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Quickies

Medium Rare Quickies 178

Posted by CmdrTaco
from the with-a-side-order-of-fries dept.
Let's start this off with some Microsoft parodies: Polo pointed us to a version of office2000 that many Slashdotters might prefer to the Microsoft version. Lexie (ask out CowboyNeal!) sent us a Microsoft Monopoly that you probably won't see in stores. G. Crisp sent us a Lego Penguin: proof that someone has both too much spare time, and too many legos. An anonymous reader noted that you can get AccuWeather®5-Day Forecast for AREA 51. Forecast calls for black helecopters and Gillian Anderson. witten sent us a random Jon Katz story generator called (not surprisingly) Katzdot. While we're on the subject of Slashdot, it's worth nothing that ThinkGeek is now carrying new Slashdot T-Shirts. Of course personally I'd prefer the 'Kernel Panic' shot glasses, but then again, I've had a pretty long week. dayeight sent us something that is pretty indescribible. It involves video games, but presumably it also involved some sort of illegal substances too. I think its a metaphor for something. How about a few 'True Stories' to brighten up your day (no I'm not talking about zany Talking Heads movies). First zentropy sent us what seems to be a true story about why sports and Taco Bell just don't mix. An anonymous reader showed us a woman who is trying to get workers comp from her employer since she got carpal tunnel... her job involves phones, but it wasn't dialing them that caused the *ahem* injury.
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Medium Rare Quickies

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  • by Issue9mm (97360) on Thursday December 02, 1999 @02:38PM (#1485609)
    Actually, the T-Shirts are pretty nice. I was going to pick up one of the fleeces, but according to ThinkGeek, there is No back on this one".

    Now, maybe it's just me, but if it doesn't COME with a back, then I'd like the option to be able to purchase one seperately, or at least bundled.

    Sheesh, as bad as I felt when I bought my HP DeskJet and it didn't come with a printer cable, I'm glad I saw this one early. Or I'd be REALLY pissed.

  • by Anonymous Coward
    Wow, a RSI. I was told that if did that type of thing that you would go blind. And BTW, duh, switch hands.

    I was going to make a very snide remark about why does this story constitute news for nerds. But, then I thought about it and realized that I guess CmdrTaco thought that it was something that we could relate to.:-) I also why this was posted up Quickies?

    Is that hair gel?


  • The Techno-Hellmouth Effect: First Blood

    I made my whole office look at me when I laughed...
  • Leenix or Lihnux, sure. But Loonux? :)

    About the pronunciation, Linus has the definitive word [linux.org] on that, I'm sure.

    Unrelated, I, too, have from time to time a mild form of RSI, which I always attributed to my work, combined with hobbying at home behind my own computer. Now I'm getting afraid, that would it come to real harm, I'll have to answer slightly embarrassing questions about my imaginary love-life. Pictures in my mind: "And, sir, how often would you say you resort to take matters in your own hand, eh?" and then getting my claim revoked. That does not bear thinking about.

    Mazur
    --
    Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages. -- Terry Pratchett in "Wyrd Sisters".

  • I'm afraid that 'Legos' is the common usage in the US, and so universal that I see no chance of it changing.

    Strangely, this was the linguistic difference that I found most disturbing whilest living in America, although the crisps/chips/fries and tram/trolley/shopping-cart contortions were more confusing.
  • thanks! I'll use that one on new years
  • I like how the X-forecast has other locations in the US, one of them being MARS, PA.. That's about 8 miles from where I live.
  • That Katzdot headline generator is good for a laugh, but I was hoping it would actually write an article. You know, like Pakin's automatic complaint letter generator. Oh well.

    --
    grappler
  • Where can i get a Kernel Panic shot glass?
  • by Anonymous Coward
    Hmm, I'm wandering exactly how this is physically possible? I mean, he'd have to have the damn thing jammed between the seat and the bowl to start with, wouldn't he? Now I'm curious - I'll have to try this out for myself when I get home...
  • I wonder how much he could sell it for. A 25 inch lego linux penguin must go for something.

    Lego my penguin!

  • Once you hit the power button, you just can't stop hitting it... :)
  • Why would anybody want so much of this blowhard?

