Mr. Ukab, there are two gentlemen here to see you. They say their names are Faegre and Benson, on behalf of the National Pork Board. And just so you know, they have a large, thick envelope with your name on it. It looked for a moment, however, like the address for the ThinkGeek offices had been scratched out and yours hurriedly added.

Can I use my iTunes gift card to pay the tax?

And remember, kids-it isn't "baseless paranoia" if they actually *ARE* out to get you....