Yesterday was my last day @ church.

I basically went because I wanted to say goodbye & to basically go as much as I could, even if it would only be once in a blue moon. Since I'm attending improv classes, which are Saturday & Sunday, starting this coming Saturday, I think that I won't be able to attend any morning services.

I deliberately took these classes, even though it conflicted with the morning services because I still feel like I need more information on things in general, & thought that they might be able to help me, & believe that the church hasn't been helping me progress as much as I could. I also did it to give myself a tiny excuse to not go. I suppose that I could just go to an evening service, but I'm not really interested in going any more.

Let me explain.

Yesterday was kind of weird for me. It was the 1st time back since I had my 1st migrane. I missed that 1st Sunday because I was tired & trying to recover. After 2 missed Sundays, I was pretty much good to go, but I still didn't want to, because I was still tired, & I really wasn't in the mood for it anymore. I honestly thought that the feelings would pass, & that it was important not to stress myself out.

Yesterday, I felt a bit of nausea @ the very thought of going to church. I felt guilty for not wanting to go, & decided to just suck it up & go.

When I got there, I was surprised to see a particular lady teaching the class. She's been divorced, just because of not getting along. She doesn't exactly appear to be the most perceptive person that I met. She always seems to state the unnecessary. I tried to ignore all of that. After a while that nausea came back.

I had to ask myself, "Honestly, why do I even want to listen to this lady speak about missionaries of the past? What does she know? She doesn't strike me as an expert.". The more that I thought about it, the more that I became offended.

Eventually, I just walked out. I honestly couldn't stomach this. This was yet another lesson that was as impractical as any other. It boiled my blood to think that we were wasting so much time learning about things that don't make a difference in life. I remember thinking similar things before: "Why don't we learn about city planning issues & how they affect the church?"; "Why don't we learn about law & how it affects the church?"; "Why don't we learn about economics & how it affects the church?"; etc. Obviously, I would want us to learn about how those concepts affect us personally as well as the church, but you probably know what I mean.

What made it worse is that I read "The Tipping Point" in the previous week, which is about how small changes create big changes. It's basically about social behaviour & how we distribute information as a society. This was yet another field of study that the church was ignoring.

They unintentionally added insult to injury: they never allowed me to teach! Yeah, I know. I'm not the greatest, but still! I have a Bible college degree, & here they were asking this woman who probably knew less than a parrot. Argh!!! To add even more insult to injury, they rejected me when I asked if I could teach; twice! Again, I know that there could be people better than me, but I can't stand how it's so hard for me to find a place in that church.

So, anyhow, I just left & went to the church library to read whatever I fancied. After that, I went back to the classroom to say my good-byes, but many were chatting away, so I just said it to 1 fellow I could talk to. I was a bit disappointed in the way that he turned to chat with someone while I was still speaking. Again, I tried to dismiss it because maybe the fellow needed to speak to someone about something important before that someone left.

*sigh*

So while I was stewing away in the service, I couldn't get over how annoyed I was. Everything was the same: more sermons about trivial details that didn't change lives; more of everything but the essentials.

I'm just so mad.

Compare that to the people that I have volunteered with. I got compliments. I was told that he wish he could pay me. The lady is friendly with me. The students appreciated my work.

Obviously none of these facts mean anything, but how can a group hope to improve things when they have poor quality responses?

• "Well, you obviously perceive something wrong, but keep trying to be accepted, & maybe we will accept you 1 day."
• "Well, nobody's perfect!"
• "Hey, this is normal!"

Nobody said any of these things, but that's the impression that I get.

So, what does this mean for me & churches? Well, I think that I can't just excuse myself, & sit back while waiting for people to come to me & impress me. So, after improv classes, I'm going to bring out my sketch board & do some open air campaigning. When I was in college, 1 of the classes taught us how to use water colours to make low budget paintings that would grab the attention of pedestrians, while you preached an evangelistic sermon. That's right. Yours truly used to be 1 of those nutty guys on the streets, who would preach & hand out tracts. :^) I figure that I've grown a lot since then, & that I'm more focused on the types of issues that plague us.

Unfortunately, I honestly don't know what to say. Even if I knew what to say, I wouldn't know what to do with people if they showed an interest or converted. How does 1 go about leading a group of strangers in some new religious movement? I don't want to be a cult. I don't want to be part of Christianity. Talk about a rock & a hard place.

All I know is that praying & standing in the same place, will result in nothing. I'd rather try & fail, so that I can sleep @ night. No matter what, I refuse to give in to mediocrity.

I think that I have 3 things going for me, even 4 [wow, I always wanted to use that expression; more on that later]:

• the willingness to draw boundaries even when I lose out financially or authoritatively
• an understanding that there are more issues [ie: economics; justice; etc.] than prayer
• the understanding that faith is evidence of things unseen, as opposed to the common belief that it is willingness to believe without evidence, or gullibility, etc.; in other words, I want a religion that requires intellect & is accessible to the common man
• the willingness to part ways every time the congregation reaches 150 in membership

The last item is fundemental, because it protects the members from bad leadership getting too much power, & allows us to maintain a tight knit group. I leant that from "The Tipping Point". The idea is that we don't have the physical capacity to personally know more than 150 people. The Amish spilt up @ 150. The makers of Gortex do it too. No building contains more than 150 workers. Both groups discovered this on their own. Roman centurians lead 100 people. This seems subjective but undisputable.

150 is something that I pondered during the Sunday service. I couldn't get over many people we seemed to have only during 1 service: 400. No wonder there is no tight knit group!

I could be wrong, but even the cults split @ 150 as well.

I guess that's it. Questions? Comments?

Note: that phrase, "even 4" is in the Bible; it would often mention "...3 blah blah, even 4..."; there is nothing spiritually or intellectually significant as far as I can tell; I just happen to love the way that it rolls off the tongue.

***More Volunteering Opportunities***
***Retarded Experiences***
***The Lady***

***More Volunteering Opportunities***

Did I mention that I wanted to volunteer with more organizations? The idea is that I want to volunteer in different types of situations in order to ensure that I make some measurable benefits for the me & the world. In other words, if 1 opportunity doesn't work out, then another might bear some fruit.

