Help Rename the Department of Homeland Security 382
Hugh Pickens writes "James Fallows writes tongue in cheek that U.S. Department of Fear, led by Secretary of Fear Malcolm P. Stag III, is running a poll. To what should we re-name the Department of Homeland Security? 'Possibilities include Department of ScaredyCatLand Security, reflecting the prevailing mentality of an era, and Department of Fatherland Security, to make us sound strong,' writes Fallows. 'There are many more to choose from, plus you can write in your own nominees. But act now, because the polls close Tuesday.'"
Gender of countries (Score:2)
Department of Fatherland Security
I've always been wondering about this, and this line reminds me about it again. Why do countries have genders? Not every country is a man either - for example Russia, China and my country all view it as motherland. On the other hand, according to this, US and then several other countries view it as fatherland. Why?
Re:Gender of countries (Score:4, Funny)
The US has Florida, so it's male.
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The US has Florida, so it's male.
And we Europeans have Sweden.
And we've got Finland :-)
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Europa is female [wikipedia.org].
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Yes, Europe wears Italy, but such outside signs can be misleading :-)
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Italy makes it clear that Europa is female. It's clearly a woman's boot.
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Italy makes it clear that Europa is female. It's clearly a woman's boot.
Never seen a cross-dresser?
Or do you think that Sweden and Finland are just a strap-on? :-)
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Well, it makes Los Angeles the arse. San Diego is the perineum, always smeared with the fecal detrius of it's neighbor.
San Francisco is the sensitive small-of-the-back...
Re:Gender of countries (Score:5, Insightful)
I think Ministry of Peace [wikipedia.org] would also be appropriate.
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Maybe Minfree (Ministry of Freedom)?
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I like this, it implies the reality of what the DHS advocates: "minimum freedoms".
Maybe the department of unconstitutional (homeland) searches? or "duhs" pronounced "douche"? That would also be accurate.
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No, I think Ministry of Love is the best choice...
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Well, at least in Norwegian "ancestors" would be something like "forefathers" translated directly, just like "man" can mean both male or mankind. Land of our forefathers => fatherland. No doubt most countries have been patriarchies. Motherland I think mostly refer to the land itself, like most polytheist religions have earth and fertility goddesses, not gods. Literally that it refers to the country like a force of nature. You're wrong about the US though, I've never heard American use either motherland o
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I don't think we see it as a fatherland. I'm not sure we ascribe a gender to it. We do have a female icon ("Columbia") but I don't think we refer to it as a motherland either.
Department of (Score:4, Insightful)
I have it (Score:5, Interesting)
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Department of Terror and Graft [metafilter.com]
Department of Never Gonna Give you up. (Score:2)
Department of Information Retrieval.
would be my favorite but perhaps we should go with the spam voting meme and as a group astroturf this:
Department of Colbert
Another direction would be the
Department of Never Gonna Give you up.
If you think about the lyrics it actually makes a strange sense.
SHIELD (Score:5, Funny)
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division
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Cover Us from New Threatening Situations
Department Of Upholding Contravallations against Hostile External Societies
The obvious one... (Score:2)
Department of Homeland Insecurity which is what it actually is too.
Department of Security Theater (Score:5, Insightful)
Seems like the obvious choice.
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Gestapo (Score:4, Insightful)
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Schutzstaffel would be more appropriate. The Gestapo was run by Heinrich Himmler, head of the SS till 1939 then under the various German "Police" forces after.
Kiss my DHSS (Score:2)
Schutzstaffel would be more appropriate.
And it's new logo would be the logo of the band Kiss [wikipedia.org] with KI turned into DH.
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Dam, to cerebral, sorry.
Re:Gestapo (Score:4, Insightful)
Back when Bush was still in charge I came up with...
George's Electronic Security Transportation and Papers Organization
Nod to B5 (Score:3)
I always thought the "Ministry of Truth" had a nice uber-authoritarian ring to it.
Unfortunately, we don't use "Ministry" in our governmental body names, so it would have to be "Department of Truth" or maybe "Department of Truthiness".
Also could bookend the Department of Justice with the Department of the American Way.
Ministry of Peace. (Score:3)
We already have a more appropriate name prepared for it.
I like acting (Score:4)
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Well, many of it's activities are just for show, like airport pat-downs of children and the elderly or confiscating medicines if they're in liquid form.
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Well, many of it's activities are just for show, like airport pat-downs of children and the elderly or confiscating medicines if they're in liquid form.
Because nobody would ever smuggle weapons or explosives onto an aircraft by hiding them inside a child's clothing? Not even if they knew that children got a guaranteed free pass around screening at the airport, and therefore their chances of successfully getting contraband onto an airplane that way would be very high?
