I don't read the front page much anymore. I only seem to find the time to read my messages, 90% of which are notices of journals written by someone on my friends list. And at that, I don't choose people on my friends list for agreeing with me. So I don't really have much need to fear that I'm listening to my own private echo chamber, but sometimes I do. So, in an attempt to broaden my horizons, I decided to take a look at some of the people I don't hear from much here on /..

Take a look at this link: http://slashdot.org/my/friends/foes/

That link will bring you a nice list (whitch may be exceptionally long) of anyone that your friends have listed as a foe. My preferences are set to give these people a slight negative modifier, and I browse at +2, so I miss a lot of their posts.

So, I took a look through the list, and read every journal posted in the month of November (including some written in November of last year.) Anyone who was remotely interesting got friended. I did al this yesterday, and I've already read two interesting journals that I would have never found otherwise.

So... opinions? Wild attacks? Try it for yourself.

P.S. http://slashdot.org/my/friends/friends/ works too, which will give you a list of people that you might find likable, but haven't friended yet. And for your stalking amusement, http://slashdot.org/~username/friends/friends (substitute any username after the ~) can be fun, too. Warning, though, all of these lists can be very large.

I'm losing a coworker next week. He's one of the coders that I work with a lot on my projects, and I'll really miss him. I wish him the best, but he's one of the few that really made me feel like I belong in this department. It got me to think about why that is.

I feel out of place in my department. The other people doing my job are a: all women, b: all been doing the job for a long time, and c: completely not computer people. I see things like a coder. There are other coders here, but the guy who's leaving is the only one who really treated me like an equal. The other coders treat me like I'm one of the other analysts. Since none of the other analysts understand our systems, or have more than a rudimentary idea of how computer logic works, they get treated pretty much like secretaries. Take good notes, schedule the meetings, and stay out of the way. I don't deal well with that.

Hmm, missed my point. Where I was going is that there are two coders that I've worked with a lot. One is very open. I go to talk to him, we discuss the issue, he gives a decent explanation, we discuss tangents, we even had a whole discussion on a business model he was presenting as part of a college course. The other guy is very closed. You talk to him, and you get answers, but he doesn't explain, you have to drag every word out of him. You never get an extra information, and if we pass in the hall, he doesn't even say "Hello." Now, I've mentioned before that I'm less than social. In a room full of strangers, I'm liable to be standing in the corner, watching everyone else have fun. I don't initiate conversation with people I don't already know. But if someone comes to me, I talk to them. I engage in conversation. So, I get along well with people after that initial awkward phase. I'm open.

Some people are even more open. Outgoing is the word, I guess. They initiate contact. They treat people that they've just met the way that I would only treat people I've known for a long time. But I do eventually get to know people. It seems sad to me that there are people out there that can't even go that far.

Yes, Hugs. Do you get them? Do you give them? Do you like big bear hugs, or little, slap-on-the-back-then-walk-away hugs?

I've been missing hugs. My family doesn't hug much. A hug goodbye for a major trip, or moving out of state. That's it. I can't remember the last time I got a hug from my mother or father, unless it was 8 years ago when I moved to Dallas.

I'm pretty sure that a big part of the reason I first fell in love with my wife is that she gave me a hug for my 18th birthday. We were just friends at the time, but it seemed one of the most special birthday presents I had ever had. Nowadays I get occasionaly hugs from my children. These are wonderful, and I would never turn one down, but they just aren't doing it for me. I like to think of myself as a solitary person, and I am... but a lack of good hugs is still noticeable. :`(

Can someone tell me if this is a /. bug, or a browser bug, or just the way CSS works?

I occasionaly use the features of my browser to override the colors on web pages. In IE, this is under Accessibility, and Firefox has the option somewhere (I'm at work, can't check.). When I do this, the Slashdot logo in the upper right of the page disappears. On IE, it is completely gone, as if it never existed. In Firefox, there is still an area of the page that is linked, as if the image were there, but the image itself is gone.

I thought about putting in a slashcode bug report, but I really don't know if it's a bug or not.