** Teaching High School Math To Adult Students

It's pretty much just what the subtitle says. These people don't have learning disabilities. It's just that they are returning to school for whatever reasons. I like grade 11 math. I did well @ it. I should most likely succeed in some way.

** Big Brothers

I'll be some kind of mentor, if they'll accept me. I'll be paired up with a kid who has no father. We could literally do almost anything. We could do homework, just have fun and/or talk about the issues of life. It's literally up to us.

Honestly, 1 of the things that caught my attention was the offering of free tickets to movies & shows. As I browsed their web site, I noticed that the big brothers [that would be me] would get together with the big sisters. Don't get me wrong. The little brothers & sisters would be there too, but still.

** Nonprofit Organization That Provides Capacity

This group provides services to other charities & nonprofits, such as accounting, marketing, web site design & whatever, so that those groups can run on a more efficient budget.

I joined because I wanted to learn about marketing. I think that the biggest challenge would be dealing with the other volunteers. We were discussing the web site. 1 of the guys who has a masters degree [I think in business & marketing] mentioned that it would be real easy to whip up a web site [ie: Flash, Dreamweaver, Front Page]. I honestly tried to keep quiet. I really did, but I couldn't. I basically explained to them as best as I could the benefits of good HTML & how we shouldn't try to go with something big & flashy. I tried to mention screen readers, braille, cell phones, hand helds, lap tops, etc. I especially tried to emphasize how outdated IE is. I don't think that the other volunteers grasped what I said. That fellow said after the meeting, "So, you're a luddite with browsers, eh? :^)". Yeah, he was smiling, & probably didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure that we'll get along just fine. However, I can't emphasize how annoying it is to hear that. I believe that it takes craftsmanship to skillfully create a web page; you need to interpret the text so that you could use the correct HTML elements. On top of that, I'm using a modern browser [Opera 7.60 Beta], while he's probably using IE. I didn't get offended, though. On top of that, a lady says something about just trying to meet the needs of 85-90% of the market & not worrying about the rest. How sad. Don't get me wrong. I believe in being pragmatic. It's just that we don't even have actual content yet, so let's not give up on the 10-15% so quickly.

1 of the bosses emailed me saying that she agreed with some/all of what I said. So, it should be interesting to see how it plays out. I'm there to learn, & not to actually achieve anything. I don't want to declare an HTML jihad. So it should be really interesting.

***Retarded Experiences***

Remember those people that I taught typing to? Well, from now on, I'm going to call them the retarded people. I don't mean it in a condescending way. "Retarded" is just "slower", not "stupid". I can't remember all the recent stylish politically correct terms.

So, I went in again on Tuesday, & sat down with the instructor to see if any new ideas came up during the week, to bounce off my new ideas & to hash out a game plan for the lesson. We also met after class to review, to evaluate any techniques that we tried, & plan for the week. In short, it all went well. We're still on the same page & more so. We had intended to try out some cooking thing, but we decided against that because we couldn't trust them to keep their hands clean; food safety & all; you know how it is.

The lesson was very challenging. We basically did some theatre sports & presented our ideas of hands on work.

Unfortunately, we never got to do some typing because most of the computers were being used. That's okay, because I think that they have bigger problems. 1 of them seems to have significant attitude problems; not interested in participating. Some of them have serious private conflicts that they are dealing with right now.

1 of the challenges of theatre sports was trying to get them to come up with something new.

To really nail the lesson home, I tried to make it easier by having them fill in the blank on the white board: "I like working with you because ________". Even that was a challenge because I'd get responses like, "But we don't work with you!", or some such thing. After we made it through that game, I decided to try again, but with a simpler sentence: "I like ________". After the 1st person finished her sentence, I made a new rule: "From now on, you can't talk about 'music' or 'Christian'. For example, you can't say 'rock music'".

"But why? Christian music makes us think about God. Rock music doesn't. They are different."

While the teacher was saying his explanation, I thought up mine. I think he said something about tolerance. I think that it was a pretty reasonable response too. My explanation was that they were both music & that they weren't different enough for the exercise.

So, after the 2nd person, I made a new rule, saying that we couldn't use such 'n such anymore.

After the 3rd, I made another rule.

After the fourth, I asked if they could guess what my next rule would be. They pretty much got it. I then asked what my new rules were going to be after the next 1. That stumped them, but they kind of got it after I explained it. I think that they won't grasp it until they see more examples, which means more fill-in-the-short-sentences.

I guess that my point in all of this is to illustrate that it is a lot like programming in that you have to break it down to the problem areas, & get very specific. It's debugging in every sense of the word.

Another thing that we did was get them to log in & write when they had to leave. This would give them some routine, & avoid wasting class time discussing when everybody had to leave. It also gives them practise printing & spelling. I'm honestly surprised @ how challenging the task was for them.

It is definitely frustrating. I want to usher in utopia now. Yet, the people that I'm supposed to be helping seem to be the very 1s standing in my way. :^) :^/

***The Lady***

Well, there isn't much to say here, other than the fact that the lady wasn't supposed to be @ work, because she's supposed to take a day off of work after a long weekend or something. We saw each other, & said our greetings. She looked fine. He appeared even shorter than before.

I asked her what she did on the weekend. She said that she couldn't tell me. My face must have betrayed my surprise & frustration, because she giggled & poked my belly.

Ah, what a cutie pie.

Considering how nutty the last journal entry was, I'd like to try it again. I thought about it all night long, while I was out. I kind of felt bad. Actually, I felt really bad. So, if you'll indulge me, then I'd like to save what's left of my shattered reputation by restating what I wanted to state last time.

Okay, 1st of all, I'd like to take this back.

Slashdotters are just armchair critics. People who are passivists are armchair critics. People who didn't serve in this war are armchair critics. That's right. If you were in the military in another time period, then you served then, not now.

I stand by the 1st 2 groups that I criticized, but I also recognize that passivists tend to be a slightly different ball of wax. As for the last group, it doesn't really make sense in that context. It might make sense in the following context. I take it all back because it just doesn't fit and/or is wrong.

