i like my therapist. she gives me homework assignments. this week's assignment has been to take with me a little tin box that contains something that has a distinctive scent to it. throughout the day i'm supposed take a minute, small the contents, without worrying what it is, and then carefully concentrate on how that scent makes me feel, what it reminds me of, i then scribble that down.
today's was interesting. i'm pretty sure it was a tea bag. reminded me of winter, a warm feeling actually.
so, why all of this, what i'm sure sounds like a load of new-age hooey? it actually makes sense from a physiological perspective as well as an emotional one.
one of the problems we have discovered is that i have taught myself to disconnect my mind from my body, not quite like a dissociative or depersonalization disorder, to a lesser extent. why? well, its actually a very common coping mechanism for kids and teenagers who grew up dealing with trauma and abuse. if you can disconnect yourself, then you free yourself. its pretty simple really.
i mean, this is one of the reasons, and i've discussed this at length with my therapist (who is actually a psychiatric nurse) that i gravitated to krishna consciousness when it comes to spirituality -- kc basically stipulates that we are not our bodies, that our bodies are not temples, they are just material... a vessel. this always made sense to me, because that is how i always felt.
i never was comfortable in my body, and had a considerable amount of impatience for those who spent huge amounts of time and money on such material persuits.
as i've gotten older and started this process of healing and coping, in a more productive manner, with all of the trauma of my past, the feeling of being disconnected has grown stronger to the point where it now bothers me. i don't want to be disconnected. i don't need to disconnect, to free myself, lift me away from the abuse, the trauma and anxiety because all of those conditions that created that are gone.
we talked about talked about the concept of hedonism, she wanted to take me to the "other end" of the spectrum. i got very impatient, and basically said i have contempt for the concept, and i got more angry thinking about it. she thought that was quite interesting and after chatting about it, she said that through my teaching myself to deny, to restrict and disconnect, i've built a major block to finding a middle ground.
this is where the sniffy box comes into play. scent, as most everyone knows, is possibly the strongest trigger for calling up stored memories. the *only* memories i have associated with scent are those of hospitals, and death. right now, i can smell it. i do not have any positive associations with scent memories. so, the idea is to engage in this exercise, which re-enforces positive memory triggers, it also will help me feel more connected to my body, my phsyical being, which, the idea goes, will lower my anxiety and stop the negative feedback loops that get so bloody loud.
i have a sniffy box (i coined the term)! my therapist said to not use anything like alcohol or peroxide, anything that could trigger the negative memories. solemn has been the one to find the object to put in the box, and they've been great. we've made it a game. i not only have to figure out how it makes me feel but also identify what it is, which trust me, is very difficult.
one of the first ones this week was a small piece of plastic bag dipped in this hair product solemn uses, and had in her hair the first time we met. i couldn't figure out what it was, but it actually triggered a happy memory (the autumn, leaves, warmth, and friends).
i like this exercise. it makes me think and be present, all important ingredients for being more connected.
what do you do to stay connected?