As to why I do that, I have problems with migraines. One of the things I do to keep working when I have a migraine is to change my color scheme to mostly black. Lower light levels help, but most web pages specify colors in a way that makes it necessary for the browser specifically to override the colors.

This past Saturday was my 13th wedding anniversary. I also journaled about my 11th here. This weekend had less crying. I've become more comfortable with not being with my wife. Not that I'm happy, just that the jagged edges have worn off, and the tears are shed.
 

There are still thing about our relationship that can make me cry, or spout lousy poetry on /., or both. But those things are further between than they used to be, and the pain is sheltered deeper inside.

I thought I had more to say here, but I guess not. I just don't have the right words to put on the page right now.

Who do you talk to
when you can't talk?

Who can you tell,
when no one will listen?

If a man cries in his bedroom,
and has no friends to hear him,
does he really make a sound?

If your friends are too busy,
too tired, too far away,
or too poor to bother with you,
do really have any friends?

When strangers know you
better than your family does;
is your family estranged?

When you shout at the world,
and recieve not even an echo in reply,
what is left to hope for?

Why?

Today was the day. The Scan. And I had The Scan, and it hurt. the first part was OK, but the last picture they did required me to lay still with my neck extended and my chin up as far as possible. Given that I already had a headache with tons of pressure in the back of my neck, this position was excruciating. Uggh.

After The Scan is the take up. Which was scary, because the numbers are right there for you to see, but you don't know what they mean. My take up in my neck was roughly 35,000 counts per minute. What exactly they counted I don't know. However, the take up in my leg was only 20,000 cpm, so I was worried. The whole point of this exercise is to prove that I don't have any thyroid tissue left, and that didn't seem to match the obvious difference in numbers. I was somewhat hopeful to see a number on the chart, which I assume was from last year, which was 1.5 million cpm. But I was still expecting the worst.

Doc comes out, says test is negative, come back next year. Oh, and you can go back to your regular diet and meds.

Yeah! I can eat again!

Previously, they told me I'd have to wait until Monday to get results, and I was not looking forward to the weekend. Now, I'm just fine. Still tired, so I'm going to nap now, but happy.

P.S. - I'm almost considering deleting the last journal. I think a lot of the depression and frustration I expressed is just a result of the reduced meds. I certainly hope so. We'll give it a couple weeks and see how I do.

There are more important things than me in the world. If you'd rather read about them, feel free to skip this JE. I feel compelled to say this because, while everything I write feels small and petty compared to what other people are going through right now, I need at the moment to write something.

I am currently on a low-iodine diet. I'm also off of my thyroid meds. That's in preparation for the full body scan in a couple weeks which will, hopefully, determine that I am completely cancer-free. For those that don't know, your thyroid absorbs iodine, and turns it into some nice chemical that helps regulate your metabolism. Doing with that chemical makes me tired. Frequently. Officially, I'm not even supposed to drive when I'm off my meds, but I really didn't want to use what little PTO I have for this, so I'm trying to work through it. I have warned my boss, and she's accepting it. If I can't deal, I'll go out on disability.

Meanwhile, there's very little I can eat that I'm used to. None of the food in my house is iodine free, except my salt. My mother has made me some pasta(no-yolks) and meat dishes, but there is nothing I can snack on. Fruits and vegetables would work, but I'm too broke to go out and buy them.

Last year when I went through this, I was prepared. I had been given an Amazon gift certificate at work, and had plenty to read. I also bought several food items that I knew were safe, that I could munch on when I wanted. This year, I am stuck so deep in the hole that my direct deposit paycheck didn't even get me out of the red. I'm seriously considering bankruptcy. Unfortunately, how do you go bankrupt when you can't pay the lawyer to file the papers? I already owe the lawyer for a speeding ticket I got the first month I was in Rochester, that I can't afford to pay, and will lose my license over if I don't pay it before the 18th. And if I don't manage to at least file for bankruptcy before the end of September, I'm sure that my car will be repossesed. There might be a light at the end of the tunnel in February, but there might not. I can't look that far ahead, anyway.

