Would it not be PC to nail Santa to a cross on my lawn? I still have the cross that I use at Easter with that rabbit....

They can quite easily hit you with a federal conspiracy charge. Your IP on a list of "downloaders of LOIC" is plenty for a search warrant. A creative examination of your hard drive will come up with enough "suspicious material" to convince a grand jury. (Free lunch and $8 per diem is plenty to convince a grand jury.)

So, ok, you then claim you did nothing. The AUSA says "we do not believe you. We think you are an OP in Anonymous and are charging you with violation of 18 USC 1030 How's twenty years sound, hm?"

And conspiracy is so tangential, that anyone can be accused of it for pretty much anything. For example, I say to you "Hey dude! How about a free pound of coke!" You jokingly say something like "LOL sure dude, bring a big straw." And we both laugh it off. But you're neighbor overhears and calls the cops/DEA.You just conspired to buy a pound of cocaine. And you'd lose in court, like 97% of fed trial defendants. But I digress. This is the conspiracy section of the federal hacking law: .....
Whoever conspires to commit or attempts to commit an offense under subsection (a) of this section shall be punished as provided in subsection (c) of this section.
(c) The punishment for an offense under subsection (a) or (b) of this section is—
(1)

(A) a fine under this title or imprisonment for not more than ten years, or both, in the case of an offense under subsection (a)(1) of this section which does not occur after a conviction for another offense under this section, or an attempt to commit an offense punishable under this subparagraph; and

(B) a fine under this title or imprisonment for not more than twenty years, or both, in the case of an offense under subsection (a)(1) of this section which occurs after a conviction for another offense under this section, or an attempt to commit an offense punishable under this subparagraph; ....

Now, the AUSA says to you "ok, you have two choices. Go to trial, and I will beat you and you will absolutely do at least fifteen years. Or sign this admission of responsibility, plead guilty to this minor count and do five. Your choice."

Many people say "I'll fight!!" Almost all of them will reconsider that as they pass year 12 at Fort Dix.

Bicycles?
Phones?
Microwaves?
Luxury!!

You guys never fail to amaze me. That question is at the level of "where's the any key?"

Why is this modded troll? Y'all missing the sarcasm gene or what?

$8,000? Damn, that's great. Hey I agree, there are good lawyers, I just was unlucky enough to not know any. I didn't hire a team at all. I had FIVE individual lawyers, one when I was arrested, who I fired when he failed to challenge the search (which was laughable), then another when the feds came for me, and the state dropped the charges. Him I fired after he blew a bail hearing HARD. Fucking moron, he pulled out some forensic psychiatrist who started challenging the case merits in a bail hearing. Asshole got me held without bail in Feds. The AUSA had a field day...he was actually laughing.

I studied fed law for the four years I did in the feds and if I had known then what I know now, I never would have spent a night in jail. And I don't think my attorneys were stupid, just amoral. Hey, if you can get a guy off for a bad search after a day, you won't earn much. Better to have to "fight" and charge $75k.

Here's the worst part: I spent almost $300,000, and still plead out. From the Alan Ellis site:

"Nearly 94% of all federal criminal defendants will plead guilty. Of the remaining 6% who go to trial, as many as 75% will be convicted; thus 97% of all federal criminal defendants will be sentenced. 80% of defendants will receive jail or prison time." If the feds want you, you're theirs.

Absolutely true, but that IMO allows extreme use of precedential law. I was arrested for something that did not involve the US in any way, nor any citizen or federal commerce. When I finally (three years later) was heard by my judge on my 2255 she did two things:

1) Cited Gonzalez v Raich a 2005 medical marijuana case decided by the SCOTUS. In it they say: "In assessing the scope of Congress’ Commerce Clause authority, the Court need not determine whether respondents’ activities, taken in the aggregate, substantially affect interstate commerce in fact, but only whether a “rational basis” exists for so concluding."

In other words, if the court can "rationally decide" (a distinctly subjective thing) that something MIGHT affect commerce, the case can absolutely be federal. So, she decided that my offense was federal because it MIGHT affect commerce.

2) Appeal to the Circuit, right? This is a slam-dunk. Nope. To proceed, the District judge must issue a Certificate of Appealability (COA). My judge decided that no Constitutional issue existed, and therefore chose not to issue a COA. I did appeal to the circuit for the COA, but apparently, if the district judge says no Constitutional issue exists, then it doesn't. Nothing for them to consider. Motion denied. Off you go then, there's a good lad.

So, sure, they only consider errors of law. Subjectively.