Hm. So last night's evacuation of 20,000 or so people from Birmingham turns out to have been a false alarm, it seems - but one of the "suspicious packages" included "a box with wires hanging out and a switch on top". A genuine accident, given the timing and the box's appearance? That seems unlikely - more likely, someone is trying to cause "false" alarms like this. Last night, just two days after Thursday's attack on London, of course everyone took it seriously - will they react as well the third time in a row? Then a genuine one, and recriminations for not taking that warning seriously as well...

In a sense - if it was deliberate - last night was a successful attack, and very economical too: not an ounce of explosives, not one shred of incriminating evidence (just some guys carrying backpacks on a bus, then 'forgetting' them when they get off) - yet it caused huge disruption to people's lives, economic harm: a very effective DoS.

Manipulating warnings of a terrorist attack is nothing new, of course; the IRA did so in the Omagh bombing, phoning in a last-minute warning to evacuate the other end of the target street, resulting in people being rushed towards the actual bomb.

Uh-oh. Something bad about to happen? A hoax? Something bad prevented from happening? Presumably we'll find out soon...

Update: More comprehensive article here.

• If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
• Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
• For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
• A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
• Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

As I type this, one of history's less popular weddings is imminent, with a rather small crowd of spectators lurking outside. Quite a few are waving small flags (mostly British, one of them American!) - and there's a large Union Flag draped over one of the barriers keeping the crowd off the road. Unfortunately, it is the wrong way up - traditionally a sign of distress, although probably accidental in this case.

...ians!

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.

He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin. Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.

As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"

In a similar vein, I like three shorted versions: "The good news? There are 72 virgins here. The bad news? They stay that way...", "the bad news is, there's a reason they're still virgins" and "Hey, I never said they'd be female virgins!"

After seeing a few other people doing the same, I thought it was about time to clear up the /my/friends page. I can't even remember why I added some of those entries (the guy who has only ever made two comments, both on front-page stories, and no JEs*?!), some have gone dormant (SuiteSisterMary, SlashChick having moved to her own blog, LadyGuardian). It's taking rather longer than I expected - and seems to have slowed down after a while (greater traffic as the West Coast wakes up?) Now I see Chacham's point about the limitations of Slashcode's zoo interface...

* - Guess - perhaps I friended him after posts in a JE someone then deleted?

spell your name backwards: eman ruoy
have you ever had a song written about you: nope
what song makes you cry: nope
what song makes you happy: varies; The Beach by Raymond Wave, but since mp3.com's demise I can't find a copy
what's your all time fav. song? varies
what do you listen to before you go to sleep: random chunks of XMMS playlist, currently Phil Collins and a mix of other tracks
height: just long enough to reach from my head to the ground, which is quite useful.
hair color: brown
piercings: my gaze?

r i g h t _ n o w . . .

what color pants are you wearing: dark blue
what song are you listening to: Jean Michel Jarre - Aero
what taste is in your mouth?: cheese
whats the weather like?: cold, dark
how are you?: alive, last time I checked
get motion sickness?: no
have a bad habit?: remembering virtually everything, except things which are useful...
get along with your parents?: only when on different continents, mostly
boyfriend/girlfriend: the latter, please.
have a current crush: um... nobody specific.
have a big regret: regret is a part of being alive - but keep it a small part

f a v o u r i t e . . .

tv show: 24
conditioner: don't use them
book: whatever I'm reading at the time, really
non alchohol drink: root beer or Pepsi (Max/One)
alchohol drink: port or vodka
things to do on the weekend: sleep, laundry, read, listen to music, catch up on news

h a v e _ you _ e v e r . . .

broken the law: No, besides ITAR and some age limits
ever gone skinny dipping: no
made a prank phone call: no
tipped over a port-a-potty: no
use your parents credit card: Only with permission
skipped school: no
had a boyfriend/girlfriend: sort of
had children: not unless that memory gap's bigger than I thought, although it might explain a few things
been in love: yes
have a hard time getting over someone: yes
gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days: something like that

r a n d o m . . .