I'm lucky that I moved back from Rochester. With gas prices the way they are, I could never have afforded to travel to visit the boys. That might have just killed me. As it is, I've been getting on better with them, which is the only bright spot I have. I've spent a lot of time with them and my wife, because her boyfriend has been out of town. We finally got her in to a psychologist, who confirmed the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis that we were guessing. Of course, if you know BPD, you know that people with BPD can't stand being alone. Which is why my wife has been moderately nice to me lately, with her BF gone for 3 weeks. Then she calls me late the other night and tells me she's thinking about having another child. Stupidly... I ask with who. Him. Of course. The conversation stopped abruptly at that point. I cannot even bear to think about that. I cried for a very long time. I could start again now if I let myself.

I might be able to handle it if she would find herself a decent man. Someone who loved her, took care of her, and cared about the boys. Jose is none of those. He puts on a decent act of wanting to be with her, but can't even put on an act about the rest. I've told her that she needs to get counseling, so that she can stand living alone for a while. It's the only way she's ever going to give herself enough time to find a decent guy. Right now she can't bear the though of leaving him, even though she despises him most of the time. I think the whole child thing is just a reaction to being alone too much. She was begging me to talk her out of it, but I just can't deal with that line of thought well enough to even try. Which means I will fully blame myself if it ever happens.

Does anyone know of any real work-at-home oppurtunities? Part time? In this town, I've got almost no chance of getting a second job. There are plenty of people around here with a more flexible schedule, and in more dire need than me, anyway. But I need some way to pay the bills. I can't even think about Christmas. Hell, right now I can't even figure out how to pay for Back-to-School clothes. All 4 of the boys will be in school this year. Which will give my wife plenty of free time, and even a break on her food expenses, but won't help me even a little.

This is long... I'm not sure if I'm ranting, but I'm very depressed. Sorry about that. At least I gave fair warning. Got a meeting now, can't even take the time to proof read. Sorry.

Well, not really. But it felt like the right thing to write.

Last Thursday my wife had her ablation procedure. They didn't find anything, and didn't treat anything. They tried, but couldn't get the abnormal heart rhythm that she suffers from to occur while she was on the table, so they had to stop. We knew that that was a possibility. The doctor tells us that the good news is that this means that it would also be difficult to trigger the rhythm again at home, but since that's already happened, it doesn't grant us much comfort. On top of that, my wife is really not recovering very well. She recovered more quickly from her C-sections. And they can't tell what's wrong.

I'll be spending next week in Rochester, I think. I need to finish cleaning out my apartment, and say goodbye of sorts to the people I work with there. Meanwhile, I'm drowning in my debt, just as badly if not worse than I was when I was out there. Luckily, I won't have to make another rent payment, so that should help me. The next few weeks will definitely be a struggle, though.

Not sure why I really posted this. Just needed to vent a little, I guess. I think I might also be depressed. Financial trouble seems to do that to me. Especially when I just got paid an I knwo that it won't last even the weekend.

Well, I am moving back to Johnstown from Rochester. I'm having some family issues, and was having a really hard time financially, with the cost of living in Rochester, plus the travel to see my boys.

So...I went to my boss with my issues. She understood, told me that they were very happy with my work, and that she would go to her boss. The two of them together talked with his boss Tuesday, and I am officially moving back to Johnstown to work out of a local office next week. The top boss of that trio made some comments about trying to up my salary so that they could get me back in Rochester, but I don't really expect that to go through. They have other analysts working remotely, as well as programmers and testers, so I expect they'll just let it go.

I really did like Rochester. I like Johnstown, too, but Rochester has much more available. I liked that.

Oh... I'll be in Boston next Friday. I'll wave to Sol, but I don't expect time for even a mini-meetup. My son, Caleb (11 Wednesday the 15th), asked me to go with him on his class trip. I'm pretty sure the day is scheduled out, and that we won't have a lot of free time. If we had more, I'd definitely try to arrange something.

