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Stealth Sharks to Patrol the High Seas 331

Posted by samzenpus
from the friggin-laser-beams-not-included dept.
dylanduck writes ""Imagine getting inside the mind of a shark: swimming silently through the ocean, sensing faint electrical fields, homing in on the trace of a scent." That's what the Pentagon wants to do, says New Scientist. By remotely guiding the sharks' movements using a newly designed neural implant, the military hope to transform the animals into stealth spies."
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Stealth Sharks to Patrol the High Seas

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  • Lasers... (Score:5, Funny)

    by thesnarky1 (846799) on Wednesday March 01, 2006 @11:49PM (#14832738) Homepage
    All the sharks need now is lasers, and we'll be all set!
  • Wonderful (Score:5, Insightful)

    by slavemowgli (585321) on Wednesday March 01, 2006 @11:52PM (#14832751) Homepage
    Ah, man: never encumbered by second thoughts about exploiting animals for warfare. Sometimes, I really think "homo arrogans" would be more appropriate (and often quite literally, actually) than "homo sapiens".
    • Didn't I see this in a movie once? (Or twice? Or ten different times?) I'm pretty sure I already know what's going to happen:

      One of the sharks will be smarter than the rest. It will figure out how to escape its captivity, then lead the rest of the sharks in an attack on tasty human morsels. One by one the humans and sharks will destroy each other. At the end of the movie, the hero/heroine will defeat the Big Bad shark with something lame like a live wire. The sharky explodes in gibblets and everyone lives h
      • Didn't I see this in a movie once? (Or twice? Or ten different times?) I'm pretty sure I already know what's going to happen: One of the sharks will be smarter than the rest. It will figure out how to escape its captivity, then lead the rest of the sharks in an attack on tasty human morsels. One by one the humans and sharks will destroy each other. At the end of the movie, the hero/heroine will defeat the Big Bad shark with something lame like a live wire. The sharky explodes in gibblets and everyone live
    • Re:Wonderful (Score:2, Interesting)

      by 4e617474 (945414)
      Ah, man:

      As opposed to the numerous other species you've known that make weighty moral decisions as they ponder their place in the world? Animals kept by humans experience a huge range of living conditions from the luxurious to the truly dreadful. Animals that people use for military purposes throughout histor have been by and large kept very, very well for a time than thrown into chaotic situations where they face dismemberment and death. The big change from living in the wild is the first part of tha
    • Re:Wonderful (Score:3, Informative)

      by Wyatt Earp (1029)
      Well actually, Man is encumbered by second thoughts about using animals for warfare, at least the United States has a clear record of caring for thier war animals, honoring thier deaths and caring for them.

      ""Thousands and thousands of dogs have given their lives for their handlers," said John Burnam, president of the Vietnam Dog Handlers Association and author of Dog Tags of Courage, a book detailing his experience as a handler in Vietnam. "They should be honored for their bravery and courage. A national me
      • You are entirely correct sir. I am entertained that you have 2 other replies from ACs that have no clue what they are talking about. There was another recent story where, I believe, the Army dog handler gal was injured and the army retired her dog early so they could stay together. EVERY military dog/handler pair I have met are very attached to eachother. The dogs are extremely loyal, and the handlers are very protective and treat the animals very well, not as just weapons as the AC seems to think. I h
    • Best you don't think to much on where hamburgers come from then.
    • Ah, man: never encumbered by second thoughts about exploiting animals for warfare.

      Maybe it's just the close proximity to the Monty Python poll, but my immediate mental flash was:

      Mooooooo... "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAAAY!.... Thud!

    • Ah, man: never encumbered by second thoughts about exploiting animals for warfare.
      Why, what's wrong with that? Humans have, throughout history, used dogs, horses, elephants, camels in overt warfare. Poisonous snakes were also sometimes used covertly. Pigeons were (and are [ietf.org]) used for communication... Even bacteria and viruses were weapons.

      Why should we suddenly have qualms about sharks?

    • They will feel enlightening new experiences, like knowing what it feels like being caught, having your fins cut out with a machette and being thrown overboard.

      I just hope they enjoty the ride, I'm not sure the sharks do.
  • "from the friggin-laser-beams-not-included dept."

    No fair, the editor got in the stealth shark with friggin laser beams on head first post!

    In Post Austin Powers Slashdot, Lasers frig up Stealth Sharks.
    • "from the friggin-laser-beams-not-included dept."