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OK, here's the problem.
I know my kid is not carrying weapons or explosives. I don't need some Goverment Groper to feel them up to tell me that.
There is practically a zero chance that any child (or adult, for that matter) is a terrorist, and they all know whether they're terrorists, so Government Gropers just piss off the 99.9999999% who aren't.
Closed (Score:2)
How about "Closed"?
Department 1984 (Score:2)
Big brother monitor every move and revisionist history. 1984 a little late, but its here.
As a person whose uncle was sent to Siberia... (Score:5, Insightful)
I say we just be honest and call it "KGB-lite". Gestapo has too many letters and STASI just sounds too unpleasant.
Of course, over time, it will outgrow the "lite" part of the name. They all do.
In the red. (Score:2)
How about "Dept of 500 Billion Dollars Wasted"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/09/september-11-homeland-security-spending_n_953288.html [huffingtonpost.com]
Seriously folks how hard would it be to get SAM's in the country when cartels brings tons of coke and dope over the border? How hard would it be to sit at the end of a runway and use a .50 incendiary round through the fuel tank of a plane about to lift off?
Hard shot? These anti-material rifles can shoot humans from 1.5 miles away.
Why hasn't it happened then? Because the
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Didn't Mythbusters disprove the whole "bullet to the gas tank makes the car explode" thing? I would imagine it's the same with a jet, not sure if "incendiary" makes a difference or not. Pretty sure it wouldn't EXPLODE all at once though.
And I'm sure they gotta keep good enough eyes on the airfield that people wandering around would be noticed and stopped by security... AFAIK all the big airports restrict who can actually go into the airfield, and if you hang around outside you're not likely to be able to
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Well rather than commenting to me you should do the research, the fact is military around the World use the .50 for exactly that, and why does it have to explodes all at once?
If a plane is lifting off it's going to fast to stop, if its wing fuel tank is shot with an incendiary round it is now a flaming plane taking off...what are you going to do at that point? Turn around?
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Also, as the Air France Concorde showed - once you have a ruptured fuel tank the leaking fuel can be ignited from the back of the jet engines.
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you'd probably still be noticed hanging around the fence or whatever.
Last time I checked the sell gillie suits in the same place as they sell .50 cal rifles...
You're missing the point though: If terrorists wanted to attack the USA they don't need to go through airport security to do it.
Anybody who thinks they do need to get through security is an idiot. Anywhere people group together is a target - including the queue for the scanners (bag of explosives+ball bearings detonated in the queue...?)
Even if they did feel like going through security there's still easy/unstoppable
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Re:In the red. (Score:5, Insightful)
Why hasn't it happened then? Because there is no terrorist threat.
This. Times a million.
If terrorists wanted to attack the USA there's nothing stopping them. Everything they need can be bought inside US borders and there's no shortage of targets to choose from.
The TSA is a magic tiger-scaring stone. A very, very expensive tiger scaring stone. Not just in the money sense but in the freedom sense and the inalienable rights sense.
Re:In the red. (Score:5, Insightful)
One might also argue that the TSA is doing exactly what it was designed to do. By making all but the richest Americans (the ones who can afford private jets) go through these searches, they are gradually wearing down the public, conditioning them to accept regular intrusive searches and limitations on travel. This was one of the first things the Nazis did, too. It makes it harder for the peons to rise up and overthrow the government after they start doing the really bad stuff.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that sort of thinking is happening (at least consciously) in the halls of Congress. What I'm saying is that the purpose for those freedoms that the DHS is pissing all over is precisely to minimize the chances of the really bad stuff happening later. As Thomas Jefferson put it, "A government afraid of its citizens is a Democracy. Citizens afraid of government is tyranny!"
The more we tear down those freedoms, the closer we come to being another autocratic or oligarchic hellhole instead of a democracy. It is precisely for that reason that every true, patriotic American has a duty to defend the Constitution against these attacks in whatever way he or she can, and to resist any government actions that go against its spirit to the maximum extent allowable by law and, if need be, with acts of peaceful civil disobedience that are not allowable by law as well.
God bless the USA.
Inter-dimensional Secret Security Service (Score:5, Funny)
What about security threats that exist in dimensions prophesied by String Theory? These areas cannot ignored, or death shall await us, for sure, from dimension N + 1 . . . with huge pointy teeth . . .
Department Of Oppression and Molestation (Score:2)
AKA DOOM.
Department of Steven Colbert (Score:2)
KK (Score:3)
DIRT (Score:4, Insightful)
Department of Rights Termination.
