Deep down inside, below all the layers of filth, below all the walls beyond all the gates and doors, under the piles of fake confidence, and deep at the bottom of the pit I call my soul, I am there, a small lonely scared little boy tring to cope. What does that make me?

Fluid Dynamics

Cut the outside, numb the in,
Pain thumping with each heartbeat,
Sadly I watch my hands move,
Sadly I watch my blood drain,
Happily I feel my pain wane,

Sighing as the bottle hits the floor,
I can only wish for more,
Sleepily i watch the bucket fill,
My life slowly becoming less ill,
I cry and cry and cry until I,

Cut the outside, numb the in,
Pain thumping with each breath,
Sadly I watch my hands move,
Sadly I watch my blood drain,
Happily I feel my pain wane,

Your standing there silently watching,
your breath grows shallow,
your eyes widen in horror,
you see my life on the floor,
and you shout some more!

Cut the outside, numb the in,
Pain thumping with each thought,
Sadly I watch my hands move,
Sadly I watch my blood drain,
Happily I feel my pain wane,

Happiness shown through angel eyes,
Pain within the demon's gaze,
Your wants and dreams floating,
Your love and hate sinking,
I stop caring and thinking.

Cut the outside, numb the in,
Pain thumping with each smile,
Sadly I watch my hands move,
Sadly I watch my blood drain,
Happily I feel my pain wane...

Well, the one group of friends that I thought were real friends, well, isn't. My best friend, I hope she is for real, but the others in the group, well...

I was talking with one of them and he said they won't be stoping by anymore cause they found someone else to get some stuff from, so they don't need me anymore. Woo, go me.

Fuck me with a red hot iron...

My writings have been a bit gloomy, but this time I wanted to write about my best friend.

I know I kept saying about how I have no real friends, and I do know that this is not true. I do have a few real friends.

One of them, I just can't beleave that she is my friend. She has helped me when I really need it and at times I try to help her out. We don't talk as much as I would like, but she is quite busy and is there when I need her.

She is sweet and smart and cute and just all around wonderful. I just can't beleave that she puts up with me at all.

We do things from time to time and I don't know, we just connect. I forget about my problems when I am with her. Now I know she won't be my girlfriend, because she is seeing someone, but I know him and he is quite cool, and well, it's a releif somewhat. I would love to be her man, but it cant' be and I accept that, but sometimes I wonder if things went slightly different in the past, what could have been. Well it wont and that is the end of that.

I just don't know why this is. I just can't see what she sees in me. Now I tend to run in a few different groups, and I have catagorized them.
1. the punk group, fun but totaly shallow friends. They wouldn't care if I oded behing a bar.
2. the it bunch, fun, but i don't really connect with these guys very well. we do things, but they really don't know me. They don't really care as well
3. My old school friends, they left me after we graduated from highschool and never heard from them again, so I conclud they don't care as well.
4. You slashdot fokes, I I would really like you know you guys, but alas, I can only know you guys so well.
5. These friends of mine, We lost contact about 3 months ago, but my best friend contacted me and were back to doing things with each other again. We have a few others that we do things with, but they and myself don't have the same connection.

I don't know. It's hard to keep thinking that I am friends with her. I don't understand why, so I just think it's not true, but I can't deny that it is like that when were together.

I'm rambling on, but anyway I just wanted to let you all know, my life isn't that bad all the time.

I wrote this, it's choppy, and maybe someday I will refine it, but I thought I could share...

*Twack* *Twack* The pounding inside my head keeps me awake. *Twack* *Twack* My body quivers with each poundind. The pain explodes inside my head in blinding colors and I scream in terror as I am swallowed.

I sit there, crying as my mind went over the day. Over and over again. Repeating every event, slowly, taking in every detail. I sit there and wonder why, I wonder why I feel this way. I wonder why I am so alone, so very alone. The pounding rain on the windows serve as a nice backdrop to my mood. I don't understand. Nothing went wrong, but nothing went right. I am so confused, so lost, so very alone. I walk over to my desk and take out a bottle. Sweet medicine. I fall to the floor.

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep* The alarm wakes me up from my slumber. One more day, a blessing for most people, a curse for myself. I drag myself into the shower and I vigeriously shake my head as the shock of the ice cold water striking my body hits me. Damn, the hot water heater must be broken again. I quickly start soaping my body when I notice the shallow slit in my wrist. Figures, a moment of sanity and I still couldn't dig deep enough. I wash the dried blood from my body and rinse off. I am shivering as I dry myself off, and I put on a sweatshirt and jeans and I get ready to leave for work. Damn job making me get up so early.

