Cutting Off an Over-Demanding End-User?

SpaceNeeded asks: "Numbers of you will probably recognize the start of the situation. Because I work with systems, I perform occasional builds. This occasionally crosses over to support (especially where it's my kit I'm asked to support). This isn't a problem, nor is it a problem when I get the occasional support query from someone I haven't supplied a system to, but who needs assistance. This is all well and good, but I've had pretty poor year personally. I've lost two relatives and a third is in a pretty bad way in hospital. An eleven year relationship ended a couple of months back, and I'm now having to perform _all_ the domestic tasks that used to be shared. Between these few things and my regular job I'm finding I have a whole lot less time to allow to support calls. What methods do you know of for gently cutting off someone, support-wise?"

"I have a regular end-user who is the one that we all dread. They have little interest in PC systems for itself, and regularly call up with problems, usually related to Windows spy-ware/Trojans/Viruses. I haven't supplied the systems, which comprises of two Dells and a Tosh laptop. Although I quite like them personally, I really don't need the hassle of their regular calls at the moment.

Before the regular cries of 'Supply Ubuntu' get too loud - that will _not_ work. They aren't up to Windows after a couple of years, and will expect interoperability with Windows systems (through college/employer) and don't have the technical skills to manage a *nix system."

An idea

[Mr_Tulip]

Just tell him/her you are unable to do it during work hours, as it is too busy / against company policy / whatever. Offer to help him out if he brings his PC to your house after hours.

Then move far away.

This worked for me

Good idea

[Schraegstrichpunkt]

It's great that you've asked Slashdot users -- a community that is known throughout the world for its tact and ability to handle delicate matters -- to help solve your dilemma.

Do what I did...

[blanktek]

Get a mac and then "forget" about how to use windows.

I don't know, but I know someone who does...

[DeathToBill]

The Mighty [ntk.net] BOFH [theregister.co.uk]! All the advice you need (and plenty you don't) is contained therein.

Re:charge 'em

[Henry V .009]

Didn't you read the original question? He just ended a long-term relationship. What this man needs isn't money, it's sex. He should demand a night with a nubile female relative in exchange for continued support. And he should do it as brazenly and obnoxiously as possible. Either he gets the sex or he offends the other partly so badly that he never hears from him again. Whichever way it goes, the submitter's real problem is solved: he's learned not to be such a doormat for once.

Go to Staples

[Pete LaGrange]

and get a ridiculously expensive price list printed up. After the next free service call, hand them the price list and tell them you're starting your own small service business. Make sure to emphasize your desire that they remain a loyal customer.

Re:An idea

[Odocoileus]

You don't have to move far away. Just have their phone number(s) blocked by your phone company. Label their email address as spam. Keep the house dimly lit at night (also good for the light bill) and mount a webcam near the door so you can identify people before you let on that you are home. Throw in some extra special touches like always leaving a few days worth of newspapers outside your house.
An alternate move might be to fake a stroke or something and play dumb. This is probably the easiest solution because it requires no extra setup outside of when the people are actually near.

Re:charge 'em

[Anonymous Coward]

I'll buy your idle customer list for $80.

Gotta SELL the tunnel

[Maximilio]

"I'm about to go into a pplhplhphlph tunn zxhdksh phplh losing coh . . tah . . plhlplhplh . . "

THEN hang up. Gotta put some effort into your act!!

Do what I did

[gone.fishing]

Run over their dog on the way out of the driveway.

Re:charge 'em

[Anonymous Coward]

"What this man needs isn't money, it's sex. He should demand a night with a nubile female relative in exchange for continued support."

You're from Kentucky, right?

Re:charge 'em

[nacturation]

Either he gets the sex or he offends the other partly so badly that he never hears from him again.

Or his offer is accepted, and this prompts a somewhat different Ask Slashdot.
 

Re:I'm confused...

[QuantumG]

Yeah, I was young and money wasn't all that important to me. Now I'm old, and I like the comfort of job security, but if I was still contracting I'd love to find suckers, err, I mean, devoted clients, like that again.

Re:charge 'em

[Henry V .009]

Yeah, but like the submitter, you're a doormat. By the way, I need to borrow your car tonight to take your wife out someplace nice while you fix my computer. I spilled beer all over the keyboard again.