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Apparently I have issues creating valid acronyms too... :) Still, the description is accurate even if the acronym isn't.
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The Nightwatch (Score:5, Insightful)
Babylon 5 reference.
BTW, if you like sci-fi and haven't watched B5, you're missing a pretty good story.
Re:The Nightwatch (Score:4, Insightful)
It is actually pretty scary how Babylon 5 predicted the DHS. In fact, the DHS basically is very, very much like the Nightwatch was shown. Reduce the Stasi-like use of "Informal Agents", but apart from that, you really have it.
B5 ran 93 to 98, it only took half a decade where this horror-ministry was actually put into action.
(The author added the armbands on purpose so every stupid idiot would what the Nightwatch was about. DHS should probably start getting some... might I suggest the colours red, white and black?)
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I wasn't referring to the Nightwatch story thread per se in my claim that B5 is a good story. I was referring to the whole show overall. No argument that the Nightwatch story arc lacked nuance.
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You know what would have made it a better story? More moral ambiguity. You've got the next Gestapo forming but they're also reasonably effective at protecting people from a menacing threat
Apparently it makes for a more realistic story, though, since we've got effectively the same kind of thing occurring here without that "reasonably effective" sugar coating.
Miniluv, Ministry of Love (Score:5, Insightful)
GWBSTEC (Score:2)
GWBSTEC
George W Bush Second Term Election Committee
CSS (Score:2)
"Committee for State Security", aka "Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti"?
FUD (Score:4, Funny)
I think they should call it the "The F.U.D" and have a multiple accepted expansions for the acronym.
Fear and Uncertainty Department ...
Fundamentally Unnecessary Department
Federal Unchecked Discretion
F**ked Up Department
How about Savak??? (Score:2)
"First stage" (Score:2)
James Fallows, consistently late (Score:5, Interesting)
The Department of Homeland Security is a mess, mind you, but that's as much implementation as anything else, it's designed to make it possible for Congress to monitor the security pork better, which had previously been scattered through the Federal Government, and therefore had no single cabinet secretary that could be brought in to testify and question, and no single budget bill to cut deals over. The problem is not the department, as much as it is that the United States has a pervasive fear in its population. For example, take a look at this gallup poll trend over the years on perceptions of crime: http://www.gallup.com/poll/150464/Americans-Believe-Crime-Worsening.aspx [gallup.com] and then compare it to actual violent crime rates. Americans by a large margin believe that crime is getting worse, when, in fact, violent crime is going down. Note that the graph strongly corresponds to rhetoric on crime, and to personal economic, as opposed to physical, insecurity.
It does not matter what the department is called, as long as Americans vastly over-rate the chances of dying in criminal or terrorist attacks, particularly in crimes committed by strangers or foreigners, as opposed to the far more likely case of being killed by someone they know. Statistically speaking, suicide is more common that homicide, and among homicide categories, being killed by a current or former romantic partner outweighs all other categories. But that's not what DoHs monitors by and large. Instead looked at in an unbiased fashion, for example this post at Reason magazine, http://reason.com/archives/2006/08/11/dont-be-terrorized [reason.com] terrorism is a lower risk that we run going out to drive, or consuming ordinary products.
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Instead looked at in an unbiased fashion, for example this post at Reason magazine, http://reason.com/archives/2006/08/11/dont-be-terrorized [reason.com] terrorism is a lower risk that we run going out to drive, or consuming ordinary products.
But any politician who scraps 'anti-terror' measures will be voted out if there's another major terrorist attack. This is why big government keeps getting bigger until it bankrupts the country and collapses.
Who knew Dr. Who had a name to call them... (Score:2)
Let's call them 'The Happiness Patrol'.
Not only was it a great Dr Who episode (with good ol' Ace and the 7th doctor), but it paints a pretty grim picture that hits a little too close to the mark of how government works today.
Win Win.
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I propose (Score:4, Interesting)
RETARDED: REdundant Treasonous Americans Raping Democracy Every Day
I propose a new strategy... (Score:2)
They might find it a bit difficult, at first, being under a department with a budget of less than $200 million, an
Central Services (Score:2)
Dibs on working for Information Retrieval [imdb.com].
Rename? (Score:4, Interesting)
I'd rename it to "the now defunct, disbanded Department of Homeland Security". The military is supposed to secure our borders, and in my mind "security" doesn't mean being secure against tornados and earthquakes. FEMA should exist, DHS should not.
Re:Rename? (Score:4, Funny)
Have a squiggle logo and call it "The Department formerly known as Homeland Security".