Oh... speaking of Caleb. He's the one with the hip disease (Legg-Calve Perthes, for those keeping score at home). He's been having some pain again, and we took him to the orthopedic surgeon. Turns out his bad leg is 1.8 cm shorter than the good one. We're going to have to get him lift shoes to even him out, which should relieve the pain. Some time in the future he'll have to have another surgery, on his good leg this time, to retard the growth for long enough for the other leg to catch up. Trials and travails... that kid has gone through hell already. I hope life makes up for it to him.

Hmm. Where to start... (Quick look at previous journals...)

OK, the last really useful Journal entry was December, and an announcement of my new job. Well, I'm here. In Rochester, doing my job, and doing a good job of it, if I say so myself. That's the short story. You want the long one? Go ahead, read on.

When last I had written, I had gotten a phone call from my new boss, saying that they wanted me, but were having trouble with my salary requirements. Here's the situation: I was a call center rep. Base pay better than double minimum wage, but after 4 years, I had reached maximum pay and was still having trouble paying all the bills for myself and my 4 boys. My company has a nice rule that any pay increase of more than 10% needs to get approvals from everyone from the janitor up through god himself. Or at least his right-hand woman. This policy has no exceptions made for a change of job responsibilty or skills, in fact, no excceptions at all. Even though I'm now a systems analyst, and the base pay is more than 10% higher than previous, the policy still applies. To make matters worse, the 10% is figured on base salary, and ignores the fact that I worked a great deal of overtime last year. In the end, they only approved me for $5,000 less than I was asking. Not to mention that the change in benefits associated with going from the union side to the non-union side eliminated most if not all of the difference.

With vacations, and general laziness in the management area, I did not get my job offer officially approved until January 7th. I had originally been told that they wanted me to start here January 17th. The kindly gave me until the 31st, because of the late notice. I had 2 weeks in which to find an apartment and move across the state.

All this time, I was having talks with my wife. I talked to her about this before I ever applied for the job. By the time the official notice came, she had agreed to keep the children in the area until the end of school, and then move in with me in Rochester. She hates her current situation, both where she lives and the guy she lives with. She gets along with me, as long as I'm not actually trying to act like her husband. It seemed like a good idea.

My wife came out to Rochester with me to look at apartments. During that day, she completely changed her mind, and decided not only that she was not moving in with me, but that she will never move to Rochester. I took a lease on a 2 room studio, and moved to Rochester on the 30th.

Since then, I've been working every week, driving 3 hours every Friday to see my kids, spending the weekend with them at my parent's house, and driving 3 hours back every Sunday. Gas prices are killing me. Parking costs are killing me. I'm in the same financial situation as before, and having trouble paying bills. It sucks. The good thing is, I enjoy my job. 90% of what I'm doing is the same thing I was doing before, but now it's actually MY job. Before, I was always doing things above and beyond my job duties. I still am, but I'm a lot closer to my job duties, and I'm much more comfortable here. In addition, being officially part of the IS group opens me up to a lot of opportunities that I would never get while I was in the call center. So on the job front, I'm happy... On the home front, not so much.

My wife spends several hours each week complaining that I haven't found a place for her to move in with me, complaining that I haven't found a job in Texas, Arizona, or some other warm state, and threating to move down south with the guy she's living with. That's a couple hours each, btw. Mostly at ungodly hours of the night. I love the woman, but I seriously need more sleep. Me, I'm just trying to keep my head above water, and hope that things get better. I spend my time home alone during the week, since I have no real skill in making friends. I leave the house for shopping, and work, and not much else. I'm not a bar person. Most of the museums and such close the same time I get out of work. I play games on my pc, watch tv and read books. I've been thinking about getting a part time job. I'd hate to spend all my free time driving, but I need the extra money, and I may not have a choice.

Anyway, that's the state of me. Next time, send an email. You won't scare me to death putting my name(psuedonym?) out in public like that.

(Just kidding. The intense stab of fear is more than made up for by warm feeling that comes from someone actually asking the question. I generally feel isolated from the rest of the world. Part of it is me. I know that. The whole not making friends thing doesn't help. But I've said it before, and it's still true. In general, people don't bother with me. My family, my wife, my friends. They say Hi when I'm there, but nobody calls me, unless my wife feels like complaining, or my bills are past due. It's been this way all my life. I'm used to it. Most of the time it doesn't even hurt. But when I take the time to think about it, I can really get depressed. So it realy is nice to have someone ask how I'm doing, without me having to stand in front of them to remind them that I exist. Come to think of it, this may actually be the first time that it has happened.)