  • Well, Y2K (for the ignorant this is Year 2000) is almost upon us. It has been a problem for many and we should learn from it. By this I mean the not-so-notorious Y10K problem, the now four digit years will not work in the year 10000.

    You may think that it is much to early to think about it. It is impossible that 20th century programs would be used in the year 10000, right? Just like programs from the 70's would not be used in the year 2000...

    Now do you see what I mean? We have to learn from our bidigit mistakes and make sure that 8000 years from now it will not happen again.

  • I don't get it. It all looks pretty confusing. Like a giant mish-mesh to me!

  • Is it just me, or is that site just asking to be hammered? Fortunately the pages are small, but come on.. Once you click, you just can't stop reloading the pages.. A virtually unlimited supply of Katz. Who could ask for more?
  • Who could resist such great stories as

    The Hellmouth: Roadmap to Success
    Feature: The Internet
    Why Do Troubled Teens Learn?

    and my personal favorite

    It's Time For TV

    Maybe Katz could use these for inspiration. :)
  • Why Do MP3s Feel Pain?
    Should Hackers Kill?
    Can Anonymous Cowards Learn?
    Online Microsoft Salvation: The WB

    --GAck
  • Actually, the Y10K bug has already been solved; read RFC2550 [faqs.org] for details.
  • Funny, all I got was a bunch of links to JPEGs (1-9.jpg or something) that all presented me with that nice Netscape "broken image" icon. Anyone else?

    -mike kania
  • Is there a real 'Dion Rayford of the Taco Bell incident'? I know that another poster said they know Dion the Hungry, but I seem to remember hearing something similar except that it was a burger joint in Florida. Wow, the birth of a new urban legend... Of course, maybe Dion was just inspired by the earlier story. Or maybe there's a wave of drive-through assaults at fast food places coming and this is Just The Beginning...
  • My favourite was "Attack Of The Geek Hellmouth and Microsoft". Hmm. A call to arms in the wake of the US court decision?
  • I know, most people will say there's nothing wrong with the joke since it's about video games, but when you know someone who's been raped, anything that mentions it loses all humor.

    http://billy.j.mabray/
  • For some unknown reason, I'm kinda interested in seeing what it looks like, and the site is already gone. Too bad. If anyone grabbed a copy of the picture and can post it somewhere, please do.

    Zen
  • sad to say it *is* true. I live in Lawrence , KS. let me tell you between this and the State BOE trying to stop the teaching of evolution in schools makes me wanna move. it's bad enough we got that damned Wizard of Oz stereotype to live down.....


    TF
  • I just had to share these...

    High Schools: An Idea Whose Time Has Come
    Can Post-Columbine TV Stop The Virtual 21st Century?
    Can Students Learn?

    OK, enough... now go read it yourself.

  • Hmmm, they live east of the Mississippi, and I've personally seen them here (Cali) west of it on several occasions, so unless you have an incredibly fortuitous travel schedule, you have indeed been on the same side of that great river as them at some point! (All in good fun, I know what you meant...)
  • I'd take carpal-tunnels ANY day.

  • by Anonymous Coward
    Wow, I'm amazed to hear about that carpal tunnel case. I'm happy to hear there's at least one paid phone sex operator that (apparently) gets off for real!

  • Some of these are pretty classic though. I love that office 2000 parody! And the story about the woman sueing her employer for carpel because of mastubating too much actually says a LOT more about this society than most social commentaries.

  • Now I see why at my school Taco Bell is given the nickname Toxic Hell

  • by Anonymous Coward
    Kernel panic Shot Glass [thinkgeek.com]
  • Thanks CmdrTaco, this is the perfect place for me to put this.

    The Black, X-Large, high quality T-shirts with 'Potentially Dangerous' on the front and 'Mostly Harmless' on the back in white letters are now available. E-mail sleffer@home.com to order one, they will cost 15$ and they won't be ordered until I have either 50 orders or it is dec 20th, so the more people want one the faster we'll all get them. It should take about 4 weeks after the orders come in for everyone to get their shirt. Make sure you include mailing information with your order, all shirts will be shipped COD.

    Kintanon
  • Having never even been on the same side of the Mississippi as Rob and Jeff, I'd pay for it... :)



    Hah! I mock you! I live about an hour away from them, I could visit the compound any time, if I could only FIND it....

