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Apple's Fruitful Future 204

Posted by Zonk
from the get-the-joke dept.
Apple's 30th Anniversary is prompting retrospective looks at the company's last three decades. C|Net grounds their look back in the here and now, commenting on lawsuits and competition. ZDNet complains that Apple still isn't in the workplace. The BBC looks at the company's world-changing aspects in a more upbeat story. Nick Irelan wrote in to mention a Forbes piece entitled Apple's Biggest Duds, so you can image what what side that article comes down on. CNN puts the whole thing in perspective, with a balanced look at the company's good and bad points. Finally, if you want some rumourmongering, 192939495969798999 writes "Industry sources have leaked that tomorrow, on the 30th Anniversary of Apple Computer, Steve Jobs will announce that the new intel-based Mac laptops will support dual-booting Windows XP and OS X 10.4."
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Apple's Fruitful Future

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  • by creimer (824291) on Friday March 31, 2006 @05:28PM (#15037279) Homepage
    I can't wait until Apple is 64! And Apple (Beatles) will probably sue them for being 64! :P
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday March 31, 2006 @05:32PM (#15037307)
    April fools!
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday March 31, 2006 @05:47PM (#15037453)
    Can I buy some pot from you, Professor Jennings?
  • Funy Mods (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday March 31, 2006 @05:50PM (#15037477)
    Wht crack head is moderating these posts funny?
  • by Quantum Fizz (860218) on Friday March 31, 2006 @05:55PM (#15037522)
    what they tried to do to my uncle Jimmy Pepper, after he was promoted to Sergeant in the army.
  • by grungebox (578982) on Friday March 31, 2006 @05:57PM (#15037542) Homepage
    Right. Apple produces the Lisa and everyone says "dumb Apple, what a dud." Microsoft produces Windows 1.0 and Windows 2.0 and everyone says "Got to admire Microsoft, they stick to it until they get it right."

    That's true, because if there's one thing I get way too much of around here, it's Microsoft-loving and Apple-bashing.
  • by ZzzzSleep (606571) on Friday March 31, 2006 @06:10PM (#15037637) Homepage Journal
    When I get older, losing disk space, many years from now,
    Will you still use me to send an email line, birthday greetings,
    or slashdot whine?
    If you used me 'till quarter to three, could I crash once more?
    Will you still boot me, will you still root me,
    When I'm sixty-four?

    Hmm------mmm---mmmh.
    You'll be older, too.Aaah, and if you say the word, I could stay
    with you.

    You'll need to be handy, mending a fuse, when my ps is gone.
    You can knit a sweater by the fireside, you can't use me if my chips are fried.
    Going to swap meets, digging for parts, who could ask for more?
    Will you still boot me, will you still root me, when I'm sixty
    four?

    Every summer we can vist one infinite loop, if it's
    not too dear. We shall scrimp and save.
    And sitting on your knee, that newton from e-bay

    Open a shell prompt, drop me a line stating point of view.
    Indicate precisely what you mean to say, yours sincerely wasting
    away.
    Give me your answer, fill in a form, mine forever more.
    Will you still boot me, will you still root me, when I'm sixty
    four?

    *Yeah.... I know it's lame....*
  • by Un pobre guey (593801) on Friday March 31, 2006 @06:28PM (#15037781) Homepage
    Cupertino, CA - 2006-04-01 Apple Computer Corporation announced today what is possibly the single greatest technological advance of the past 500 years. Steve Jobs, accompanied by various lesser industry luminaries were invited to make this solemn announcement before the United Nations Security Council, which was convened in a special emergency session. News networks around the world suspended all other news coverage in order to report and comment live from New York as events unfolded. In the United States, all civil aviation was ordered to remain grounded starting 6 hours prior to the announcement, and remained so until three hours after.

    Industry and commerce ground to a halt throughout the world, as workers, peasants, and billionaire executives alike tuned in to monitor the proceedings on radio, television, internet, and a variety of wireless and satellite communications. Most retail businesses in the United States and Europe were closed for the day, in preparation for the announcement, which was expected to change human civilization as it is currently conceived or understood.

    Clergy from Mecca, to Rome, to Salt Lake City, to Tokyo and beyond paced rooms as they waited and brooded over the vast consequences of the announcement. In many Third World nations, the poor and ignorant masses were so overcome with fear and anxiety, that rioting and mass suicides began to spread on all continents, barely held in check by legions of police and military personnel, tenuously in control of their own emotions.

    The entire planet fell dumb with awe as Jobs made his momentous announcement: Apple Computer had devised a method to capture and process data that was for practical purposes impervious to the causes of erasure and data loss that plague modern computing devices. No amount of electromagnetic fields could cause erasure, and data written with this technology was expected to be readable for a thousand years or more under reasonable storage conditions. Even more mind-boggling, the reading and writing of the data was technology independent. It would not be necessary for users hundreds of years in the future to preserve today's technology. Jobs demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt, the ease with which future generations would be able to access such data.

    The new technology, revolutionary yet environmentally friendly nanotechnology-based laminae of compacted cellulose fiber as the data substrate, and finely machined graphite rods or thin tubes of optically dense viscous gel deposition units, were shown in a variety of decorative colors. Jobs demonstrated a bright yellow substrate which was preformatted with fine rulings on its surface to guide the application of data. He showed data deposition in blue, black, red, and green, and claimed that Apple could provide deposition units in any arbitrary color. The substrate was to be made available in pads of 100 laminae, and the deposition units in boxes of one dozen. Later in the day Staples and Office Depot made surprise announcements of the imminent availability of this technology in their stores worldwide.

  • by feijai (898706) on Friday March 31, 2006 @06:34PM (#15037819)
    Enough about the Lisa thanks. Apple had a go and they got it right in the end.
    There are several unfortunate ways to parse that second sentence.
  • by michaeldot (751590) on Friday March 31, 2006 @06:48PM (#15037906)
    And that's only his nickname, his full name is written in binary.
  • by Orrin Bloquy (898571) on Friday March 31, 2006 @07:21PM (#15038120) Journal
    Wait. You're implying Quark was run by shitheads incapable of keeping up with technology? Are you sure?
  • by Paulo's News (964647) on Friday March 31, 2006 @07:41PM (#15038249) Homepage
    Apple will unveil their new Red State division that will broaden the company's appeal beyond their left-coast latte-drinking white-earbud hipster base.

    The division, headed by Steve Jobs look-alike [paulosnews.com] Tucker Carlson, will begin to bring out new products that cater specifically to this untapped market.

    The new Intel iBooks will feature optional American Flag engraving, Sudden Mud Sensor, and birdshot-proof screen protection.

    Also, all new Macs will have the option to boot up to the traditional Mac startup chime or, for the first time, the Fox News Alert sound effect.

If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming

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