2nd of all, I'm not ranting against people who wish to speak out against something that is wrong. You don't have to pay taxes. You don't have to fight in any wars. You don't even have to be American to speak out like that. If you ought to speak out on a moral issue, then don't even ask for permission. In fact, it's more fun when you don't have permission, & irritate people, all @ the same time. I wish you people well.

However, there is another group here called "armchair critics". They don't contribute meaningfully in anyway except through taxes. They don't propose any thouroughly thought out ideas except for "leave me alone". They always have harsh criticisms & slanders of people that they don't respect.

What right do they have to complain? Sure, they pay taxes, but does it justify their uncivilized remarks? The Bible says [you knew there was a Bible principle behind all of this, didn't you? :^)] that Michael the archangel didn't bring a vile accusation against Satan when disputing over the body of Moses. Hey, if anybody deserves harsh rebukes, & to be called names, then it is definitely Satan, don't you think? If we can't speak so harshly against him, then how much less can we speak harshly against our fellow man? Don't get me wrong. I realize that not many of you take the Bible so authoritatively. I'm just trying to clarify my position.

Apparently some of us don't agree, because we can't do anything but say foul things against the 2 major parties & their supporters. I'm not talking about labels like "Demubicans" or "Republicrats". Why do we have to insult them & their supporters as if they are stupid? Are they really? or are they just willing to accept the unfortunate circumstances or work with what they got?

Don't get me wrong. I hate the 2 party system, & agrue that it is morally wrong.

Don't get me wrong. I hate the politicians around us. I hope that the unrepentant 1s burn in hell for their corruption.

My complaint is that most people aren't doing anything about it anymore than the Iraquis are doing something about their predicament.

Let's look @ the facts.

• The Iraquis don't do a lot about their predicament.
• The Americans don't do a lot about their 2 party system.
• Both groups pay taxes.
• Some/Most Americans complain about the 2 party system.
• Some/Most Americans complain about the Iraqis not saving themselves.

All tax paying Americans can go ahead & voice their thoughts about the 2 party system, but the only 1s that will gain my respect in this issue are the 1s who do something about it.

Here are some suggestions that would earn my respect:

• vote for an alternative so that @ least some of the tax payer dollars can go to someone else for a change, even though he can't make a difference in this world
• educate others about the seriousness of this problem
• if the time comes, then fight for it, using ammo & fists
• vote for it

Here are some suggestions that would loose [just kidding; I mean "lose"] my respect:

• use lots of condescending remarks
• have very little awareness of what goes into each voter's decision making process
• think highly of your intellect, if you have very little of it
• use disclaimers as justification for your wild inaccuracies & your vile attitude
• don't care for what's right
• care more about people than what's right
• criticize Iraquis for doing little about their situation, even though you've done nothing but talk the talk, even though they have more to lose [ie: family, money; life] & so little to gain, even though you have very little to lose & a lot to gain
• etc. [I could on & on]

Does that clarify things?

I've noticed that people have made a lot of complaints about the 2 parties & the 2 party system.

Do they really have a right to complain?

They complain about the war in Iraq.
They complain about Iraqis not doing their part to overthrow Saddam.
They complain about the 2 party system.
They complain about each party.

I don't see why anybody has a right to complain. It's 1 thing to voice your opinion, which is often worthless. It's 1 thing to try to make plans to do something about it. However, it's a completely different thing to complain with a holier-than-thou attitude while you sit in your comfortable home doing nothing.

Slashdotters are just armchair critics. People who are passivists are armchair critics. People who didn't serve in this war are armchair critics. That's right. If you were in the military in another time period, then you served then, not now.

People love to talk about how they would stand up for what's right, but really now. Imagine that you have a baby girl. Imagine that your dictator has captured her & holds a gun to her head to force you to fight. You are frail & weak. You aren't strong enough to rescue your daughter. Do you follow orders & fight the people who are fighting to save you, in hopes of saving your daughter? or would your rather fight with them while your daughter gets shot in the head?

I don't know what the Iraqui situation is like, but hopefully when I criticize all the participants, I'll be looking @ it from their perspective & refrain from arrogant remarks. What about you?

Well, my brother's wife's water broke in the wee hours of the morning.

***The Story***
***My Thoughts***

***The Story***

The wife was supposed to have a c-section in this Friday, & the baby was due in the 3rd week of this month. I feel better knowing that the baby was brought out after the water broke. Water breaking seems to imply to me that the baby is ready to come out.

The baby was born @ approx. 11:11a, & weighed in @ aprrox. 7 pounds 10 ounces. It never occurred to me to ask if the baby was healthy, because the numbers all sounded the good.

We'll see.

***My Thoughts***

Well, I was kind of nervous about having another member join the family. I hate disruptions. However, the most recents changes have been going smoothly, & we haven't had any major changes for a while.

1 of the things that concerned me was whether or not we would have to put up with a bratty ankle biter.

However, the wife politely commented on her sister spoiling her son [in other words, the nephew of my brother & his wife]. She made a commitment to not let the baby cry to get what she wants. Frankly, I believe her, because I see the way that they raised the cat.

As for me being an uncle, I don't know what to say. I've never corrupted a child before, & I'm looking forward to getting my hands on her & showing her all the evil things that she can get away with. ;^) Seriously, I don't forsee any major problems in the next little while. I suppose the only dilemas will happen if she asks me those deep questions about life which aren't fun to answer: doctrinal issues & political issues. I figure that as long as I always encourage her to tell her parents what we talked about, then almost anything is fair game. After all, she should be allowed to get opinions from other people.

In fact, if I get a kid, then I hope that I can encourage him to talk to other people. I figure that it isn't my job to shape the child's belief system. I believe that I'm supposed to let the child make up his own mind @ all ages, while I make the rules for behaviour. He won't have to believe in God, but will have to go to church [I feel like a hypocrite for saying that because I haven't gone in over a month, but that's another journal entry]. He won't have to believe that I know what I'm doing, but he'll still have to do what I say.

Eh, whatever. I'm just going to wait to see what happens.

I'd like to welcome all the newcomers to my journal. Thanks for reading.

***Covetousness***
***Eating***

***Covetousness***

Just so that you all know, I never meant anything personal with the journal entry regarding covetousness. I honestly think that it applies to all people. In fact, that's kind of the point. We would much rather think of it as something that "those people" would do, but not us. No siree, Bob. We would never do that.

