Did Cory Doctorow sneak in to write this article?
Anyway, here's the more likely scenario:
(sorry I have to work, so no time to post a full set of paragraphs...)
I wake up to my BetchaCant (TM) alarm clock jabbing me in the small of my foot with three evenly-spaced syringes, and I momentarily wonder if I should think about regretting my Woot! Reborn! Again! (TM) impulse purchase. I try to get out of range of the needles, but it's no use, and I am forced to vacate the bed.
I slide bleary-eyed over to the sink and turn my UpSpurt (TM) faucet to face me and hit the "5 second" button for a delightful splash of tap water to head. Yum! They've obviously been improving the piquant chlorine aftertaste.
I then make my way to the kitchen and grab my latest Twinkie (TM) on the end of my rotating stockpile. This one should be just about cured to perfection after 15 years... It's just too bad I'll have to wait that long for the ones at the other end to get this good.
I try to find where I left my NyloSpandoGoretexdexnex (TM) girdle to compress my gut and create the artificial pecs that I know and love. There it is, left on the footstool of my original Aims (TM) lounge chair that I had ordered from Design for People who Aren't Sure (TM).
My implant buzzes behind my left eye socket to remind me of something--I have no idea what. I grab my glasses but since I forgot to recharge them, the blinking red light won't stop and threatens to trigger my epilepsy again. I coax the screen on for one last display before dying, and I understand that the task I have given myself is my daily reminder to order a replacement Twinkie (TM) for the end of the line. I clear the synthetic GM tobacco ashes from the table and, after waking my table up, look up the address of the convenience store next door. After an hour, I was able to navigate their miserably designed shop page and order a case. Bloody hell, shipping's gone up. Well, it should be here in about 3 or 4 days. I have enough to last until then.
Twinkies (TM).
I forgot what I was going to do next. Maybe head back to bed? Whatever--time to face this exciting day! But later. Or should I bathe? What time is it? Did I pay that bill? Where's my MultiPass? Maybe I should quit.