More Massive Layoffs at AOL

dawnzer writes "It looks like AOL read the comments from Slashdotters saying that 950 employees do not constitute a 'massive' layoff. Several news sites are reporting that AOL is getting ready to cut 5,000 jobs, or roughly 26 percent of their global workforce. Now that's more like it."

Sweet

[Umbral Blot]

Does this mean that AOL is going away, because I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

Conspiracy!

[Linkiroth]

26%!!?? AOL is cutting their employees by AMD's marketshare. Intel's in bed with AOL! It makes perfect sense!

Does this mean...

[Yonder Way]

...one person just sent an email to everyone at the office that says "OMG I just got my pink slip" followed by thousands of replies that say "me too"?

Slashdot's New Response

[dduardo]

Pftt, only 5000? You can do better AOL.

MISQUOTE

[NoGuffCheck]

I'm sorry but the article has misquoted John Miller AOL CEO. His actual statement went more like this:

Following last nights board meeting, the AOL directors would like to confirm the rumours that we have decided to move away from our core business, the manufacture and distribution of drink coasters and frizbees. We are now seeking to restructure the relevant departments and pursue a profitable business model of providing our internet services at no cost to non subscribers. [ Long Pauses ] As a result we belive that within 6 months anyone in our employ today with half a brain will no longer be with the company....*phone rings* ahhh, hello?. yes Satan... sorry I gotta take this

I work for AOL

[quokkapox]

I manage a team of Retention Specialists in Reston (posting AC for obvious reasons). I'm not so sure about all this talk of layoffs. They need us more than they realize, and they would surely be willing to keep us around a little while longer for a slightly lower salary. I mean, if they really decide we aren't needed anymore, they can always reconsider and cancel our employment next month. I'm sure they'll find they really really really miss us after we're gone.

Re:I work for AOL

[Anonymous Coward]

"I manage a team of Retention Specialists in Reston (posting AC for obvious reasons)"

Yeah, OK...except you didn't post as AC, Mr. "Quokkapox"...
- Your Boss

P.S. Please see HR in the morning.

GoodBye

[Cr0t]

... and slowly started the mouse cursor to move over the X. This my kids, will be the last time you will hear 'Goodbye'

Re:Sweet

[Da_Weasel]

nah just the 5,000 customer service reps that refuse to allow you to cancel your service...

Work Free For 45 Days!

[poormanjoe]

If after 45 days you are not completly satisfied with your Employment Service Provider, cancel at no charge!**
 
**You must call to cancel your employment status or will continued to be employed at the standard rate.

Re:Sweet

[Schemat1c]

Does this mean that AOL is going away, because I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

ME TOO!!!!

Re:Sweet

[Anonymous Coward]

The Coaster Association of America embraces this development whole-heartedly and expects growth rates of up to 10,000%.

Re:Sweet

[Ohreally_factor]

I think we reached terminal September when that knight guy, Tim Burners, invented the graphical usenet at CERN.

Oh, and, ME TOO!!!!

Missives of September

[Ohreally_factor]

AOL is Web 3.0!!! Where do my eyeballs sign up for this pay-per-click multilevel marketing bonanza. Both of them missed the first two bubbles. They blame me; instead of blogging like I was supposed to I wasted (am currently wasting) my talents getting modded off topic on slashdig. We want some of that Web 3.0 cash. Now. Referrals. My eyeballs might like Roland Pickypail if he kicked down. We want referral fees for my teflon eyeballs. How many frogclick ringtones did my clickthroughs sell for you? APIs!! APO's!! IPI's! PAP's! Frog click. Frog click bad. Class action.

Re:Too late to get in on the ground floor?

[Ohreally_factor]

Yeah, I remember seeing that sculpture of the fish mounted on a wall. To me the coolest thing was not that it was made out of AOL CDs, but that it didn't sing "Take Me to the River".

Re:I work for AOL

[Ohreally_factor]

Shitfire! Any retention specialist worth his salt should be able to keep his job, no problem. It's just a matter of offering your boss the right incentives and the right vague threats at the exit interview.

let me see if I got this straight

[Wabbit Wabbit]

US AOL==SOL && UK AOL !EOL

Terminate my employment? Oh, I don't allow that...

[2e]

AOL REPRESENTATIVE "JOHN": Hi this is John at AOL... how may I help you today?
AOL HUMAN RESOURCES: We wanted to terminate your employment.
John: Sorry to hear that. Let's pull my account up here real quick. Can I
have your name please?
HR: Vincent.

John: I've had this job for a long time.
HR: Yup.
John: I work here quite a bit. What was the cause of wanting to terminate my employment today?
HR: We just don't use you anymore.
John: Do you have outsourced or subcontracted employees elsewhere?
HR: Yup.
John: How long have you had those...
HR: Years...
John: ...the ones in India?
HR: ...years.
John: Well, actually I'm showing a lot of hours of this employee.
HR: Yeah, a long time, a long time ago, not recently...

John: Okay, I mean is there a problem with my performance?
HR: No. we just don't use you, we don't need you, we don't want you. We just don't need you anymore.
John: Okay. So when you use me... I mean, use my services, I'm saying, is that for business customers or for... for home users?
HR: Dude, what difference does it make. We don't want you working at AOL anymore. Can we please terminate your employment?

You get the idea...
-Steven

Severance package

[roman_mir]

but will the severance packages be paid in AOL CDs?

AOL now with new Paycheck Blocker

[nightsweat]

It's a feature, not a terribly flawed cashflow model.

Re:Sweet

[andrewman327]

"[...]fewer people needed to handle the support, sales, and retention operations"

Uh, support? LostCluster, I think you need to remember that we're talking about AOL here.