I close the door behind me as I enter the cold world outside. I look up and down the street, there is hardly a soul out at this hour, but there is life. Birds are singing and there is a rabbit running around. I slowly stroll accross the field heading toward work when I notice a baby rabbit has crawed out of it's hole. I feel a sense of joy watching it, but something is tugging at my mind. I don't know what it is. I don't know why it's there. My boot moves of it's own accord, slowly moving closer to the rabbit. I dont want to kill it, but I do. I want to stamp out all joy, but I dont. WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS? There is a sickening crunch as my boot finishes it's downward motion. I am sad, yet there is a part of me laughing. IT IS LAUGHING AT ME! I suck it up and continue walking, tring not to think about what I did, or did I? Was it someone else and I just didn't notice at first? I push it out of my mind.

My path leads me by this small pond. There are street lights around the path and there are a ton of ducks sleeping. I look at them so peacefully resting, when I get that feeling again. I push it down, deep, tring to keep it deep enough that I can forget it. I start to hurry past, keeping my eyes on the path. I cross a few roads and I come to my work, and as always, there she is. My boss. Waiting for me. Knowing I will be late, as I always am. Two god damn seconds. I have to stand there as she bitches at me for a entire quater of a hour waisting my time and hers as well. Fucken a, if it means so damn much, hire someone who cares. I start to envision her as the rabbit I saw on my way to work, hoping around like a mantiac, with no direction, no disction, and no faith. She lives until she gets killed, most likly by someone who she bitches out one too many times.

I put on my aprin and I start to get my area ready for the day.

--
I stoped writing a bit here The story jumps to later that night
--

I am pissed. I stomp the gas and the car lurches forward faster and faster. the speed climbs, and the road turns. Normaly I would slow down, but not tonight. I really want to die, but I can't do it. I'm too much of a god damned wimp. I can't do it, so I try to lose control, I try to drive faster and harder then I can handle. I try and try and fail once more. Screaching around curbs, and Lurching and sliding and flying along. I feel alive when I WANT TO BE DEAD! WHY? WHY GOD WHY? JUST KILL ME AND GET IT OVER WITH! Tears stream down my face as I envision yanking the wheel toward a wall, in one blinding screech of metal vs stone I would be gone. I never buckle up because if something happens, I WANT TO DIE! Christ, why have you turned away from me? I come upon a super sharp turn and I don't make it. The car slams into the field, corn stalks go everywhere as the car carves a path behind it. sadly nothing killed me. I head home to drink myself to oblivian

subgeek posted this in my last journal:
i don't know if it makes you feel any better, but i have been through times when i felt in ways similar to the way you feel. i felt worthless, ugly, stupid. i didn't do drugs at all (still don't), but people thought i was an addict or possibly a dealer. i thought no one cared about me. i thought no woman would ever love me. i wanted to do more than die. i wanted anihilation. i wanted never to have existed.

and i realized something. i feel almost exactly like that. i do with i never existed. it almost seems like i want to feel this way, because now that i look back, there's nothing for me to be upset about, yet i still feel upset about not having anything to be upset about. does that make sense? i feel like i should have all the negative that is in the world. for some reason, it is rightfuly mine, and mine alone, and if i had this negative in me, then it would valadate my feelings somehow. i think it has something to do with no postitive valadation, i have to look to the other extreme. now i really dont have any real negative, so i invented it to justify myself. if i am the worlds bitch, at least i have a reason to be here. now i have done quite a few bad things, but none of them really has been that bad. maybe i have a problem with my life because there is nothing defined. i am not good nor evil. i am not rich nor poor. i am nothing special. it is odd that knowing others felt the same way once and they got better does make me feel better.

i think i know why i cant make a move toward a girl as well. once i feel attracted to a girl, i think about it. i think about how it could work. nights that i could be held as i softly cry insted of being so very alone. i think about a loving touch or a wonderious embrace, and i dont think there is anything wrong with this, except i get so attached to the thought of having a relationship, i cant take the chance to ruin the thought, so i never try. in my mind, every relationship can be perfect, in realty, none can, and i guess i value the thought more then the possablity of a real relationship.

