" The desktop environments (Gnome, KDE, Xfce, ect.) on Linux are ugly, slow, buggy, and generally shitty."
Shows what very little you know.
The main problem with KDE and Gnome is, they improved them both to death. If you are not running top of the line hardware, forget it.
As for XFCE and others, you clearly do not know what you are talking about. I switched to XFCE a few years back (from KDE). It does what I want, looks great, never gives any grief. And this is in a development environment, mind you.
You may want to try a Linux distro that is not 10 years old next time.