Because I'm not American?

We already know how. Keep nuking the atoms until they split into stable elements. The primary problems are that 1) each step isn't 100% reliable, and 2) some nasty, nasty things are created in the meantime.

Apparently you haven't seen Z-Axis tape yet.

The tape in action

I dare them to take their scheme to the streets and fairly find 1000 people that can get them right.

Pfft. Disregard this, obviously I didn't read the full summary.

But in other news, "middling" is the new "good".

The "downside" is that even though battery life is improved, it's still terrible.