      No fair, the editor got in the stealth shark with friggin laser beams on head first post!

      You can console yourself by pointing out that it's "frikkin-laser-beams" not "friggin-laser-beams".

      A minor distinction, but an important one.
  • Will they be effective against Yuri's boomer subs?
  • from now on I'm going to have to worry if my new puppy is secretly reporting back to the NSA. No wonder the little bastard is so inquisitive ...
  • Didn't that project failed when their top shark, Dick Cheney, missed the correct target and bagged a lawyer instead?
  • At the bottom of the page, there is a discussion of controlling the motion of farmed fish, which would allow them to be kept outside of cages. When it was time to harvest them, they'd assemble for harvesting. Otherwise they'd be free to swim around and spread their toxic fish waste, which would be better for the environment.
  • by lheal (86013)
    It might be interesting to teach the sharks some tricks, like jumping through rings and doing neat flips and stuff. Man, I just love it when the dolphins do that at the zoo. Real heartwarming stuff. Might help the shark image, I'd bet.

    But it would be really interesting if the sharks could learn to communicate with us using the technology. Not sure how it would work, but it would be great if the sharks were more than just droids.

    • From what I understand from watching "Shark Week" on the Discovery channel, sharks are dumber than a box of rocks. Even if we could somehow read their thoughts, I don't know we'd get anything meaningful.
      • sharks are dumber than a box of rocks.

        That is so homocentric! They aren't dumb, it's just that their vast intelligence is focused on other things, like eating boots and anchors and stuff.

        I think we should embrace our shark friends, and give them the love they never had as ... little sharks. Then maybe they wouldn't eat us just for swimming around in their pantry.

    • Also of note. Many of the things we train dolphins to do are things that would do naturally. All we can really accomplish is having them do it at our command. Sharks don't do flips in the wild, unless they get hit by something or by some other accidental force.

      Even if we could I don't think it will improve their image much. First because dolphins are mammals we tend to have a better connection with them, They have similar eyes and similar reaction and make connections with us. Sharks are much different
  • I am sure these are going to be great stealth spies, thanks to the sonar used to control them. HELLO SPY SHARK, PLEASE ENTER THE PORT AHEAD!
  • Stem Cells, no, that'd be immoral.

    Mind control steal sharks? Sure.

    It's all priorities.
  • I remember reading something, I think it was in Nature, about a project to manipulate sharks brains to study Alzheimer's. It didn't work out so well and some people died. The govenment tried to hush in up, but this documentary [imdb.com] is available and contains some chilling footage.

    I hope this new project is run with much stricter controls.

  • The Soviets already tried doing that with dolphins. They best they managed was to train them to patrol ports. They would bump their nose into a diver that wasn't supposed to be there. If they had a poison spike they could have been used to kill. They also did research into "wiretapping" their brains and turning them into something similar to the sharks in this story.

    I think that shark are way cool though, they just need lasers on their heads, and you can't beat that...

  • Hollywood Stock Exchange IPO Needed:

    Deep Blue Sea [imdb.com] 2

    (it is freaking SCARY that I was talking about that movie mere seconds before this popped up on RSS :))
  • by Eric_Cartman_South_P (594330) on Thursday March 02, 2006 @12:55AM (#14832948)
    As an American, I don't want lower taxes, better public transportation, or *gasp* national health care. No, I want to connect to sharks with VNC. What a fucking country.
    • Everyone with their national healthcare, as if it's some, so to speak, magical cure to what ails us. Fuck that.

      Stealth sharks fricken' rock. :-) Gimme more of those.

    • Maybe if the shark had a lazer mounted in its forehead??? :-)
    • I don't want lower taxes, better public transportation, or *gasp* national health care. No, I want to connect to sharks with VNC.

      I get your point, and I don't entirely disagree, but it's worth pointing out that you gain a HUGE personal benefit from our country's predilection for defense spending. To be blunt, whether you are a peacenik or a warhawk, the fact that you live in the hands-down most powerful country on the planet has amazing advantages. I'm not saying I'm proud of what we do all the time (*cou
      • What are these benefits that only we Americans get, exactly? I think I missed that day in civics.
        • What are these benefits that only we Americans get, exactly?