OK, so Prince (or whatever he's calling himself these days) might complain
FedUPS (Score:2)
...since they handle more packages per day than those two combined, anyway.
Got it (Score:2)
Your Government Is Too Large and Intrusive (Score:2)
I don't have a catchy acronym because its not funny.
We are in the stages of being another Greece, we have grown our government beyond our means to support it. The real one percent is those in high paying government jobs. Yes I know that not all jobs are high paying in government but there are too many horror stories to just be a coincidence.
Department of Homeland Security is Department of Jumped the Shark.... Time to start axing some Departments and this is a good place to start. Ron Paul seemed to have mi
The National Guard (Score:3)
We have had an organization charged with the defense of our nation for 370 years. How about we let them do their job rather than fight in overseas wars (and get rid of the expensive and excessive DHP)?
Department of Wastefull Spending. (Score:2)
The EPA is willing to spend up to $9 million to save a single human life. And the GOP claims this is too much.
The DOT (cars) and the FAA (plane construction) are willing to spend $6 million to save a single human life.
The Department of Homeland Security is willing to spend $180 million to save a single life (as per the Federal Air Marshall's estimates).
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The Department of Homeland Security is willing to spend $180 million to save a single life (as per the Federal Air Marshall's estimates).
Fine. I'll take 1/2 of that and DHS can just bank the rest. If I'm blown up by a terrorist then it's on my head.
We could balance the budget on this concept alone!
Rename the War on Terror (Score:5, Insightful)
Let's rename the war on terror to be more accurate too ...
Virtual strip-searches, ball-fondling [boingboing.net], never-ending but ineffectual id checks [nypost.com], forcing women to drink their own breast-milk [usatoday.com], arbitrary rule enforcement [hotair.com], making everyone go bare-foot, singling-out people by the clothes they wear [nydailynews.com], forcing people to remove nipple rings with pliers [rackjite.com], torturing injured flyers [podiatry.com], making people piss on themselves [msn.com], the list is practically endless.
And yet the TSA hasn't caught a single terrorist.
But they sure are doing a bang-up job of destroying human dignity. Therefore I say we rename the War on Terror to The War on Dignity.
Rename DHS (Score:2)
Let's just call it defunct.
"Now-Obsolete Department Of Homeland Security" (Score:2)
Fews Things Disapoint Me More (Score:2)
Ministry for State Security, of course. (Score:2)
In German. Or Russian. Or maybe Chinese.
How about we get rid of it? (Score:2)
Seriously, it's going to grow as structured. Soon we will be enduring their crap on every form of transportation there is.
Former!! (Score:2)
rename it to ISSS (Score:2)
Internal Surveillance and Security Service
Mystery Security Theater 3000 (Score:2)
We've already got the rip tracks for all their actions done anyway.
Department of Fear (Score:2)
short and sweet. of course, all the previous suggestions to name it "defunct" would be even better. for a more pointed suggestion:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ministry_of_Public_Enlightenment_and_Propaganda [wikipedia.org]
Dept. of Inverse Causality (Score:2)
Retask it as the Department of Inverse Causality and Kabuki (DICK). Their motto can be "preventing yesterday's threats tomorrow." Anyone care to take a stab at translating that into Latin?
Grope-on (Score:2)
The Federal government should privatize it, retaining options at low strike prices. Then they can seek venture funding, have an IPO, sell into the general market, and reap enough profit to help make a dent in the national debt. The new, privatized TSA should be called Grope-on.
Department of Defense (Score:2)
Well, "Department of Homeland Security," to me, implies a department that's responsible for keeping US territory (the fifty states) safe. You know, defending it. So I would propose that we call it the "Department of Defense." Oh, wait, there's a problem because we already have some other department called that. But that department isn't really concerned with defending US soil, and it hasn't been since 1945. So I would propose that we do the following:
The thing currently called the Department of Homeland
Department of Terrorism (Score:3)
Seriously. Let's look at the stats.
Damage done by terrorists vs. damage (cost) from DHS?
Damage to freedom by terrorists vs. damage from DHS?
Fear and uncertainty caused by terrorists vs. fear and uncertainty caused by DHS?
the only thing the terrorists are still leading at is "people killed". But we're working on that.
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I submit:
Schutzstaffel!
No, it sounds like a pastry.
And now I'm all hungry...,
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I wouldn't eat any of their pastries....
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American
Department of
Homeland
Defence
Re:Here's one (Score:4, Insightful)
For anyone not familiar with this particular organization, shorten it to Stasi and think back to before the fall of the Berlin Wall. I like it.
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How about the "Department to hide rampart unemployment"?