I'm not quite sure on your troubles claim of 5,000 years; perhaps you mean 30 years (1969–1998) as wikipedia states or even at the earliest the 17th centure for anything even vaguely relevant. This was the earliest the english planters were sent over. Calling anything before that 'the troubles' is complete nonsense and displays a massive lack of understanding of the region.

For a given starting state, the ending state is determined by the operations in the quantum computer. It is only in trying to measure the resulting qubits that the probability interpretation comes into it.

The whole point in quantum computing is that it is not random but completely deterministic through the wavefunction. Only the measurements of quantum states are "random" and this is because you are forcing the system to take one of a few discrete values. Through multiple measurements, we can pin down the expectation (average) value of the observable which should be constant for constant inputs on a certain calculation.

If only physicists were used to using a language that often did implicit casts...

Perhaps you could pay the licence fee you damned foreigner!

Perhaps the reason they don't want you rubbing your hands through them before they go through patients is to avoid your(and any other accidental) contamination

Yeah, triple isn't really what most people call "MANY orders of magnitude".....

Perhaps this is the most important thing we could teach it.

The uncertainty is in most cases not an exact value as you suggest. In scientific studies, it is the standard deviation, which implies something like 60% of the measured values would fall within this mark.