We talked late last night. She came back to the house, and it felt more like home for both of us. We're going to fight through our stupid fears and get on with us.

A wonderful woman loved me and gave me all her heart, and I didn't know what to do with it. She used to tell me that I restored her faith in humanity, but now she's more certain than ever that people are just hopelessly stupid.

Nothing happened. I didn't cheat on her or say mean things to her. We didn't fight. She just loved me without reservation, and I couldn't figure out how to do the same. I was just me -- calm, reserved, half-assed. It's the third time in my life I've really hurt someone by loving them just enough to hurt them, but not enough to make them, or me, happy.

If I ever whine again about the curse of being "just friends", shoot me in the fucking head. Maybe those girls were smarter than I thought. One of the problems with getting a late start in dating, as I did, is that it's harder to learn and the stakes are higher as you get older. You've already built up walls, even if you don't know it -- even if you've had no real reason in your life.

The house didn't feel this empty the first night I had it, when I bought an air mattress and slept on the floor because I felt that I was no longer welcome in my friend's house. It didn't feel this empty after they hauled blue's body out and the homicide detectives left me alone.

Intelligent Falling Theory may explain the difficulties scientists have had thus far in creating a Grand Unified Theory, the Holy Grail of physics.

BTW, wtf happened to the science topic? This is important research. Inquiring minds want to know.

My fellow 'merkins, for those of you who fear that we are falling behind the rest of the world in technology and basic language skills, fear not, for we have exported teh intarweb to turn to mush the minds of furriners too. Follows exhibit A, a query about admission to our graduate program, one of the best around. This query was sent to an email address clearly labeled on our website as a software support address.

dear sir,
i m doing the B.THEC in computer science & engg. in india..i want to get admission in ur university in MS in computer science..i have a some queiries regarding the following...
1.whats the requirements are needed for the MS in computer science?
2.whats the minimum score are needed for getting admission to this univ in MS in computer science?
3.i need to apply for the 100% tution waiver scholarship so whats the requirements are needed behind it?
4.whats the minimum GRE score are needed for the 100% tution waiver scholarship???
5.whats the money required for applying this university?
6.whats the deadline for the application of MS in computer science?
7.can i apply for both MS and the PHD cources?
8.whats the requirements are needed for the PHD in computer science?
9.whats the minimum score are needed for getting admission to this univ in PHD in computer science?
10.after completting the cources what can i expect to get a job there?
11.after completing the cources in MS if i don't get a job there,can i apply for the PHD programme in this university?
12.is it easier to a get there after immediately completition of the MS in computer science cources?
13.if i don't get the scholarship then can i apply for the other scholarships.....if u have any list then u can give it to me???
14.can university assit for the bank loan for the study of the MS programme in ur university???
15.is it easier to get the part time job there,can university assit me to get it???
i hope u can understand me ..& respond me as soon as possible..i m eagerly waititng ur reply..
bye 4 now
[person's name]

Normally, I cut (presumably) non-native speakers of English lots of slack when they attempt to use this silly, hodgepodge of words and rules, but this guy doesn't seem to be attempting to speak English; he seems to be attempting to speak teenage twit chat speak.

I was about to delete the message because it looked like one of the sloppier variants of the Nigerian scam at first, but I noticed that it mentioned computer science and decided to (try to) read it.

BTW, Hi. I'm still around, but I'm about 160 JEs behind, so I have no idea what you guys are up to. I'm very sorry about all of the bad things and very happy about all of the good things. Keep a stiff upper lip, you'll get through this $PROBLEM. Enjoy the $COOLNESS, you deserve it.

Because my friend Dan is a badass, I scored one of the very limited number of tickets to the Nine Inch Nails concert Wednesday at Stubb's BBQ. We got our tickets for $30 each the very minute they became available. The next day, we saw tickets for this show going for $150 each, and by Wednesday, they were up to $250 to $330 each.

It was a good show. They played more old stuff than new. Trent now looks like a bodybuilder, which is just bizarre to me. We all had a good time, but I don't think any of us would have been willing to part with $300 to see it.

The goths, gothlings, demi-goths, and visigoths were amusing, especially the ones covered head-to-toe in black vinyl/plastic/rubber/leather/whatever. A lot of the crowd was made up of whitebread old farts like us, though -- people who actually remember when NIN first hit the scene.

I'm off to the big D, or thereabouts, this long weekend to enjoy the final week of Scarborough Faire with my girlfriend. (I was about to linkify her, but it'd turn your stomach to hear all the nice things she says about me so... hey, on second thought...) We'll be doing 3 days of faire, plus going to the final weekend cast parties at night. There are also supposed to be people from other renfaires there this weekend, so it should be fun. We have a cold front that's playing around here, so unlike last weekend, it's supposed to stay well below 100F. Highs should be in the chilly lower 80s.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Texas Women

Guten dias. I'm still alive and well here at the funny farm^W^W university. Work is going well. Play is going well.

