INTERNAL MEMORANDUM - CONFIDENTIAL:
With the blaring defect of not being able to see into body cavities using our full-body scanner, we must now include cavity searches as part of our routine security checks. Any TSA employee assigned to cavity screening who has calluses or abnormally large fingers MUST NOT be switched to other duties according to equal opportunity laws in at least 10 states. Because of this, special permission is given to employees who find use of their fingers inadequate to this task to use other, more sensitive, body appendages. For liability reasons, all screenings must be recorded and stored digitally on our public FTP server, and a parent must be present when the person being screened is under 18 (though restraints may be applied to either party when necessary). Please remember that proper sanitization of all instruments and skin involved in cavity searches must be observed to avoid disease transmission on a global scale.