But really, what is there to stop us? Covetousness is truly invisible because all we need to do is think.

I personally never want to ever get into the position where I will say to myself, "Oh, I'll never murder someone. I'll never abuse a child. I'll never treat someone unjustly.". I'd rather say, "I have responsibility to yadda yadda yadda.", & then do all that I can to live up to that responsibility.

On a side note, I understand that "covet" & its other forms can be used figuratively. For example, "I covet your prayers.". Obviously, it's pretty hard to complain about that situation. :^)

That being said, for those of us who believe in the concept of property, we have to ask ourselves, "Do I have regard for his property?", & "How do I know that I do?".

For those of us who don't believe in the concept of property, I'd like to ask you, what is there to prevent others from just taking food from the tables & fridges of others? Although I encourage you to share your techniques, I'm thinking also in terms of principles. How do we divide the food? Are all resources shared? If not, can I eat as much as I want? If not all resources are shared, then which 1s? Can the list change?

***Eating***

I think that eating is an incentive & resposibility. Every creature, except the 2 headed kinds [& you know they exist], seem to need to eat for themselves. God never bypasses our responsibility. We could choose to do whatever we want, & the incentive stays the same. It is absolute.

If I am right, then this incentive represents an independence that must be recognized in every person & animal, by every person & animal.

Are plants independent? Not that I know of. Can they be force fed? To some degree. They absorb nutrients without asking, thanking or any effort. They just sit there for the most part.

What do you all think?

***Volunteering Experience***
***Volunteering Experience With The Volunteer Coordinator Lady***
***Keyboard Repeat Rate Error Update***
***Opera Beta***

***Volunteering Experience***

Well, I went in on Tuesday, & boy was it unstructured. The guy really has no opinion on much. Therefore, I've decided to be extra careful on how I phrase things with him, & to listen extra carefully. If he even hints @ a possible suggestion, then I'll try to work with it. Normally, I'd prefer to discuss it before I work with it, but I'm concerned that he might be a little bit too accomodating. I think that the important thing to do is to let him talk--a lot. This'll help me to get an idea of what he really wants.

So, for my 1st volunteering opportunity, I thought that I'd teach them how to type. In general, I feel quite positive about it, but it does feel weird in some ways. It doesn't seem to lead to more job opportunities, but how are they going to get jobs requiring data entry if they can't type? :^/

To start off, I got them to open up a text editor. I then got them to start typing, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog". Notice that I didn't give them any punctuation? I didn't check for spelling, spacing or anything. The important thing was to get them comfortable & wanting to learn more. As the lesson progressed I got them to improve in different things, because they each had different skill levels. 1 would be better @ spelling, another would be better @ spacing, & the last didn't even know how to hold the key or not hold the key. I had to teach her that you could hold the key, or type the key which is touching it "really fast!". Just exposing them to the keyboard & giving them the basic lesson really made a drastic improvement. For example, the latter student would like this.

tttttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeee qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk bbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooowwnnn etc.

I let her go @ it for a while, until she kept complaining [politely, though] about it. After I explained it to her a couple of times, she began to type like this.

the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
etc.

I'm really proud of her. This memory brings a smile to my face as I type.

After they would reach about 7 lines, I would correct their spelling, then get them to delete 6 of the incorrect lines. They would then use the correct spelling of the remaining line for any new lines. This wasn't meant to be a spelling lesson, but it was meant to develop muscle memory of the correct spelling, so that they wouldn't become inefficient in their typing. Also, I'm quite impressed that they began to catch on as the lesson progressed. In some cases they tried new things that I never asked them to do [such as using both hands] or they asked me if I meant such 'n such. I'm really impressed.

By the end of the class, their lines were correct & well spaced, & they were typing quite a few words per minute [maybe 30?] with only 1 finger per hand. I consider this to be a vast improvement compared to typing with 1 hand. Also, 2 of them were beginning to try out the home row. Their best examples looked like this.

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
asdf
asdf
asdf
asdf
asdf

Notice the capitalization & punctuation? I'm quite proud of them.

So, the teacher & I have decided that it would be best if we divided each class into several lessons, so that there wouldn't be computer exposure just once per month. Instead, it would be XX minutes per week, which would give them a chance to refresh their memories. Also, 1 student had knuckle problems. I noticed him rubbing his knuckles near the end & making those inhaling sounds that we make when we're in pain. I asked him about it, & he said that it was hurting. So, spreading the typing time out over the month, would help to prevent his knuckles from hurting.

This teacher & I seem to be gelling really well. I'll have to be careful about what I say to other people. If I get too excited & mention some of our plans, it might scare the other workers. There's nothing illegal, but it's just that it might be unconventional. The general plans are to try different things like drama & theatre sports to help them to develop social skills. Most people would be thinking in terms of finding jobs on the internet or some such, then applying for those jobs. We want them to develop their own opportunities to make the opportunities fit their own unfortunate predicament. It's a lofty goal, isn't it? I could reveal more of our discussion, if I can remember what we discussed; I assume that none of them read my journal, & even if they did, it won't be the end of the world.

***Volunteering Experience With The Volunteer Coordinator Lady***

Wow. This deserves a whole section.

I think that I spoke with the volunteer coordinator @ least once per day, starting on Monday & ending on Friday. She was calling me so much that she even said that she was calling a lot. She's a very attractive woman who's about 2-6 years younger than me.

I don't even know where to begin, other than to say that we chatted quite a lot about non-volunteer related stuff. I'll spare you the boring details, & fast forward to Friday.

* She calls me up with another volunteer opportunity, & says something like, "Huh. I guess I just can't stop thinking about you." [this is also a subtle reference to how she tried to get me to do some computer work with their network admin; the admin wasn't interested].
* I'm stunned to hear that, so I say, "Hmm. :^)" [I put the emoticon in there to convey that I'm trying to smile over the phone].
* "blah blah blah" [I wasn't paying attention because I was still stunned; I wasn't entirely sure that she meant what I thought]
* In reference to her 1st statement, I say, "I wonder that means... :^D Just joking!".
* silence, then "...what?".
* "I mean...I mean...I meant that in reference to when you said that you can't stop thinking about me. I wonder what that means, but no, no. I'm just joking. :^)"
* [insert gagging sounds as she tries to muffle her embarrassed laughter]

I changed the topic pretty quickly. That was pretty close.