I haven't been on the 'dot much lately because RL has kept me pretty busy. Well, RL and not-so-R L. I've been reading, but not commenting much. I now have a girlfriend and a mistress, so I haven't had much free time to write in my journal.

How cool is my girlfriend? When I asked if she wanted to go to Fry's with me to get a few parts to build a second computer (I had to build one so that she could play WarCrack on something other than my WarCrack machine) she got all excited and wiggly like a puppy. She's also a painter and a cast member at Scarborough Faire, and an all-around cool chick. She also got really excited when I mentioned that a friend had burned DVDs of the new Battlestar Galactica series for me.

Moments ago I purchased our tickets to this year's Austin City Limits Music Festival. They have more bands playing than I care to try to count, some local and some from far away.

Tonight we're going to try to head down to First Thursday for free music and beer. The first Thursday of each month the merchants of South Congress stay open until 10pm and bands play and beer is given out. It's a sort of monthly neighborhood block party, but on a larger scale. I've never been, but I've always meant to.

How you doin'?

I just want to say thanks to all of you for your support and kind words. I appreciate it.

I'm sorry to tell everyone in a journal like this, but I don't know what else to do. One of my friends already knows because we were supposed to be going to our second day of the free side of SxSW. He called while they were still trying to revive her.

I found bluefairee in her bed this morning dead. She had barricaded herself in her room and taken all of her pills.

I called 911, and as always, they showed up in amazing time and a whole hospital worth of them did everthing they could, but it was too late. I don't know about emergency services in other places, but the ones in Austin are great people -- everyone from the police, the homicide detective, the ME, the victim services, the fire department, and the ambulance services.

[phone call]

Her manager just called to see if she was okay. The police called the store to see if she had worked last night. I told him the news. That would be the first of a number of notifications that I suppose will be forthcoming.

[phone call]

My friend Dan called to see if she's okay. He insisted on leaving the festival to be with me for a while. He's on his way.

Lest anyone worry, I'm not blaming myself. I'm not second-guessing everything I've done or not done. I'm not fretting over what warning signs I missed. I'm crying occasionally, but mostly thinking about what a shame it is that she wasn't surrounded by great friends and family the way I have been. I tried to share that with her, but we had 30 very ugly years to overcome, and we didn't quite manage it. I'm wondering what to do about her dog. I'm dreading dealing with her family about her possessions -- the mean, crazy mother and the recently-out-of-prison brother.

While everyone was here the part of me that is always calm and detached was observing how strange it is for all of these people to be handling something that is routine for them and a huge tragedy for the people they're dealing with.

[knock on door] Some of my neighbors saw the ambulances and came over to see if everthing was okay and if they could do anything.

[knock on door]
[nice long visit with Dan]

I guess I'll wrap this up for now. I started it about 2.5 hours ago. I'm going to heat up some leftovers from last night's dinner at Polvo's, then maybe do some cleaning. I need to clean up her room.

p.s. There's one additional pisser today. I lost my Visa check card last week and had to cancel it, just in time for World of Warcrack to try to charge this month's payment. They've suspended my account until I get new card information to them, which I can't do until I get my replacement card in the mail. They gave me a temporary ATM card immediately, but they said it would take a couple of weeks to get my replacement check card. Dammit! This would be a good time for grinding levels and mining.

Howdy, neighbors! I'm still alive and well, despite my near-nonpresence on slashdot for the last few months. I've been busy with life and distracted by World of Warcrack. My dwarf rogue wants you to know he's also doing fine, in case you were worried.

I'm getting psyched for South By Southwest, which starts next week. My boss gave my officemate and myself time off to go to all the free day shows that are happening all over the place. Neither of us bought wristbands, let alone badges, for the festival. We're just going to free shows and doing pay-as-we-go for any non-free ones we want to see. Dan is kind of a music guru, so I expect this to be an educational experience. He's also planning to check out a video camera from the department to do a sort of documentary of bumming through the festival without spending money (except for food, booze, and booze, when we can't bum those). I assume he's going to enter it into our little film festival later this spring. I haven't checked the current count, but last year there were over 1200 bands from around the world in the official festival, in addition to untold numbers of bands playing all over the place outside the aegis of SXSW. I think there are 20 or more flying in from Japan, and I've noticed several European bands on the list too. I think a bunch of us from work are going to try to catch one of the several performances by the Japanese all-girl rock group Bleach. We saw them when they came to town last fall (while TL was visiting, IIRC). They kick much ass and cause much hearing damage. It's fun to watch them blow the hell out of the meek, mild, Asian chick stereotype.

We've also been talking about how we always talk about going to the SXSW film festival but never do, so maybe we'll try harder to do that this year. I'm sure we'll at least talk about it again. I think they have something like 170 films. They usually have a few world premiers by guys like Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino, who live and/or play in Austin, as well as new filmmakers.