    Kintanon
    (That is assuming the live where I think they do, ie the Baltimore-Washington area)
  • My personal favorite Katzism:

    Hackers - Experience It!


    Kintanon
  • I love my slashdot shirt, I got one at Comdex, and wore it on the last day of working my booth in the LBE. (bravely defying company policy)
    Keep the cool designs coming. :)
  • ..Tuxaibo or Lego Mindstorm Tux.

  • when I loaded the story about the carpal tunnel syndrome I got an ad banner for oxygen.com stating 'another good reason to be a woman'.

    wonder who's head is going to be rolling on the floor for that one?

    kitchen

  • All the staff are having a collection for him - apparently he was quite popular after having left a rather large 'tip'

  • The Geek Compound is in Holland, MI.
  • first pornopgraphic mosaics of Ms. Tombraider, now video game rape scenes. I think there is a niche for me. How about it Rob?

    --Dayeight
    --Waiting to get moderated into oblivion.
  • Not only is it Y2K compliant, but it is also Y1K compliant!!!

    PS: Bill Gates seems to be $10G compliant
    PPS: A similar problem is the B100B problem. Right now McDonalds has "Over 99 Billion Served". What would happen when they reach 100 Billion? Their signs just can't handle it! They'll go out of business!

  • You can get them h ere [thinkgeek.com]
  • by pnevares (96029) on Thursday December 02, 1999 @03:02PM (#1485670) Homepage
    I'm sure we all pull out the defibrilators when our TV "dies [yahoo.com]".

    Pablo Nevares, "the freshmaker".
  • I know someone who's been doing "erotic massage"
    for a living who says that repetetive stress
    disorders are a real fear. This story doesn't
    strike me as *completely* ridiculous.

    What I don't understand is why this woman never
    learned to fake orgasm. What are mother's
    teaching young women these days, anyway?

    Of course, there's no reason to assume that
    the facts have been reported anywhere near
    accurately. We're talking ABC news here.


  • What??? You're talking about a phone sex worker. You know, the ones that Oral Roberts and others claim are "Satans mistresses."

    You're just facilitating the return of the anti-christ when you suggest that we actually give those in cahoots with the devil a chance to make the Y2K problem worse.

    Sheesh! It's rough defending our nation's borders against the spawn of hell with just a shotgun and a chainsaw.
  • Oh. silly me. I was skimming the article that it linked to, and thought it *was* randomly generated, along with the comments.

    You mean that was real?
  • I wasn't going to post any, but this one just popped up:

    The Geek Hellmouth? Don't believe it
  • I think Lunix [netsurf.de] was for the C64, actually.

    Definitely a different Unix. :)
    ---
    pb Reply or e-mail rather than vaguely moderate [152.7.41.11].
  • Heh, silly me then, I something to do with them is in the Baltimore-Washington area... Just can't remember what it is.>:)
  • I am not disputing you on this (because you say you have seen a picture, and I haven't), but I have to wonder about this guy, personally.

    From my experience, when the toilet paper is out, and I want to look around, I do one of two things:

    1. I turn my head, then my torso - but not my ass - around to see behind me.
    2. Otherwise, I would stand slightly up, to turn a bit more, if needed.

    The last bit I would have to question is this:

    Sit on a toilet and make sure your johnson is limp. Let it dangle into the toilet, if you want. Now turn your whole body to the side (just like the man said he did). Does it come close to the side of the bowl (and hence, lid)?

    Now, perhaps this man was very well endowed, or maybe he was slightly hard, but I wonder how it could slide under the lid (and I wonder why, if he does this, does he not feel the cold plastic first and move it - the last part of my body I want to touch a public toilet bowl is my dick!)? Somehow, while I believe based on available info that this man got injured, I think that:

    a. Something really wacked out was going on in that stall or,
    b. He injured himself in another way (wife goes down on him and bends it wrong?)...

    This whole thing is just too wierd...
  • Sounds like a blast. Do you think people getting that psychotic about fast food will increase support for teaching evolution because it shows our animal heritage?
  • Not true. There are a number of outlets of typewriter ribbons available. Including Underwood ribbons.
  • Err...mothers are teaching their daughters how to fake orgasms, now? I've got to get in on this...

