled at the prospect of another day learning about faggorty and Linux. "It is time for breakfast," Eric squealed, as he put his pants on. He put his modified 'Tickle-Me Elmo' plushie under his bed and shuffled out the door. Some of his hall mates were on their way to the mess hall.

"Hey guys. I'll follow you down," Eric beamed at the group of guys.

"Fuck off, freak," One of the guys yelled back as the rest of the group busted out laughing.

Eric choked back tears that were welling up. "I am not a freak. Being a plushie-lover is normal! My mom told me so," Eric yelled.

He spun around and stormed back into his room. "I know where I can be appreciated," Eric muttered to himself as he started up his 386 running Linux. The box, which he got from some stinky Linux hippie in exchange for tossing his salad, started up with a high pitched whine.

After five minutes, he was on Slashdot, a well known web-log for all kinds of sexual fetishes. Eric gasped at what he saw. The Turd Report had made another post about his daily turd. Eric turned red with anger. "I'll show you," Eric said to himself as he hit the 'reply' button. His fingers quivered as he typed his response: 'You are lame.' Eric grinned and hit 'submit'. He waited tem minutes then checked for a reply. There was none. "I shut him up but good," Eric proclaimed.

Thoughts of greatness started running thru Eric's mind. The Slashbots would cheer him for standing up to the Turd Report. Taco might even email him a congratulation. It might even be front page news on Slashdot! People would link to it in their sig files and it would certainly be the talk of everyone's journals. Everyone would love him despite his plushie fetish. Oh, his wonderful plushie. Elmo should share this moment. The thought of Elmo made Eric a bit frisky. Eric was hung like a doorbell and it was rock hard. He fumbled under the bed for Elmo and pulled him out. The sounds of Elmo proclaiming, "That tickles!" was hear thru-out the dorm for hours.

I am still on my salad binge. My turd this morning was another long one. It was about 18 inches and as big around as a golfball. It was a light green-brown color and looked 'fluffy', for lack of a better term. It had the same dirt smell with a hint of sulphur. Clean up wasn't too bad with the wipes I use. It did make streaks on the bowl when I flushed it. I rate this turd as a 7.