have a job: have been known to babysit big servers for currency
if you were a crayon, what color would you be?: striped
what makes you happy?: Power. Or good company and/or interesting experiences.
the next CD you're going to buy: don't know yet

w h e n _ was _ t h e _ last _ t i m e . . .

got an email: within the last few minutes
thing you purchased: food

w h a t _ comes _ t o _ mind . . .

car: bon
murder: of crows
cape: Kennedy
penis: spam
cell: nucleus
shoe: print
fun: da mental
crush: Jennifer Paige
music: band
chalk: outline

n u m b e r . . . :

of girls you have kissed: not enough
of boys you have kissed: none, which is enough

d o _ you _ t h i n k _ you _ a r e . . . :

pretty: no comment
funny: sometimes
hot: no, it's winter and the heating's a little weird
friendly: yes, but picky about my friends

f a v o u r i t e . . . :

flower: self-raising
summer/winter: winter

h a v e _ you _ e v e r

said i love you and meant it: no
kept a secret from everyone: of course
been to new york: the state, but not the city (yet)
to california: not yet

w h e n _ was:

last cigarette: four or five years ago, on the second of the two nights I smoked them
last cry: a long long time ago, in a gal - er, quite a while ago.
last book read: A Charles King novel, Mama's Boy.
last curse word uttered: All of them at once.
last beverage drank: coffee, about twenty minutes ago
last food consumed: dinner - a chicken casserole, followed by cheesecake
last phone call: probably my mother
showered: bath earlier today, shower yesterday
last shoes worn: plain black
last cd played: The Best Of Clannad, in the car; at home, I play MP3s
last thing written: security tool for Linux
last word spoken: dryer
last sleep: about 15 hours ago I think
last im: earlier today, with a friend from California doing a postgrad degree near here
sexual fantasy: varies
last ice cream eaten: vanilla, weeks ago
last time wanting to die: not recently

SIGNS THAT MAY LEAD TO MISUNDERSTANDING. OR, MAY NOT!

In a restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR (WHO?)

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

The Dead Documents Sketch

BLOGGER: I wish to complain about these documents you palmed off on your shrinking but credulous audience last week.

RATHER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Bush Guard memos. They are full of accurate facts.... What's,uh... What's wrong with them?

BLOGGER: I'll tell you what's wrong with them, Dan. They're forgeries, that's what's wrong with them!

RATHER: No, no, they're just pretending to be forgeries. They contain accurate facts vetted by all experts we could find that agree with me.

BLOGGER: Look, "Kenneth", I know a forgery when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

RATHER: No no they're not forged because they're accurate! Remarkable set of facts, aren't they. Best I've ever made.

BLOGGER: The "facts" don't enter into it. Forged facts forfiet their factualness.

RATHER: Nononono, no, no! They're accurate in the facts from our carefully checked but secret sources! I know they're true because I've reviewed the tapes of myself claiming they're true.

BLOGGER: Look, I took the liberty of examining those tapes when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason you claimed they were true was the fact they'd been NAILED to your head.

(pause)

RATHER: Well, o'course they was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed them to my head, I would have forgotten where I got them from in the first place. Nailed or not, they'll still fly. They'll still Voooooooom!

BLOGGER: "VOOM"?!? Mate, these documents wouldn't "voom" if you strapped four million frothing moonbats on them! They've been trying that over on Kos for days and there is no lift-off. These documents is bleedin' demised!

RATHER: No no! Don't you understand? They're ACCURATE even if they're FAKE! They're pining for a Democratic Administration. Which makes them TRUE LIES.

BLOGGER: 'They're not pining! They're passed on! These documents are no more! They have ceased to be! They've expired and gone to meet their maker! ... Speaking of which... They're a set of stiffs! Bereft of truth, they're a pack of lies! If you hadn't nailed them to your forehead on national television, they'd be compost in a New Jersey landfill next to Jimmy Hoffa. These documents are pushing up the daisies! Their hopes of altering our national election are now 'istory! They and you are off the twig! They have kicked the bucket, shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain on your career and joined the Hitler Diaries!! THESE ARE EX-DOCUMENTS!!