Blue has had some really rough times, but she's doing amazingly well. She's been confronting demons that have been buried for decades and kicking their scaly little asses. I'm very proud of her. She's finally learned that life isn't supposed to suck; it's supposed to be mostly clear with only scattered suck on Monday afternoon, and a chance of crappy on Tuesday morning. She's said that she really appreciates all of the people who've kept in touch via IM. It's given her an appreciation for how total strangers will reach out to help one another out of the goodness of their hearts. She was raised to trust no one, so she's blazing new trails.

I put some cool mappy things in my LiveJournal because slashdot sucks -- I mean because slashdot doesn't do pictures and stuff. (If you look around some, you'll also see that I ripped off FK's pointless posts from today without attribution because I was too lazy to do the linkage. Sue me.)

BTW, in case you were wondering, blue and I are both alive and doing okay. I spent a big chunk of my holiday playing World of WarCrack and, when their servers were down (dammit!!!!), NOLF2, and didn't much feel like posting.

A woman rear-ends a man's nice, big Mercedes, both people get out of their vehicles, converge on the point of impact, see that there's no major damage, smile, give each other a big hug, and part ways.

That scene happened in the Whole Foods parking lot while bluefairee, newfern, and I met with rdewald and YTYTYTYTYTY.

I thoroughly enjoyed meeting Richard, brief though the meeting may have been. I look forward to his future visits and to reciprocating. I need to make it back up to New York again.

And now for something completely different.

I was just looking at the end-of-season standings for the Big 12. The only team from my division, Big 12 South, that did not make the Top 25 is Baylor. Every other team here makes up 1/5 of the entire Top 25. That's a pretty tough division. Hell, just having Oklahoma in the division is tough enough. Even a couple of teams from the much weaker northern division are playing bowl games.

It looks like New Year's Day will be an orgy of football watching. First I have to watch the Aggies beat up on TN in the Cotton Bowl, then I'll watch the Horns beat Michigan in the Rose Bowl. Should be a good day. I should be able to find HD feeds for both games. Hopefully said feeds will not be on ABC. Those dipshits seem to know less about football than I do, and believe me, that's an insult. They have shitty camera operators, stupid commentary, and they cut to interviews while the ball is in play. I've meant to rant about how much they suck a couple of other times during the season, but I was too lazy to bother.

I may not be able to do the games in Dolby Digital sound, despite the HD feeds. My beloved Yamaha is still sick. One of the guys at work is trying to fix it, but he can't find any schematics or other tech info about it online. Something seems to have tripped the protection circuitry, so it turns itself back off as soon as I hit the power switch. Yamaha does their own custom ICs, so there's no information about them generally available. I may have to find an authorized Yamaha repair place and see if I can afford to have them fix it. I have ${too_many_dollars} in audio equipment in my living room that has been gathering dust for months now. My friend, nyogtha, has kindly offered to give my speakers and TV a home while I'm waiting for repairs. I felt I had to reciprocate, and offered to house his amplifier. So far, no equipment has moved.

Blue had a session this afternoon which started off well, but apparently ended rather badly. The doctor touched on something that upset her pretty badly. Badly enough that I think she started talking to him about taking all of her meds because this wasn't any kind of life to live. He told her that he thought she should go to the hospital for evaluation and some time to stabilize. When he left the room to call the hospital or for some reason, she bolted, grabbed some things from the house, and took off in her car. She called me at the time I normally get off work to tell me what had happened and to ask for advice. I calmed her down a bit, walked to meet her, and came home with her. Then I called her doctor to try to figure and straighten things out. We discussed the situation, and I explained to him that her mother and grandmother have convinced her that if she goes in the state hospital, very bad things will happen to her, and they'll never let her out. I told him she was at home and posing no danger to herself or anyone else, and that she's been doing very well for the last month. He said he thought it was still best for her to go in for evaluation. He said that the police should be looking for her because he called them when she bolted, and that we should just wait here until they show up to bring her in.

I went out to the porch and talked to her about it. She was very upset, but cooperative. We came inside and packed a backpack of things she wanted to have with her. Then we sat on the couch together watching TV and waiting for them to arrive. She fell asleep, and I came in here to write this JE. We're still waiting. I guess I'll wake her to give her the night dose of meds.

My friends rock. Two of my friends from work just gave me World of WarCrack today as a $holiday gift. I had just become re-additcted to Neverwinter Nights after a hiatus prompted by the last few months of More Important Things to worry about. Now that the brutal winter has set in (it was 70F and sunny today -- brrrr), I should have some good FRPG time ahead of me, especially when the semester ends and my friends have time to join me online.

Personally, I'm doing pretty well lately, but quite a few of my friends are going through rough times. I wish I could do more for them, but they're mostly stuck muddling through on their own. The most I can do is listen, offer a little perspective, and let them know I care. I was on the phone with one friend for about 3 hours last night. I think I've spent more cumulative time in coversations with people trying to help them work on relationship problems than I've actually spent in relationships in my life. I guess it goes with that whole Boy Next Door thing.