  • It has to be a publicity stunt.
    Phone sex operators don't really get naked
    and masturbate on the phone. And they're not
    cute chicks either.
  • I've posted 5 of the pics at http://www.geocities.com/iguana2000/ Enjoy.
  • by DragonHawk (21256) on Thursday December 02, 1999 @03:17PM (#1485689) Homepage Journal
    The Year Five Billion problem. By then, our sun should have gone nova and incinerated the planet. I don't care what kind of computer you have -- that is going to cause a malfunction.
  • I think my feelings about this can be summed up best using the words of Keanu Reeves:

    (blinks a couple times).. whoa.

  • "The Bill of Rights: A Whole New Chapter In The Stock Market"

    That just made me laugh out loud.

    I still don't know why...
  • OH my ghod, this is pure genius. I sweare some of these were real slashdot articles:


    Is The Internet About To Transform The Internet War?

    The Net Demands The Digital Website


    I love it. This is very Onion-worthy
  • Prostitutes [whoreact.net] and their dextrous abilities come to mind, especially where it's legal like in Nevada. One of the biggest arguments is in favor of the legalization of prostitution is so that prostitutes can receive health care -- I suppose rsi is one of those injuries most never planned to receive.
  • It's Time For The Internet War Hysteria

    Cinema: A Whole New Chapter In The Revolutionary World

    Letters From Virtual Impeachment

    The Web: A Whole New Chapter In Online Buffy

    Giving Thanks For Virtual Cinema

    The Power Of The Techno Stock Market And Interactive Dying Babies

    Murder: A Whole New Chapter In Hidden Being Different

    Is The Stock Market About To Transform Slashdot?

    Can Hidden Anonymous Cowards Stop Post-Columbine Minimum Wage?




    The scary part is, this _reeks_ of Markov Chaining. I suspect these are made up of actual genuine interactive dying baby Katz headlines, shredded and rearranged.



    One envisions doing this to the whole Katz on Slashdot collection, thus getting not only terrific headlines, but entire articles. For anybody interested in doing this, Katz is a _very_ good subject for travesty as he is disjointed and covers the same subjects over and over. To markov chain this stuff it's best to work at the word level- pairs of words end up chaining very abstractedly, and word triples can sometimes spit out overlarge chunks of unaltered text (though I suspect with Katz the triples would work perfectly).



    Here's a sample of this sort of travesty: Speak Roughly To Your Evidence [airwindows.com], an edited Alice In Wonderland travesty.

  • Here [freeservers.com] is a link to the Lego Penguin images.

    I've just grabbed the images, and not any of the text or anything, but have at it.
  • Sorry, I am a NES kinda person. What are those tiny little gameboy looking things that say Dreamcast? I thought that Dreamcast was like a next gen playstation.
  • or...

    Open Source High Schools and Violence: An Idea Whose Time Has Come
    Flamers Salvation: E-Business

    That site is so excellent.

  • Wait. I have a question. This football player guy who got stuck in the Taco Bell window... He pleaded innocent, verdad?.

    How the HELL can he have the cajones to plead innocent? HE WAS IN THE WINDOW! "It wuddint me! I sweah!" Oh man. I can just see some pencil-neck lawyer "well yer honor, my client was actually impersonated by a crazed fan who just happens to have the exact same proportions. Notice that my client passed the lie detector test, and DNA results were inconclusive. The employees were hiding in the back the entire time, and never got a clear view of him."

    Someone with more dedication than me and less of a life please tell me this doesn't fly. Please. My faith in the system is rattled enough as it is.

    Oy chalupa.

    - Rev.
  • Does Katz still post at /.? I turned him off about 4 weeks in and had sort of forgotten all about him...
  • Note that it isn't such a big issue: backs are standard issue equipment with humans. So I assume that you have one, unless, of course, you've thrown it out?

    Whacka, whacka, whacka...

  • You're thinking of Roblimo. He's a Charm City native (used to work for Shi... I mean.. City Paper).

    -Chris
    Yay Hopkins!
  • FWIW, this sort of toilet seat is not all that uncommon -- it's often obligatory for handicapped persons, for some of whom it's difficult to get onto or off of a standard-height toilet. The better handicapped toilet seats have a 2-3" thick seat, though, and a somewhat different arrangement of hinge and plumbing to allow them to fold upwards.