          I started answering this question as though you wanted one, then decided you probably don't. If you don't see the tangible benefits of being American then you are either too young to be able to understand or too far lost to the ideological left to want to understand. Sufficed to say, you should ask yourself why people are killing themselves every day for a chance to get into this country. They aren't stupid. They see something you seem unwilli
          • Yes. Civics is where you learn the benefits that we have as citizens. What benefits do we have that other countries don't?

            Although trite, I seriously do want an answer for what you think we have that other developed countries don't. It's as if you think that we're the ONLY country with an immigration problem. (We aren't.)

            I really do want an answer and I'm especially interested in a comparison to western European countries.
    • Damned skippy! The taxes, public trans, and healthcare are part of the price you pay for being the only nation to have remote control stealth sharks! How can you possibly be upset with this!? Every evil geek dreams of something like this! STEALTH SHARKS! Come on man! How cool is that?!

      Maybe they could be used along our southeastern coastlines to help curb illegal immigration too! See, cost reduction for the tax payer. Free food for the sharks, less money lost to illegal immigrants not payin taxes
    • I don't want lower taxes, better public transportation, or *gasp* national health care.

      One of these things is not like the others,
      One of these things just doesn't belong,
      Can you tell which thing is not like the others
      By the time I finish my song?
    • "As an American, I don't want lower taxes, better public transportation, or *gasp* national health care. No, I want to connect to sharks with VNC. What a fucking country."

      Haha, you want "lower taxes" AND "national healthcare". HAHAHAA.
      Talk to the Canadians about how great national healthcare is...they love waiting 1-2 years for treatment.
      • Talk to the Canadians about how great national healthcare is...they love waiting 1-2 years for treatment.

        Is that what Bill O'Reilly told you they do?

        Look at the facts... Canada has a higher life expectancy (which is also rising at a faster rate) and lower infant mortality rate than the United States does. The United States has 40 million people without healthcare, and yet Americans spend a higher percentage of their income for healthcare than the Canadians do (because their system is so much more effi
        • Further stats from a recent Economist article. The US is up to 16% of
          its GDP spent on health care in 2004 (more if you count the tax break
          US firms get for offering health care coverage to their employees).
          Canada spends just under 10% of its GDP on health care and gets better
          health outcomes (e.g. longevity). Of that 16% of GDP in the US, the
          government picks up over 6% for the elderly, poor and veterans (and pays
          inflated prices set by the "for profit" sector).

          Health care inflation outstrips the general inflat
    • Personally, I'm in favor of the shark program. I imagine one day being able to use my 2400 baud modem to hack into the computer controlling them, being asked if I want to play a game of chess, answering no and opting instead for the really cool shark sim game, and unknowingly unleashing a remote controlled shark army on the world. Ah, the good days.
    • Imagine there's no heaven,
      It's easy if you try,
      No hell below us,
      Above us only sky,
      Imagine all the people
      living for today...

      Imagine there's no countries,
      It isn't hard to do,
      Nothing to kill or die for,
      No religion too,
      Imagine all the people
      living life in peace...

      Imagine no possesions,
      I wonder if you can,
      No need for greed or hunger,
      A brotherhood of man,
      Imagine all the people
      Sharing all the world...

      You may say I'm a dreamer,
      but I'm not the only one,
      I hope some day you'll join us,
      And the world will live as one.
  • by macsox (236590)
    maybe we should start by trying to create human stealth spies, eh, miss plame?
  • by njchick (611256) on Thursday March 02, 2006 @01:10AM (#14832997) Journal
    my gut feeling is telling me that Pentagon is more likely to succeed at making zombie sharks than NASA at launching three more shuttles this year.
  • I suppose if the shark has a friggin laser turret on its head and it gets hungry, we'll have to update the meaning of "fish fry"...

    And, if the shark gets to THRASHIN' round and round while the beam's active, we could update the meaning of "fish n' chips"...

    Now, if the FRENCH get in on this stupefying, hare-brained military idea, and THEIR shark tags your ass, you'd be "French Fried"...

    But, the lameos in congress (the opposite of PROgress) will get an executive order signed to rename US laser kills as "Freed
  • Joke used to be if you were an expert fisherman, you were a master baiter.

    Now, when these sharks get equipped with lasers and get really good at laser tag, who'll be the master baiter? The human that trained them, or the shark? Or, the generals strokin up and down the deep corridors of the pentuhgun?
  • Stealth sharks are the fraking coolest idea I've heard in 2006 so far.

