Microsoft to Spy on Employees 305
4T writes "Forget about monitoring your computers with spyware, now they're going to monitor the users as well!
'Microsoft is developing Big Brother-style software capable of remotely monitoring a worker's productivity, physical wellbeing and competence.
The Times has seen a patent application filed by the company for a computer system that links workers to their computers via wireless sensors that measure their metabolism. The system would allow managers to monitor employees' performance by measuring their heart rate, body temperature, movement, facial expression and blood pressure. Unions said they fear that employees could be dismissed on the basis of a computer's assessment of their physiological state.'"
here's a screenshot (Score:5, Funny)
anything like this?
No supries compnaies have wanted this for a while (Score:1, Funny)
The coolest thing I ever saw was one of the IT guys was able to add a signature into the virus scan software for it and it uninstalled it district wide one night.
Pissed the director of operations off big time when he couldn't spy...
Posting ANON as I know he reads here.... HI DAVE! throwing chairs yet?
Check on metabolism could be useful (Score:5, Funny)
Don't sweat it (Score:4, Funny)
Seems flawed. (Score:2, Funny)
Wireless body sensors? (Score:3, Funny)
I am tired of the whole Western world... (Score:4, Funny)
*yank*
Re:Wait a second (Score:5, Funny)
Time to make outsourcing work for us!
Re:here's a screenshot (Score:3, Funny)
Ahhh, you mean involving a ribbon, which you could use to hang yourself?
An average day at Microsoft... (Score:4, Funny)
Monitor1: User death imminent.
Monitor2: OK, notify MicroMorgue to fire up the incinerator, and dispatch two lawyers to deal with the family members. Send the wife a complimentary vista discount cupon.
Monitor1: Wait, he moved...
Monitor2: HOLD, ignore that MicroMorgue order and get the lawyers back to the Antitrust dep. again.
Monitor1: Hes fine, great. Another buck saved, however Thompson in dep. 2 doesnt look entirely healthy.
Monitor2: Inject 1500 MG of Vitamin-C in Subject 7271 Sector 1G, cubicle 1235.
Security-Central: Injecting vitamin-C now, #1000001, (Blue Screen of Death)
Monitor2: What the He..?
Monitor1: Cr*p! The d*mn machine broke down during the vitamin-c injection.
Monitor2: Uh, oh.... Thomson is running around naked, and thats no joystick...
Monitor1: Run the backup servers and have him injected with 15 mg SleepWell 2000.
Monitor2: The backup servers are runnin Linux...
Monitor1: Were screwed!
They can have my vital signs ... (Score:4, Funny)
Oh wait
Potential for abuse (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Wait a second - with exceptions (Score:3, Funny)
Re:here's a screenshot (Score:5, Funny)
How many edges on a nitrogon?
-:sigma.SB
Re:here's a screenshot (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Possible Uses (Score:4, Funny)
2. the same, but now you're only allowed to use the phone.
3. monitor keyboard activity. The goal now is to cause the longest possible pause without the subject leaving the cubicle.
The software interfaces with clippy (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Wait a second (Score:3, Funny)
It looks like your heart rate has dropped below 200 bpm.
Would you like some more coffee?
Re:here's a screenshot (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Wait a second (Score:2, Funny)
Take that!
Strap them in (Score:3, Funny)
* Special conditions: the employee agrees that any excess electricity generated by the employee in the patented chamber will be available for use by the Company, at no charge.
Ballmer Scale (Score:3, Funny)
I propose the Ballmer scale. All these measurements combined add up much as SpamAssasin rating system.
0.0. Normal state, even slightly happy.
0.1. Slightly upset, nothing to worry about.
0.2. Upset. Something's going on with this guy but he won't make it evident.
0.4. Angry. He's having a bad day, he'll be fine tomorrow.
0.6. Furious. Avoid when possible. Do not step in his way.
0.8. Very furious. Considered dangerous. Contact law enforcement immediately.
1.0. Berserker. Expect exploding forehead veins and mayor damage to company's furniture.
Actually, Office 97 (Score:4, Funny)
Would you like help?
* Get help with killing yourself.
* Just kill yourself without help.
O Show me this tip every time I start to show signs of optimism.
Re:here's a screenshot (Score:3, Funny)
Most would have said 'starve' in that context, but the First Ammendment is a beautfiul thing.
I suppose we can expect a precipitous drop in
Welcome! (Score:1, Funny)
Re:here's a screenshot (Score:3, Funny)
...but definitely not as good as death by snoo-snoo.
Re:here's a screenshot (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Wait a second (Score:1, Funny)