    Less structurally sound versions are those where the little feet on the underside of the seat (the ones that raise the seat 0.25" or so off the surface of the porcelain, useful for being able to easily raise the seat amongst other features) are replaced with much taller versions -- those with a knowledge of physics will recognize that this isn't nearly as structurally sound as the solid described above, and lateral force (such as leaning sideways searching for toilet paper) would have a much better chance of breaking the feet off, with the attendant potential for injury.

  • by Traxxas (20074)
    Did you read that RFC? Its lame. Lets see if my comp it still used 8000+ years from now, or a program from now, then damn the future is pathetic or that code is fscking awesome.

    My code is YAK compliant, is yours.
  • How about a beowulf of Katz' That would sweet.

  • With spelling like that, I was expecting to see a gameboy up in the corner saying "Ferst Post!!!".
  • I was browsing ThinkGeek and noticed they were putting Duvel in the glasses. Can you get that stuff in the US without hitting the specialty import stores?
  • ...unless, of course, you can find antique typewriter ribbons.
  • Let's see... it's based on a well-loved design by an acknowledged master, it was painstakingly built from the top down, and it used the available resources to their maximal potential. Yes, I think this Lego Tux is a very appropriate symbol for Linux. ;D

    Vovida, OS VoIP
    Beer recipe: free! #Source
    Cold pints: $2 #Product

  • accuweather is a joke, my friends... the only thing that's ever been spotted in Galien are cows, farmers, and rednecks. There are probably more cows in Galien than there are people. christ... i went to school in the little town next to galien that looks like a thriving metropolis comparitivly, yet only has 3000 people. yipes. galien shouldn't even be on the map.

    rant mode off.

    --bc
    ------------------------------------------
    the amazing bc
    latin/funk flugelhorn & trumpet
    webnaut, music junkie, sysadmin from hell
  • Is it just me, or are comments disappearing from this article? (And yes, I'm sure they weren't just scored below my threshold.)
  • Did anyone notice how much time had been put into the etch-a-sketch? Just for an anti-M$ joke.
  • Yeah sure the gag on office is funny, but I'm more amazed that the skill that was involved with the etche-Sketch. He was actually able to WRITE budget. and all I could draw was stairs.


    "If all the world's a stage, then who is the audience?"
  • Kid, don't try this at home!

    Vovida, OS VoIP
    Beer recipe: free! #Source
    Cold pints: $2 #Product

  • by Coolfish (69926) on Thursday December 02, 1999 @07:15PM (#1485724)
    I saw a picture of the toilet that was at fault in this incident. I've never seen a toilet like this before. The seat is raised about 2 inches above the actual bowl. What happened was that there was no TP in the dispenser, so he turned on the seat, reaching for TP on the toilet. His jimmerjammer slid under the seat (quite possible) and due to the force caused by his butt cheeks sliding on the seat, the seat failed, thus crushing his willy. He was in the ER for 10 hours, apperently. His johnson is no longer functional, with no hope of regaining the functionality. He is sueing for 2.2 million (CDN), with his wife asking for $750,000CAD for the loss of his services.

    Would you crush your tinky winky for 2.2 mill Canadian? I doubt it.

  • I see that the source is available. This is cool.
    All it takes is changing some directory names in index.cgi and dada, and it works.

    If you don't want the whole web page, but just want a random headline on stdout:

    Edit katz.pb and replace the huge line beginning with decorated_headline: with
    decorated_headline: headline;

    Then run it with 'dada katz.pb' instead of 'index.cgi'.

    Think of the possibilities! JonKatz in shell scripts! JonKatz instead of fortune! JonKatz in xscreensaver/hacks/noseguy!
    Actually, now that I think about it, that's scary.
    --
  • I saw no mention of gender of the management or ownership of the phone sex company.

    But whether she earned her $400 a week doing phone sex, data entry, as an entry level techie grunt, as a hair dresser or as a freakin' superhero, if she was sincerly injured on the job then the worker's comp insurance should cover her expenses. Or are only classy, intelectuals entitled to protection under the labor laws?