(pause)

RATHER: Well, I'd better replace them with another set of true lies I whipped up on my old Selectric over the weekend. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry Blogger, I've had a look 'round the back of CBS News, and uh, we're right out of forged documents with accurate facts.

BLOGGER: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Rather: I got a John Kerry.

(pause)

BLOGGER: Pray, does it talk?

RATHER: Not to the press.

http://www.americandigest.org/mt-archives/002177.php

Somehow, a Gmail invite has managed to make its way into my (unused!) Gmail inbox - anyone interested?

Here. I found a paper copy in a bookstore on Saturday, but it seemed too expensive for a slim paperback; the online version is 100% cheaper :)

Fascinating reading, particularly when it traces the origins of the US-Europe divide; the conclusion may come as a surprise (or nasty shock) to some...

Well, I posted one as a reply to Ethelred's JE on the subject, but since people seem to be doing their own JEs for the purposes, here's mine. Those of us who can't stand Shatner will no doubt be delighted to learn I've moved on to a better work of science fiction, O'Reilly's "Practical C++ Programming". Unfortunately, page 23 contains only two illustrations, but page 24 offers:

Click on OK to return to the main window.

Well... it's an improvement on Shatner, but not really a gripping page-turner. Trying again, I hit Dale Brown's Deception Point (described by the Washington Post as "unputdownable", apparently), which yields:

Senator Sexton exploded in laughter, defusing the question instantly.

Progress. Finally, Michael Drosnin's The Bible Code 2 turns up this gem:

I am not religious, and I do not believe in God.

Which might, one would think, make him a strange person to dedicate years to studying the text of the Bible on the assumption some higher power had embedded a secret message in it...

ICBM Upgrades

As part of America's treaty obligations, the 23 remaining Peacekeeper ICBMs (which entered service in 1986) are to be retired, replaced by upgraded older Minuteman missiles. As part of the upgrades, the three existing warheads are being replaced by a single slightly larger one (per treaty requirements), and the motors are being replaced too.

Impressively, a 33-year-old Minuteman I motor still performed perfectly when test-fired. Bizarrely, however, the new motors have to comply with EPA regulations; given the nature of the payload being delivered, worrying about the emissions from the launch vehicle seems rather silly...

What do you do when politicians decide they'd rather obey the wishes of their labor cartel backers and keep 60 acres of wasteland as a barren expanse of concrete than offer their subjects a choice and gain 1,000 jobs?

Fortunately, being California, the voters get a say in the matter. Unfortunately, being the US, special interest groups can sometimes use the courts to force their agenda on the public anyway. Which will win this time?

Britain's new defense policy, including a further round of massive cuts, can be reduced to one sentence: "We are the 51st State" - or, as Geoff Hoon phrased it, it is "inconceivable" that we would be operating independently of the US at any point. Sadly, the foreign policy is a little less clear; Blair's agenda still seems to involve remaining part of the expanding Peon Empire. While I always welcome closer ties with the US, there is the small problem of the Falklands; last time the British military was gutted, Argentina decided to do an EU and expand, resulting in a painful and expensive conflict - in which Britain was entirely alone. (Note to those with poor command of the English language: that is a case of "unilateral" action; dozens of nations removing the Hitler clone from Baghdad over opposition from his arms suppliers is not.) Would the US be willing to help us this time round? Would the "EU Rapid Reaction Force" be able or willing to do anything?

On more positive notes, France has sacked Dominique de Villepin, probably the single figure most responsible for damage to France's relations with the developed world alongside Chirac, their soon-to-be-ex-President; the replacement is making repairing the damage to foreign relations a priority.

Speaking of damage to France, their economy seems to be recovering, albeit slowly; Germany is not so lucky, having slipped to being the 5th poorest EU subject, which may explain their enthusiasm for adding ten poorer countries: suddenly they'll be back in the middle of the pack - for now.