    God bless the military industrial complex. :-)

    That almost beats the radio control planes accessorized with Hellfire missiles.

    Now where is that power armor already? We're waiting, Pentagon!

  • I guess it's just beyond most human beings intellectual capacity to just get a fucking clue. This ranks right up there with the rest of the dumb fucking things our military does with innocent animals. I could go on endlessly about the things humans do to animals, but then, most of you out there would label me as some wacko animal rights terrorist.

    It's beyond bad enough the industrial farming institutions have most people brain washed to believe that eating animals and animal products is "good" for you. When
    • by johnMG (648562)

      I guess it's just beyond most human beings intellectual capacity to just get a fucking clue. This ranks right up there with the rest of the dumb fucking things our military does with innocent animals.

      It's not *just* that people are dumb. They are. But they also don't *want* to know what they do to animals (or causes others to do to animals on their behalf).

      For example, offer to show someone a short video of what goes on in an abattoir. Almost guaranteed they will refuse. Tell them you don't think eatin

      • by Nonillion (266505)
        I guess it's just beyond most human beings intellectual capacity to just get a fucking clue. This ranks right up there with the rest of the dumb fucking things our military does with innocent animals.
        It's not *just* that people are dumb. They are. But they also don't *want* to know what they do to animals (or causes others to do to animals on their behalf).
        For example, offer to show someone a short video of what goes on in an abattoir. Almost guaranteed they will refuse. Tell them you don't think eating mea
        • You know, I like meat. And so to be true to
          myself I did in the past watch videos from
          slaughterhouses to see if my mind would change.
          Nope. I do sometimes get hungry watching
          birds and cows getting killed. I remember
          having this argument with a coworker of mine
          who was a kind of PETA nutjob. I used to
          tease him for weeks with a jesture of
          smacking a chicken against a wall.
          This circa two years ago so it is
          unlikely that my vews have changed or the
          video test got old.
          BTW, cruelty to animals usually makes the
          resulting
        • Preach it brother, preach it. But it's not just animals.

          You know - I used to eat fruits, vegetables and the likes. Then one day I saw how people treat these living things. Cutting into them with knives, killing their offspring right next to them, eating their offspring before the plants themselves have even let go of them. Some would even abuse them sexually, I kid you not.

          So now I'm on day 17 of my refusal to not only eat anything from an animal, but also anything from a plant. So far it's going okay. I've
        • For example, offer to show someone a short video of what goes on in an abattoir. Almost guaranteed they will refuse. Tell them you don't think eating meat is wrong -- you just want them to see what goes on for them to be able to eat that McBurger. See if they'd be willing (not even "curious", just *willing*) to see how the fowl are slaughtered.

          Video, pah... I think everyone who eats meat should be required to actually kill, clean and cook an animal, at least once, with their own hands. It'd probably tur

        • But, all that changed forever when I watched an undercover video showing some of the most deplorable acts violence committed against an innocent sow on a pig farm in North Carolina. These guys were yelling and screaming expletives at her, beating her with pipe wrenches and gate rods, sexually molesting her with a steel rod. And then to add insult to injury, smashed her over the head with a cinder block, it was then they started to skin and dismember her while she was still alive.

          that was some redneck assho

    • Yeah - it really stinks that humans have started using animals for war purposes.

      I heard about this new innovation that the Pentagon is trying. The "armed man on a horse" concept is expected to give greater speed to U.S. troops, while greatly extending the range of patrols. Army spokesmen are salivating at the concept.

  • Really, you can tell the Pentagon is getting smarter.

    While there were probably many different sea animals they could have chosen (namely mammals), they selected the most repulsive and potentially horrifying animal with which to perform their research and development. If these were cute cuddly dolphins, the US media would go apesh.t with Flipper Reruns and talk of barbarism, not to mention the eco-outcry. Instead, most of us had the ominous Jaws theme repeating in our brains as we read the article, so most
  • Oh for crying out loud! Chum the waters, kill the sharks, hazard avoided by the enemy. Stupid government been watching Austin Powers again haven't they.
  • Ethical (Score:2, Insightful)

    by Martin_2006 (958323)
    "That team is among a number of groups around the world that have gained ethical approval to develop implants that can monitor and influence the behaviour of animals, from sharks and tuna to rats and monkeys."

    Presumably the same body that granted ethical approval for that fine effort in Guantanamo Bay.