Uggh! I had spent about 20 minutes typing a a decent write up for this, then lost my browser window through my own stupidity.

Short stroy... 1and1 webhosting is offerring 6 months free hosting at this site: http://www.1and1.com/testdrive.

I've got one of the three year free sites they handed out last year, and never had issues. If it's worth it to you, give it a try.

Edit:
I originally did this because I had the link and 1and1 has done well by my site. They've also now added a referral program. If you want to try out one of the paid services, feel free to use this link: http://www.1and1.com/?k_id=6749521

I've changed my Sig. It seems appropriate. I had read it before, but most recently I pulled it from this page: The Notebooks of Lazarus Long

Actually, I found that page by tracking down the provenance of a /. fortune, so this is quaintly self-referential.

I've been waiting several weeks to post about this. I'm fairly certain that no one who knows me off line ever reads my /. journal, but I wouldn't bet on it.

I am waiting today to accept a formal offer for a new job. I am currently a "Business Sales & Service Consultant," according to my union contract. My new position will be a "Requirements Systems Analyst." It involves an increase in pay, which is good, and a move across the state to Rochester, NY. I currently live about 45 miles from Albany.

I'm looking forward to the new job. My current position is basically a call center rep. I haven't really been doing that job for a couple of years, though. They pay me as a call center rep, but I've been a system analyst and database admin the whole time. This tends to happen to me a lot. I like to get into the nooks and cranny's of a job, and I end up being the guy that everyone else goes to when something new or difficult needs done.

The move to Rochester is going to be a strain. The pay increase is going to just about exactly match the increase in my cost of living for moving to the city. Unfortunately, this will put me three hours drive away from my children. I'm not really looking forward to that. The problem is that I'm really dead-ended at my current job. I can't go anywhere if I stay in this part of the company. And with "Call Center Rep" on my resume... Well, there's not much chance of decent opportunity outside this company. The new job will be officially within the IT department. That means that I'll be a lot more likely to be able to transfer to a more interesting and/or higher paying job in the future. It's a cost I think I'm willing to pay.

Anyway... I thought it would be nice to tkae the time to put this down. If anybody out there is in the Rochester area, let me know. I've got to find a decent appartment some time in the next month. It'd also be nice to have someone to talk to after I move.

Update: If anybody does know the area, I'd love any information I can get on the quality of the schools around there. I'm hoping to move my boys out to be closer to me sometime before the next school year starts.

If you're reading this, you must be part of the zoo. I don't post enough to bring anyone else to my JE's. If you've somehow made it here and don't know who Sol is, then I have no idea how you managed to find me.

So I won't go into who Sol is. I'm going to tell you what she means to us.

Bethanie may be our funnybone, and Em was always the little devil on our shoulder(where are you Em? We miss you.). But Solemndragon is Slashdot's soul.

Sol is that piece of us that can give love out to everyone we meet. Than can be a true friend, the source of most of our inspiration, and a lot of our joy.

I admit that I don't follow the journal's as closely as I used to. I've been too busy. But I always find time for Sol, and now, I'm hunting to find the other JE's out there that can keep me informed.(That almost sounds like a stalker... I swear, it's not meant to.)

Sol... if you're reading this, I hope that it means that you're back. I hope that it means that you've made it back to the world, and that the pain and fog are now a memory. If you're not back yet... If this somehow finds you out in the fog that has descended, then I wish you well. You were right about strength coming from being broken. I know that you will be stronger when you return. I pray(though I'm not that type) that it doesn't make you hard. From everything you've written before, I don't think it will, but sometimes the healing leaves scars. Over time, I hope that even the scars fade away.

This piece isn't as strong as I wanted it to be... I'm up at 5AM, and not at full capacity. I'm going to post it anyway. Those of us that are left waiting need a place to talk. Our tragedy is so much less than hers, but it's still there. The zoo is empty inside.