Three words: Interactive Voice Response

[stinkydog]

Turn off all the ringers on you phones. Build an Interactive Voice Response system. Spend plenty of time on an extensive menuing system as deep as you can imagine (and add a few more layers). Ensure that the only live person reachable through your rig is a pizza place in New Delhi. I am sure that you no longer will be bothered by pesky callers again. If you get a second phone line for people you actually want to talk to, be sure it is unlisted.



SD

a few suggestions

[the-build-chicken]

1) Put them old hold, for a long time, with really annoying music
2) Transfer them to random departments like accounting, or freight delivery
3) After they finally get back to you, cut them off.
4) Implement a long winded touch tone system that doesn't work (with no option of going straight to an operator)
5) Implement a long winded voice recognition system that doesn't work (note: if you implement this with the ability to listen in, it can double as a hilareous source of entertainment Customer: "Tech Support Please"...System: "Did you say 'Wreck your court with cheese?"
6) Disagree with them over silly and obvious things eg...Customer "Oh hi, I have a computer and..." You interrupting "No you don't"
7) Don't forget the good old "I don't have the authority..."
      version 1: "I don't have the authority to answer that...I'll have my supervisor call you back"
      version 2: "I don't have the authority to do that, you'll have to download our authorization form from , sign it, and fax it back to " ..
well, that's what works for my bank anyway

Re:Do what I did

[karearea]

Run over their dog on the way out of the driveway.

I'd moderate that as +1 Funny, but it might be true.

Simple

[pocketfuzz]

You could take some these seemingly sensible steps mentioned in other posts, but if you just wear this [thinkgeek.com] next time you stop by you can cut out that uncomfortable social interaction. Once you walk in, I'm sure the unequivocal statement printed upon your apparel will make your intentions perfectly clear and you can leave without a word!

Just think of the countless other unpleasant conversations you could completely avoid with this method! There's the "I'm cheating on you with your best friend." shirt, or how about "Your mother and I are getting a divorce."? The possibilities are endless!

Re:charge 'em

[bxbaser]

"nubile female relative"

Please Please dont tell me you fix your mom or grandmothers pc.

Re:An idea

[kurzweilfreak]

There's an "outsourced to India" joke SOMEWHERE in there, I can feel it.

Re:A pain in the posterior...

[Fulcrum of Evil]

The company I used to work (let's call them ACROSS)

Hail Ilapalazo!

Re:Avoid the problem altogether

[rjforster]

Do Macs not have scrollbars or something? They did last time I saw them?

No, what she needs is that mythical Movie-OS. You know, the one where nothing goes off screen and emails are sent in a giant animated swooshing envelope.

Sometimes the parents pull rank....

[JakiChan]

My Dad always has called me for help with his Windows machine at work. He us a University professor. I have been a unix admin and now am a router/switch/firewall jockey. Never in my career have I done Windows desktop support.

One time when my dad called me at work with some Windows question I said "Dad, you know they have IT people in your department who not only know Windows but know your systems/network better than I ever would. Maybe they can help you figure this problem out."

His reponse:

"I didn't pay for 4 years of college to get any backchat out of you. Now answer my fucking question!"

That kind of sums it all up.

Why ask us?

[Rashdot]

Why did you come here for free advice?

Can't you see we're busy?

Bad ju-ju error

[shmlco]

"..wave a dead chicken around.."

Back in the day we sold complete business systems based on Apple computers, and one of our developers was having mysterious problems with one program. While trying to track it down he implemented a joke error screen that would pop up and say, "Bad ju-ju error 456. Please wave chicken bones over computer." (456 was a trace number)

Anyway, about six months later we received a call from a customer in Louisiana who said he'd gotten the error message, had been waving said chicken bones for the last half hour, no joy, and what gives?

We explained the situation, but needless to say, the customer was not as amused as we were.

True story.

Re:Try telling them the truth?

[ArsenneLupin]

P.S. This approach also works well with toddlers who want to eat cookies before dinner.

I'm sorry, it's not my responsibility to provide you with cookies before dinner, go pester Mom instead!

Re:Sometimes the parents pull rank....

[Blnky]

An associate of mine had the same response from his parents. His response? "You didn't pay for a degree in Microsoft Windows, so why the f*ck do you think that I know anything about it?" It appeared to get the point across.