    Note that I admit that I don't have any way of knowing whether her injuries are real, that's for the insurance company to debate. I still don't believe that they really mastrubate on the phone!
  • A thousand years ago, everybody was worried about all their abacuses crashing .. now this .. what's it? Y2K thing?! The sad thing is history *really* does repeat itself ;)
  • by Evan Vetere (9154) on Thursday December 02, 1999 @02:19PM (#1485738)
    At 20.17 Eastern, at the Republican Debate, Forbes referred to Linux as 'Loonix' while answering a question about why Microsoft should or shouldn't be broken up.

    Leenix or Lihnux, sure. But Loonux? :)
  • Just wanted to say thank you to whatever moderator realized that this post was NOT meant as troll, and moderated it back up.

    Maybe it's my dim-witted brain, but I freaked out hardcore to find that a tongue in cheek jest had been moderated down to troll.

  • Voices From The Online Internet War War
    The World Demands Interactive Kids
    The Movie Line Demands The Music Industry
    Spiritual Sexbots, The Post-Columbine Website and Pain


    and my favorite....
    Can Interactive Dying Babies Stop The Spiritual Movie Line?

  • by Imperator (17614) <slashdot2@NosPAM.omershenker.net> on Thursday December 02, 1999 @05:25PM (#1485749)
    How I understand it (not that I really do) is that the sun will become a red giant and expand to roughly the orbit or Mars. Quadrillions of Linux-using sentient beings will whine about the loss of their uptime.

    up 185271828182 days, 07:42 min

  • Open Source Crackers, The Hidden Stock Market and Impeachment
    The Recording Industry: The Mvoie
    The Post-Columbine Movie Line Syndrome: Time To Face The Music
    The End Of Geek Students and Lo-Tech Cyber-Terrorism (good. I've been having problems cracking into computers using two sticks and a rock)

    And of course...
    Can Dying Babies Kill?
  • by Anonymous Coward on Thursday December 02, 1999 @02:23PM (#1485760)
    Yikes, the nurse at school said it wouldn't hurt me!
  • by mrsam (12205) on Thursday December 02, 1999 @02:26PM (#1485764) Homepage

    I'm surprised nobody submitted the one where a man is suing Starbucks because the toilet in their restroom crushed his penis [yahoo.com].

    Hey, that doesn't sound like such a bad deal to me. Get your 1.5 million bucks, then go on a vaction to Australia. While you're their, stop by the local cosmetic surgeon and pay a small fee to have your penis reconstructed [interneticons.com.au]. Afterwards, you're good as new, and you have an extra million bucks in the bank account.
    --

  • Why do Anonymous Cowards kill?

    Enough said.

  • by Filter (6719) on Thursday December 02, 1999 @02:31PM (#1485769)
    my wrists are killing me...

  • My favourite Jon Katz story title from the generator:

    Interactive Buffy and The Open Source WB: The Morning After

    Jon - Please, please, please write this!
  • Wait until Y10K...
    Make me wait eight thousand years... and I'll pay generously.
  • Thats a guess, on the basis that the four-foot Alice in Wonderland by the same guy is quoted at $600-800.

    I'm wondering if I can figure out the design from the pics. My artistic talents don't run to doing it from scratch. I'm sure I can find some children who wouldn't mind an big box of red and blue bricks for Christmas. (Or can someone build a BSD deamon?)

    Of course the true geek approach is to grab the 3-d model from Tux:AQFH and pixelise it. :)
  • Are you serious?

    How the hell do you do something like that? I don't think that my penis is worth $1.5 million. No amount of money could make up for the loss of "activity" that would result from a crushed penis (not that I would know, I'm a virgin). Personally, I think it's the guy's fault for not exercising care to keep his penis out of danger while he was dropping his little friends off at the pool.

    Could I sue if a McDonald's milkshake between my legs freezes my testes and penis and causes discomfort? Hey, it worked for hot coffee; perhaps it could work for cold beverages as well!

    There certainly are some *weird* people in this world...



    awkwardone
  • Wait until Y10K... eight thousand years from now. Unless something is done to avert a disaster, just about ALL of the world's computers (except maybe Macs) will shit the bed on January 1, 10000.

    Disaster is always imminent... it just tends not to manifest itself.



    awkwardone

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