Another time that was a little less funny was on Tuesday when we were eating those nacho thingies in the staff room where you dip them in salsa & whatever. She dripped some on her skin tight skirt, which was kind of odd because she actually seemed to move into the drip which made it appear that she caught it on her clothing on purpose. I thought that it was my imagination, & I didn't even bother to check her skirt. Suddenly she says that she got some on herself. I was going to say, "Oh, here. Let me get that for you.", but I thought that I'd better behave, & decided to say, "Oh here. Let me get a napkin for you.".

She's a bad girl too. She told me how she broke the law. I was stunned, but she thought that it was funny because she was laughing. I just kept looking @ the nachos & the 7 layer dip. She told me that I couldn't tell anybody because she revealed to me what she did. I said, "Well, I make no promises." [I usually try not to make any promises, especially in legal matters].
"You can't tell anybody because I told you!"
"I make no promises."
"You can't. I already told you."
"One thing that I really appreciate about volunteering is the opportunity to blah blah blah."
"Oh, way to change the subject."
"Huh?"
"Way to change the subject."

I can't remember what we said here, but I did try to explain that I wasn't changing the subject, & that I was just trying to find something else to talk about. Yeah, I know. I know. That's changing the the subject, but the thing is that I was thinking on my feet. I eventually explained to her that I wasn't intending to report her, but that I always like to avoid making promises & to have room to wiggle. By the way, I don't think that I actually said, "One thing that I really appreciate about volunteering is the opportunity to blah blah blah.". I did say something unrelated, though.

We'll have to see what happens as far as the friendship goes. However, I don't think that anything significant will happen because she's a non-Christian. I'm pretty certain of this because of her use of numerology, which she used on me, & her blatent disregard of the law.

I'm sure that nothing intimate will happen, but even if it did, I wouldn't kiss & tell. :^/

***Keyboard Repeat Rate Error Update***

Well, I don't know what I did to fix it, but it seems that the repeat rate works okay now. I stopped playing around with the nice levels. Normally, I would adjust the processes owned by root to the worst priority. Stupid? I suppose so. Now that I stopped doing that, everything seems so much more responsive. Before I stopped messing around, I noticed that the browser would almost freeze when it was trying to load a page, but now there is no problem. Repeat rate works fine. Browser works fine. Pages load faster.

I'm happy.

***Opera Beta***

I noticed that Opera beta has fixed the cursor movement [Ctrl+Left & Ctrl+Right]. Before it used to go to the beginning & end of each word no matter what direction you went in. Now it just goes to the beginning of the next or previous word, which is what it is supposed to do. Even Ctrl+Backspace & Ctrl+Del works better because of that.

***I'm Volunteering To Teach Computers***
***Keyboard Repeat Rate Error***

***I'm Volunteering To Teach Computers***

Well, I decided to try something new. Since I have a lot of money saved up, I wanted to do some volunteer work.

I have to admit, though, that the main reason that I'm doing this is because I want to make up for things that I may done in the past. The Bible always goes on & on about how giving to the poor is lending to the Lord, or he who waters [or gives something to someone, or something like that] shall never be in want, etc.

So, I've finally said to myself, "Alright, I'll give it try.". On Sunday, I saw in the newspapers some volunteering opportunities: teaching computers to learning disabled & poor people; giving pastoral care to people in the hospital. I called both places up on Monday & it turns out that the fellow who was supposed to teach computers today, broke his leg on Sunday. The lady that I spoke to considered this a real answer to prayer [I don't know if really prayed, though], because out of the blue a guy who is MS certified calls up & volunteers. We really clicked too. It seems that we have the same type of an outlook on volunteering: be structured & don't cancel the class even if it is a few teachers to 1 student.

I'm so optimistic about this. I have to actually pull in my enthusiasm so that I don't end up wasting time. I have to keep focused on being pragmatic.

I have no idea of what I'll be teaching. I'll speak with the fellow working over me, who is supposed to be very laid back, & then try to wing it from there.

For long terms plans, I think that it would work out best if I start off unstructured with that fellow guiding me, then as the organization's strengths become clearer, I'll work towards being structured as that lady & I seem to prefer.

***Keyboard Repeat Rate Error***

Have any of you experienced a keyboard repeat rate error? You'd start typing & then letters would repeat like "thissssssssssssssssssssssss" or "bbizzba" [instead of "bizbaz"].

I'm running Gentoo, XFree86, & KDE. This doesn't happen when I run apps directly on XFree86, without KDE.

You'd know if you had what I'm talking about. Have any of you solved it?

People are doing that quiz. Here are my results.

You are water. You're not really organic; you're neither acidic nor basic, yet you're an acid and a base at the same time. You're strong willed and opinionated, but relaxed and ready to flow. So while you often seem worthless, without you, everything would just not work. People should definitely drink more of you every day.

I'm in another rush. I'm not going to proof read this very much either.

***Eating***

Have you ever noticed that God required us to eat, even in the garden of Eden? Never in the Bible does he try to break that rule. Sure, people starve to death all the time, but haven't you noticed that if he wants us to survive, he'll provide food through normal means or miraculous means, but he won't make us automatically survive? I just found that so interesting.

When Elijah wanted to die, & passed out through exhaustion, the angel fed him bread & water.

When Elijah was in hiding he ate bread & meat, & drank water. That isn't the most rounded diet.

When Obadiah hid the prophets, he fed them bread & water.

When the Israelites were in the desert they ate manna.

Jesus fed the 5000 & 4000.

In all these situations, we have no idea of what nutritional requirements @ those times, & we also know that God could have gave them energy miraculously, but he didn't. He instead chose to give the food miraculously.

I find that very interesting. This is just further evidence that the garden of Eden was the standard that we should work towards. Obviously, things are different now, but certainly God wants us to move towards that ideal.

What do you think?

***Drawing***

I've been having a difficult time sleeping, so I decided to try drawing. I found that it actually soothes me a lot.