  • There's a Belgian comic book author who has prior art on this: cover picture [dupuis.com] ! It was a pretty daft idea back then too, though :-) .
  • by perrin (891)
    The moment another big power learns of such an effort (say China or Russia), sharks would quickly go extinct, as they would start killing sharks indiscriminately around their fleet bases and fleets at sea. It would in effect make sharks a military target that could be attacked at will in times of peace. That would be horribly unethical. Many shark species are already facing extinction.
  • Another option could also be to use seagulls.
    Once they have genetically modified them and have the neural implant stuck into their brains, the DoD can have a good aerial view and even drop chemically aggressive shits from the skies!
  • I've just got visions of G. W. bush sitting in his office, demanding fricking sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads.
  • ... who in WWII trained dogs with explosives to run to tanks and detonate their charges. When they deployed them against german tanks, the dogs immediately made U-turns and headed for the russian tanks quite a distance away, and managed to destroy quite a few of those.

    The russians had obviously underestimated the dogs intelligence. The were able to distinguish the differances between a russian and a german tank, and had been trained with russian tanks ... talk about explode in your face.
  • next up... humans (Score:3, Interesting)

    by humina (603463) on Thursday March 02, 2006 @06:13AM (#14833640) Homepage
    I am familiar with this research project and turned down an opportunity to have worked on it. The thing is the pentagon wants to develop these shark brain implants so that they could one day be used in humans. Congress shut down the BMI section of darpa (brain machine Interface). It got renamed to something fluffy like neural interfaces research group. The whole purpose of it is to be able to implant a device in someones brain so that the pentagon can read a signal on what they are thinking. I would rather work for NIH on a brain implant to help restore neural activity for the disabled instead of making tools for war.
  • Let's think about it. If the Pentagon REALLY wanted to do this, would we hear about it before-hand? I doubt it. Look at the SR-71, Stealth Bomber, and Stealh Fighter. We found out about those AFTER they were done and in use. Something tells me this is just a ploy to scare the baddies. Oh, they might actually do it, but is their goal intimidation, or actual stealth snooping.
  • So now opposing militaries will devise chemicals or biologicals to rid the oceans of sharks during wartime. World War III may not just destroy all land life (except ants), it may also destroy all sea life.
  • Are those Sharks with Laser beams attached to their heads? Scotty, that is the best gift!
  • So, in the end, it will amount to nothing more than the extenction of the species. Once anyone who does not want to be spied on finds out that sharks might be spys, they will set out to hunt and kill any shark they find. In the end the sharks will be extinct and the program will be back to square one, but then maybe eyeing some other sea life to put into the same situation as a replacement.

    Nice job guys. Way to think ahead.

  • hmm, this just seems not right, but at least they should install some device that blows the shark finning boat up in case they catch one of these brain controlled sharks ...
  • Well, this story sure makes quite a number of really awful sci-fi/horror flicks much less retarded in hindsight.
  • Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_Kitty [wikipedia.org]
  • Didn't I see this movie already? It ended badly for the lead scientist and the money guy. To say nothing of a number of innocent people that were in the water at the time.

    Has TV gotten so bad that now the government has to do remakes of bad movies instead of leaving that to Hollywood?
  • Your days of struggling like a wounded or dying fish are over. If you so much as take one more bath in a chum bucket - BAM! You won't evven know what hit you.

    Ha!

    We've got you now. Bastards.
  • Instead of investing untold millions in some fantasy war games, how about the US govt puts some muscle into protecting sharks, which are rapidly declining thanks to scumbag nations like China and Japan who routinely "fin" millions of sharks every year because they're stupid enought to think it's a sign of prosperity or an aphrodesiac. Meanwhile, they're destroying the oceans and are nearing a point where a top predator is going to be eliminated and unleashing who-knows-what on the oceans' ecosystems. Then w
  • ... is what the US government spends annually on spying [infoshop.org]: obviously way too much. I mean, do we really need zombie sharks? A real hair-brained idea if I ever heard one. It'll never work. Most likely it's just a way to keep a couple of unimaginative researchers from loosing their jobs. I say leave the poor animals be; with the shark fin industry and everything they have it hard enough as it is these days.
  • Judging from the rate that sharks are being fished to their limit I'd say the most likely thing the DOD will get data on is a fishing net. Once again when April 15 passes it will be with a sense that my government is pissing away my money.

    "General, we have reason to believe that Al-Queda is recruiting lobsters!"

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