My own Atari cartridges have been floating in the Pacific garbage patch for 30 years. If you find my Combat cartridge floating around you can keep that one.

If their lawyers were to take 100% of the cash, or even if it all got incinerated in a firestorm near a water faucet, that family would still have gotten some revenge on a stupid drilling company that still deserves to have a few million dollars carved out of its ass.

Aruba Petroleum has about 15 employees and reports earnings of $50 million of revenue per year. This settlement sets them back by just three weeks of fracking. Someone needs to be waterboarded in fracking fluid.

I guess you don't have a microwave.

You mean they actually put clocks on the walls of solitary confinement cells?

Until they go beep-beep-beep at 6 AM.

That's completely correct, sir. The heavens can no longer discriminate against people who have preexisting sins. See heaven.gov to see whether you qualify for a plan that has a maximum deductible of 5000 years in purgatory before you are 100% guaranteed entrance into heaven.

In Heaven you will sit around passing a bong back and forth with God until the end of time, with occasional teeth cleanings. Gold and Platinum plans are available that include options for 72 virgins, or for your own planet to rule over, or for the next in a series of afterlives as an elephant, then as a tapeworm, then as Ted Nugent, then as a cricket, and on and on until you achieve Enlightenment with an endless supply of meth and the memory of your life as Ted Nugent to serve as a guide.

If you like your particular religion, you can keep it. (Of course that's assuming that people wouldn't tolerate a religion where their God sucks donkey balls anyway- which it turns out, is false.)

Well that's the whole point- we obviously can't rely on God to fix the situation on his own behalf. He has his own interests, and would obviously like to discriminate against atheists and heretics, and keep them from entering heaven. After all hey arrive confused and with awkward questions for Him- especially assholes like Stephen Hawking who will instantly start quizzing Him about quantum gravity. He sees it as a waste of His endless time. That's why we needed to make it a law, with a mandate on God to allow all individuals into heaven. Even guys with more money than God now have to face the fact that this is working. So folks, just remember to check out heaven.gov or go to Hell.

If you approach a gas station in New Jersey and the guy standing next to the pump is 300 lbs overweight, be careful- it could be an ex-governor. Make sure to pull in slowly, give him some clearance, and fill up with 93. He may give you a strange piece of metal as a "gift". If it doesn't enter your skull at high velocity, take it (WTC steel, baby!). Then hand him a nice tip. Otherwise you might have to put the gas cap back on yourself a few blocks up the road- i.e. "self-service".

You can't be serious, making an insinuation like that on a good man.

Governor Christie is just concerned about the changes in traffic patterns that would be triggered by allowing electric cars to enter the state's vehicle markets unimpeded. Christie has a vision for the future of New Jersey and it is deeply important to him that municipal leaders across the state share his enthusiasm and goals. Enforcement along these lines would be impeded. Specifically, if the governor were to block off lanes to a bridge within a mayor's district, and everyone was driving electric cars, the smog wouldn't be as good for intimidating or disciplining the mayor. Clearly the traffic issues need more study.

I would volunteer for that one-way mission to Mars!

Of course the trip better not take too long, because of the Alzheimer's progression. If I get there too late, I might make a fool out of myself on the mission:

"Hi, Mars, Bob Flemstein, big fan! I know you're crazy busy with us suicidal visitors and everything, but...could you sign? I don't wanna be that guy, but..."

Is she taking time off?

Where you get your information, Rush Limbaugh?

Anyone with even 5 days of experience will come up against a task where it isn't an option.

Good idea- replicate and rev up a natural system, and just farm the P from sewer plants in Jurassic Park. You ever run across a pile of dinosaur shit? It ain't pretty, but sometimes when I get the munchies I think of all that delicious P I could have scooped off, probably more P than those bags of Cheetos in my closet.