I usually try to draw people without looking @ pictures. So, I'm literally drawing made up faces. I marvel @ how difficult it is to accurately draw a person, especially @ an angle.

1 thing is for sure, though, I begin to really appreciate the curves of the body. I'm not referring to anything below the neck, although it does apply. I usually only draw above the neck.

I find it to be such a challenge to accurately portray a human being, but I don't mind these challenges @ all.

How many of you draw, or paint, or create some other art? What do you like to capture?

I'd show you what I got, but I don't have access to a camera or a scanner @ this point in time, plus you aren't missing much. I just enjoy it. I'm not great @ it.

Due to the advice of everybody, I set up a journal for logging all of my migrane data. You shouldn't need to bookmark the link. I have put it in that /. user bio box in the top right of your screen.

I figured that after a while it will get mundane & repetitive. To make it easier for you all, & to make it easier for searching through the migrane stuff, I decided to put the migrane stuff in a seperate journal. I chose that particular place simply because it is there from long time ago. All I remember is signing up because some stranger invited me & it looked it exciting. Eh, whatever.

In short, you won't see anymore migrane stuff unless & I need your advice, unless I forget what I planned, or unless I have something that I thought you'd be interested in.

Thanks for all your help.

I'm too tired to do a journal entry like I usually do, so I'm just going to write it all in here. I'll do a minimal amount of proof reading & spel chekin. :^)

So, let's see.

Here's the previous journal entry to refresh your minds.

The illness before that, documented 2 journal entries before this, was probably just coincidental to the headache. That headache was probably a migrane as well.

In both circumstances, I was getting ready for bed early in the morning. It was around 4am, the 1st time around, & around 3:30am, the 2nd time around. In both circumstances, it basically went away after about 12 hours.

From now on, I'm going to try to avoid as much stress & possible. If I feel tension in my head, as I have in the last few days, then I'm going to stop what I'm doing, & just relax, & try not to think about work, people, relationships, etc. So far, it seems to be okay. I'll always keep the Tylenol 3's by my bedside, but for the most part, I'm going to avoid as much of it as possible. I'm going to try the over the counter stuff that you all recommended in the last journal entry.

By the way, thanks for the advice. I appreciate having an excuse to drink pop, & to pop some pills in my mouth. ;^) I usually don't drink pop [gotta to be healthy, you know :^)], or take any other caffinated beverages. I also try to avoid medicines & pills.

So, let's see where are we? Oh, yeah; the hospital. As I said in the previous journal entry, I had to get a ride to the hospital. I really wanted to wait till morning, but this time there was no mercy. My head was killing me, & these headaches were just different than they usually were. Thus I didn't want to chance it. I thought that something might be leaking in my head & causing pressure. After all, I could feel a painful pulse in my head. What else could it be? I never learnt much about migranes, & just assumed that they were painful headaches that were constant in the amount of pain.

On the way to the hospital, I never noticed so many red lights in my entire life. Usually, I try take to life @ a slow pace. So, even though I won't try to catch red lights on purpose, I'm not going to make a big stink about them. This time was different. I hate my city for red lights in the middle of the night. It's not as if we can't leave them as blinking yellows @ night. Calgary sets them as blinking reds. Anyways, I could see my mom debating in her head about running those red lights. I was crying in agony, but I didn't want to make a big stink about it. I didn't want to disobey the law. Am I crazy? I hope not.

So, we arrive @ the hospital. I'll never forget this. My head is ready to explode. I run in. I stare @ the signs & try to figure out what to do. I'm supposed to report to the triage nurse.

The triage nurse calmly asks, "What's the matter?" [or some such thing].

I say, "Blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah!" [okay, not literally, but I explain my situation very frantically; I'm leaning forward; I'm moving my hands all over]

"Alright, would please sit over there till I'm done with her?". I could have strangled her for saying that. I'm in pain here, & she wants me to sit down.

So, I sat down. Yeah, I felt like I was going to die, but I hate it when people cut in line. :^) It's true. In hind sight, it's just as well, as far as I can tell. I suspect that they wouldn't have been able to do anything about it anyways. I would have appreciated some cool drugs, though. Ever since I had these headaches, I've been so much more open to drugs & pills. Go figure. :^)

So, I'm sitting there, & just moving my all over in agony. I dig my fingers into the arm rests. I hold my head with my arms. I do just about anything to pass time & avoid the pain. I must have looked pretty stupid. The thing that annoyed me in all of this was the fact that woman speaking to the triage nurse didn't seem to be in pain or in desperate need. It really bothered me that they couldn't drop what they were doing for less than a minute just to alleviate my pain. It bothers me so much that I try to go through life giving up of myself just to help others, & here they were discussing non-emergency stuff. @ least it appeared to be non-emergency stuff.

Eventually, she gets to me & starts asking stereotypical questions [where? when? how long? etc.], took my temperature, etc. That's all fine. I'm in extreme pain, but whatever. She checks @ the back, & she says that I can have "that bed" as soon a lady is finished making it.

When I get there, the lady says, "Are you sleeping here?".

I say, "I don't know!", & just climb on. It makes me laugh till this day. Each time I think back, I get concerned that I might have come across as rude. I wasn't trying to be. I wanted to give her space to do her work, & I wanted to be thankful. I honestly didn't know if I would be sleeping over night. This was all just too new to me.

After that, it was more of the same [what? when? how long? temperature? ears? eyes?], plus take off clothes & get into hospital gown. I personally think that hospital gowns are lame. I still have no idea of how to put them on. They are getting better from what I can tell.

Another few more hours of pain in the hospital bed. There was only 1 doctor for the emergency ward all night long. Ouch. People cut in line because they were bleeding, & other stuff.

A nurse put me on IV, which I think was a bit much, but whatever. It didn't hurt that much. Whatever drugs they filled me with near the beginning didn't help much or @ all. 1 neat thing was a shot of morphine.

Doctor came & asked me the same questions as far as I can tell, & got them to do some kind of head scan [cat scan?] & to get some of my spinal fluid [spinal tap?].