do you ever yern for highschool again? it was so simple when the worst i had to deal with was how to get out of doing homework. i could also convince myself that my friends were my friends because they liked me, not because they were force to be there. i yern for the days when my grand fathers were alive, and i wish i could spend more time with them. i wish i could do so much differently back then. i also am scared of making the same mistakes again, as did i really learn anything or is this all a accident. I loved my grandfather and he was really the only family member to give me the support i needed, and up until he died, i cared about school, i cared about a lot of things, and i remember the first time i got a report card after he died. i came running home, so proud of my a minus. went up to my parents and told them they have to show grandpa and they wouldnt answer me. that was the first time i understood death. up until then, death wasnt so final. i threw out the report card and just stoped caring. at this point in my life i didnt know my other grandfather, as he and my mom didnt get along because of a bunch fo stupid shit. i meet him about eight years ago. i really started spending some time with him about five years ago, but after a year or so, my ohh so important life keept me away from him. i loved him but i turned my back on him. when he died earlyer this year, i wasnt allowed to see him before he died because of my fucken parents arguing about stupid shit rather then tring to help anyone.

i just dont know sometimes, i really dont.

I have a lot to confess. I should start out with I can't spell very well and writing is very hard for me to do. I am a very sick person, but I also am very sane. Maybe I should start out with what people think I am, and what I really am.

My friends think I am a hard core man. I am a real man. I kick peoples asses for looking at me wrong. I do hard drugs, and I do them like a man. I drive fast, I drive hard, and I am a insane motherfuck. I had a relationship with a girl once and she killed herself. Because of me. Thus is why I don't go after anyone else. It hurts too much. I am a pure apathetic person to the law and the world. I am confident in my ablitys to hold a job, and I know what the fuck I am doing on a computer. I deserve what money I make and what I steal and what I make selling. I have a police rec as long as my arm and I walk around armed.

Now here's the storys.

I am a sad man. I had to create storys to deal with a girl saying no to me. I can't do anything right and I can't tell anyone because my entire world is hinged on lies. I can't even cry because I wonder what is real anymore. I have done drugs, and I still will, but it's light shit like pot or maybe acid. No coke, no crack, nothing hard at all. I smoke cigs and act cool. I've never been in a fight, noone will fight me as my rep has grown out of my control. I'm no small kid, but I fear the day someone who can kick my ass stands up to me and I have to take a beating to keep my digitanty.

I do drive fast, but I don't do any real cool shit. I keep it controled, but I can't tell anyone that, they wouldn't like me if I didn't have my storys.

I had a relationship with a girl once. but I tell people she moved close to me and we actually started dating, but she had to move away. We kept in contact via the phones until one day we got into a fight and she killed herself. the truth is that she never moved close to me and infact as far as I know, didn't kill herself. I loved her, but we drifted apart. I still love her and sometimes I feel better that I can blame god for her going away from me.

I can't go after other girls because I am too damn scared. I am too damn chicken. I don't look good. I am a fucken fat ass with no self confidence. I deserve to die.

I am the most apathetic person in the world on the outside, but damn, I really care about everything I can. There just is no way that I can show it and still be 'me'.

I follow the law all the time, I rarely break it.

I have a computer job, networking, but I don't see how I can keep it. I have no formal education, and I am just a normal joe. Everyone can do more then I can, and most likly better then myself. How do I keep doing what I love when I don't deserve it?

I have deep scars on my wrists from tring to die. I can't cry, even when I am alone, because what I want to cry about it my own creation. I create stuff to be sad and angry about. I cant keep this up, but I must.

I love life, but I would be better off dead, that's for damn sure. There are times I want to invent a time machine so I can go back and kill myself as a infant just so I don't have to deal with all this.

I am sad and angry for no reason. I don't beleave in god, he hasn't done anything for me, and I don't have any morals except to keep my life in the hellhole it is.

I sit here lonly, and sad, jacking off to porn because no woman would ever want me.

My 'friends' only ever talk to me when they want something. I could die and noone would notice for months. Noone from highschool talks to me anymore. It's obvious that they were only my friends because we saw each other everyday and they felt sorry for me. I can't have friends any other way. I have a cell phone and use it less then 10 min a fucken month, and they are dude, get us shit.

How do you deal with life? How do you deal with the presures of this existance? I want to go somewhere and cry, but I have nothing to cry about...

I am sorry for this, but it does help me is some unknown way.