Later on, I'm about to walk into the waiting room to get some magazines, when an attractive nurse tells me to wait, so that she can give me a shot of morphine. I didn't think much of it, other than the idea that it seems like more delays. So I sit down on the foot of my bed, & wait. She tells me that I might want to lie down & that I'll feel it right away. Eh, whatever. I sit down. She injects it into the iv. I feel a light buzz. Hmm, interesting. A smile must have appeared on my face, because she asked me if I could feel it. I say, "Yeah, I think so.". So, I sit for a while longer. There's still a headache, but I feel so furry inside. She asks me how it feels. "Very interesting.", I say. I keep thinking over & over, "This is so interesting.". Since I don't expect to feel this good ever again, I decided to skip the magazines in the waiting room. I chose instead to lie down. Wow. It felt so good @ that point in time, that I'm smiling right now as I think about. Hmm, I'm so furry inside! I kept thinking about that scene in Saving Private Ryan.

"Okay! Okay! What can we do for you?"
"You can give me a shot of morphine..."

I can't blame him. If it weren't illegal, & I had the money, I'd shoot up every day, during work. Morphine makes hospital visits fun!

So, eventually I got the head scan & the spinal thing. Actually, the head scan probably might have come before the morphine, but whatever.

The head scan wasn't all that serious. They just stick your head in a tube thingy & tell you not to look @ the light & to not move. The light was only @ the beginning & not during the actual scan.

The spinal thingy was freaking me out. I wasn't making a big stink about it, but I was really wondering how painful this would be. This was being done by a different doctor than the 1 who ordered the procedure. It turns out that if they didn't tell me what was happening, then I wouldn't have had the foggiest idea until I found the bandage on my back. Basically, they used a small needle about 1-2 millimeters long, & numbed my back on 2 close spots. You could barely feel it. It was like an itch. When they stuck the tool in my spine, I wasn't even aware of it. I could feel someone pushing in the general area, but nothing sharp. It was amazing. They took 4 samples. Each of them were very clear liquids. They were very clear even for a healthy person.

It took the doctor almost an hour to get back to me to give me a dianosis, or in this case to say that nothing was wrong.

After that, it was basically waiting to get the iv removed, bus home, feel motion sickness on the bus, buy perscription pain killers, bus home, feel motion sickness, walk home, surprise parents [they were expecting me to call for a ride; it didn't quite occur to me; I really should have called to give them an update, though], get ready for bed [because I felt so sick for some reason], go to bed.

Since then, I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back in order. Staying in the hospital bed was difficult because I was half asleep & half awake from the brain pain. For Saturday night, I just stayed in bed all night long. I slept in till Sunday, & missed church. I missed guitar lesson on Tuesday for feeling sick. This whole week can be summarized as sleep, work 4-8 hours per day, eat, & sleep. Last night, I sleep for about 14 hours [with a short bathroom break] & I still feel sick & tired.

I'm off to see the doctor tomorrow. I'm wondering if I have got too much stress. I honestly find myself feeling very, very emotionally depressed. I feel like I've got a dead end job. I feel like I'll never accomplish anything. I feel like I'm never going to have any meaningful relationships. It's all so sad. Every person in my generation has not had any meaningful relationship, or has had relationships that are so out of God's will, that even all of you would disapprove. How sad.

On a very unrelated note, I managed to chat up the nurses a bit. It's interesting how people are willing to share when they can relate to you or they think that you can relate to them. It's hard not to listen into their conversations when you're stuck in bed, & they're talking right @ the foot of your bed. They stopped talking, & they looked @ me, & I chuckled because I was caught red handed listening in. I can't hear very well, but 2 things clued me into the idea that nurse #1 was complaining about management: nurse #1's facial expressions; nurse #2's comment, "Be a duck. Be a duck. You have to pick your battles.". Knowing when to pick battles applies to dealing with customers, patients, management, & everybody else in this world, but I suspected that it was about management because nurse #1 appeared mature enough that she wouldn't be complaining about patients. I believe that it takes a different type of maturity to deal with customers & patients than it does managers. Managers are a whole different type of pain in the neck. :^)

Disclaimer: my memory is foggy; the following discussion is only "relatively correct". :^)

Since nurse #2 was the only 1 looking @ me, I said to her, something like, "Management problems?".
Nurse #2"Yep."; by now, nurse #1 was looking @ me too; so, I had to think fast.
Me: "Yeah, I know managers can be a real pain.".
Nurse #1: "You had management problems? Where?"
Me: "Well, I worked @ Grand & Toy, a shoe store, stocking shelves @ a grocery store.". I began to tell them my story. I don't recall them giving any private details, which I appreciate, because it's not fair to the other person, & it's not something that I'm involved in.

However, I got to talking with nurse #1 about her preferred career & how this was something that she did just because she needed to. She told me where she came from, what he husband does for work. She even told me that she was planning on quitting in about 6 months. I thought that that was amazing that she would share that kind of information. I shared with her a bit about myself, etc. It was very refreshing that we could talk eye to eye about things. No advice was given, as far as I can recall. It was more of a "You? Me too!!!" type of conversation.

I have mentioned several times the idea of a rhythm in the conversation. Experts tell us to be ourselves as if that is all. They are probably too skilled to realize that there is much more that goes into a good relationship & good conversation. The conversation between me & the nurses would never have happened if I hadn't shared something that they believed to be similar. In this case, the similar things were stupid middle management looking over our shoulders & complaining about us. Nurse #1 & I happen to believe that it's best to give people room to make mistakes. I'll go so far as to say that in a perfect world, you're still not getting all that you want. You're still not get getting your cake & eating it too. She obviously liked that because she chatted with me, when she should have been working.

As for those of you who are skilled in dealing with people, well, I'm sad to make you read the last bit. You could have saved time by not reading it, but my head hurts, & I'm too lazy to go back & warn you. Besides, going back & changing a journal entry would be like changing the journal continuum. I can't explain it but has some thing to do with killing old people when they're young, & not being born, or some such thing.

I hope you enjoyed this. I'm going quit while my head isn't hurt @ full blast.

Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think about pretty nurse. Think about morphine. Think happy thoughts.

***Opera Bug***

Did you notice a bug in Opera, regarding the Verdana font?

I'm going to submit the bug soon. If you have comments, then please share.

***Hospital & Headache***

I spent approx. 12 hours [4am-4pm] in the hospital. The headache was so painful, that I woke my parents up for a ride to the hosipital. I was crying part of the time because it was that painful. I was scared, not because of death. That didn't occur to me that much. It was more to do with the pain. I was scared of the pain.

I feel another head ache coming on. It's time to rest again. I'll tell you more later.

I'm glad to see that some of you were having a mediocre weekend or better. :^)

Oh, I almost forgot. The doctor said that it all looked fine, & thus was probably a migrane.

I'm going to try to live healthier & be less stressful.

So, we can write journal entries, but not reply? Okay...

***To Taco: Baby Good; Bath Water Bad***
***To btlzu2: Book Review & Catholicism; Your Nick Name***
***To mskfisher: I'm Glad That You Had A Good Birthday***
***I Was Sick On Tuesday***

***To Taco: Baby Good; Bath Water Bad***

Dear Taco,

When we told you to fix the 503 errors, we didn't mean to shut the entire site down. Please don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

***To btlzu2: Book Review & Catholicism; Your Nick Name***

1 of the church activities that I attended this summer was a 4 day writing class. It was being run by an accomplished writer & an up & coming writer. I don't know how they defined "accomplished", but that's what I was told. The accomplished teacher said that the book wasn't very well written in any manner. She said that the only reason that it sold was because of the conspiracies. Everybody seems to like conspiracies. I know I do. I don't know how correct she is in her statements. I just mention this as a thought for us. I honestly don't know what to believe.

Regarding the Catholic traditions & doctrines, etc., as I read your journal entry, I began to realize that Roman Catholicism seems to have more rules & traditions than the Old Testament has laws. Now, don't get me wrong. I want to leave room for rules & laws. I even encourage everybody to make as many of them as possible. However, when our doctrine [especially regarding spirituality, sin, salvation, sacraments, etc.] begins to be more complex than the Old Testament, then we really have to stop & check our math. The New Testament is supposed to be characterized by less laws [ie: no sacrifices; no circumcision; all foods are clean; etc.].

I guess my view of laws is very comparable to computing. Nobody should stop you if you want to write 1 chunk of software to be your kernel, file system driver, TCP/IP stack, & web browser, etc., but it should be recognized that reusing code & drivers is a good thing. Making 1 simple law based on scripture to give you direct access to God is a good thing, but it should be recognized that having someone help you get access to God is a good thing. Problems start to arise when we start saying, "No, you can't program your own TCP/IP stack. Non-official programs won't work.". Problems start to arise when we start saying, "No, you can't talk to God. You're too evil. Only priests are good enough.". The good kind of attitude is like a crutch that helps us move forward. Which 1 of us isn't handicapped? The bad kind is a hinderance. If we can walk, then why force ourselves to use a crutch on a regular basis?

In short, I agree with your sentiment. I have no opinion regarding the history & the details, because I'm not a historian.

Also, how did you get your nick name? I ask because I always misspell it in my mind, & I hope to have a way of remembering the correct the spelling. I keep thinking "bzlt2" or something like that.

***To mskfisher: I'm Glad That You Had A Good Birthday***

Volunteered @ the Luis Palau Festival? Interesting. It sounds like you had a good birthday.

Thanks for asking. :)

You're welcome! :^)

Sinning the night before your birthday then making up for it during your birthday sounds very creative. I still prefer Technolust's way doing things, though: get drunk the night before, & start picking up chicks the same night before. This way you could skip all that volunteer work, & so on. ;^)

Seriously volunteering on a birthday sounds interesting. I might try it 1 day.

***To Oculus: Interesting***

I'm surprised that there is yet another set of primary colours. I heard of the 2nd set, but a set just for pigment? I find it hard to wrap my head around it.

Also, short phrases & sentences do seem to be easier to remember. I must say though, I forgot a lot of what you said. :^/

***I Was Sick On Tuesday***

I had this strange illness around 4am on Tuesday. It lasted for about 12 hours. This might be kind of gross in the same manner that Sam's journal entries might be. So you might want to skip. I'll try to keep it clean, though.

I was feeling pretty good up till then, when all of a sudden I had to go to the bath room. I went, only to find out that I had something very watery. It might have been diareah [wrong spelling for sure, but I don't know where to find the correct spelling because this is just too far off for the dictionary that I use], but I think that it wasn't quite watery enough. Anyways, before I even got off the toilet, I started feeling sick. I knew that I was going to vomit. So I quickly got up, flushed, & aimed for the sink. Luckily, it was all well chewed & partially digested. Otherwise it would have plugged the sink for sure. Before I was completely done there, I ended up needing the toilet again. This time it was much closer to diareah. There even appeared to be mucus.

I have never experienced anything like that. It was the most bizarre experience that I have ever had. But it's not over. The gross part is over, but the worst is yet to come. While I was last on the toilet, my head started throbbing very painfully. It was so painful that I almost screamed & fell over. I really had to resist the pain, & finish up. I quickly cleaned up the sink, headed to my room & tried to go to sleep. It was quite impossible, though.

It was so painful, that I was rolling around in my bed back & forth, trying to do anything to stop it. The only 2 things that helped were reducing the blood pressure in my head & increasing it. I came up with that idea because I recognized that these throbbing pains came in a frequency similar to that of a pulse.

Therefore to reduce the pressure, I exhaled as much as possible, closed my mouth, closed off my nose @ the back of the mouth [the same thing that you do when you swim], then tried to push out my tummy. The idea is to increase the volume in the belly to pull blood from the extremities. This only seemed to work for so long, so I had to try something else. I tried the opposite. I inhaled as much as possible, closed my mouth, closed off my nose @ the back of the mouth, then tried to push in my tummy. The idea is to decrease the space in the belly to push blood to the extremities. There was so much blood in my head, that I could feel the swelling along my face, just by touching it with my hand. That's how desperate I was to relieve the pain. This only seemed to work for so long, so I began to alternate back & forth.

I can't remember all the details, but that was basically it. It was basically over in 12 hours. I honestly thought I was going to die.

...mskfisher & SamTheButcher. I hope that you both have a good day. Let use know how the day went.