We Don't Need No Stinkin' Broadband

Ant writes "eMarketer has an article on The Yankee Group's analysis on why some Americans aren't feeling the broadband love. It was based on Ipsos Public Affairs. 45% of Americans say it's simply too expensive. 30% say that they just don't want it. 14% say they feel dial-up is adequate for their needs. Less than 10% are not able to get broadband access in their area. Five percent insist broadband is "too complicated". Another 5% aren't even sure why they don't have it..."

Broadband

[Psychor]

29% of broadband users needed to refresh Slashdot more rapidly so that they could obtain a first post.

Too fast...

[kihjin]

Nothing for you to see here. Please move along.

TCP seems to be querying things that haven't even happened yet!

30%

[Eightyford]

30% say that they just don't want it.

Old people...

Why, back in my day!

[Bananatree3]

14.4k was for the rich, and we were lucky enough to even own a computer! Harrumph, these techie-wizbang whipper snappers...downloading everything in sight, always wanting things FASTER and FASTER!. Harrumph I say.

Re:30%

[Tablizer]

Old people.......have mod points too. Good luck.
           

Re:Broadband

[kihjin]

and 0.0000001% actually do it.

Animated Gifs and Porn

[Tablizer]

The reason for the lackluster demand is that animated gifs make perfectly good porn. Most porn is just back and forth movements of the same kind over and over. Animated gifs can repeat the same 10 frames over and over for the same effect. What is needed is to transform people into a species that has more varied sexual movements, such as figure 8's that morph into W's, etc. Butterflies have the right idea; they do it in the air in a frenzied dizzy kind of sky dance (although JavaScript may be able to mimic this without lots of frames). As usual, the real problem is the damned humans. Until the marketing department figures this out, they will continue to drive Honda Civics.

Re:dial up really isn't that bad

[Tablizer]

Th scrt to usng dlup efctvly is to skp lttrs. Tngs ld fstr whn u skp lttrs.

Re:30%

[EnronHaliburton2004]

Old people...

Maybe they don't want to pay $25.00 a month (Plus the FUSF fee, plus the taxes at $49.99/month, plus some sales tax for some equipment which you never used) to have the ability to browse an Internet full of advertisements.

Back in my day, a cup of coffee cost $0.50. Now it costs $2.50 at Starbucks and they burn the fucking beans. $2.50 for burnt coffee? And you get the pleasure of standing in line for 10 minutes, because all of the other coffee shops shut down.

"It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it [goodasgold.com]. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend." It's a special bean from Argentina....."

Hey, I remember this story!

[ThomK]

Repeat [slashdot.org], 2 years in the making.

Also: I don't know what all the bitching is about (from the old story): Even President Bush jumped into the fray last month, calling for affordable, universal high-speed access by 2007.

I mean he *CALLED* for it people, and it's just one year away.

Re:30%

[R.Mo_Robert]

In Korea, only old people use broadband!

Re:Why so expensive?

[EnronHaliburton2004]

So what's up south of the border?

Free market! How dare you suggest we aren't getting the best of the best service! Why, I can get a cell phone plan in the States for $30/month + $10/month in extra fees. I go to Europe and they pay 10-Euros/month.

Those communist fools!

And someone slipped me a Canadian nickel today...

Re:The biggest danger of broadband

[QuantumG]

Or to put it another way: you get addicted to the porn.

Broadband not enough.

[Anonymous Coward]

3 years, and Zombo [zombo.com] still hasn't finished loading.

A Practical View...

[Statecraftsman]

I need broadband because I'm used to it and I don't want to waste my time with dialup. For many, who don't use the internet for their jobs and don't see how the cost can be offset by the supposed benefits, it's hard to justify spending another $20 or more for broadband. Maybe we just need to get everyone an "earn a fortune with your ebay business" package they'll subscribe in due course.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Broadband!

[Anonymous Coward]

Who needs highspeed anyway, just open the window and shout louder. At my house we have the tried and true can-and-string network, it seems fast enough for most uses. When real speed is needed, just send a carrier pigeon.

Re:56Kb/s isn't that bad if ads are blocked

[Anonymous Coward]

The primary use of broadband is to deliver ads. At the consumer's expense.

And porn. Porn and ads. Ads and porn.

The two main uses of broadband are to deliver ads and porn. And torrents of pirated videos. The *THREE* main uses of broadband are for copying torrents, watching porn, delivering ads, and shopping for geeky bargains on Newegg.

The four.. no, Our four... no, of the four... no... amongst the four.... no, amongst the primary uses of the internet are such elements as...

I'll come in again...

        -- stolen shamelessly from Monty Python's 'Spanish Inquisition' sketch.

Re:56Kb/s isn't that bad if ads are blocked

[MarkByers]

Sites that work just fine at 56K:

        * Google
        * eBay
        * Slashdot
        * Fandango (movie tickets)
        * FedEx
        * Digi-Key
        * Craigslist
        * Yahoo


Only 8 sites? No wonder so many people are switching to broadband.

Re:Hey, I remember this story!

[Anonymous Coward]

What country do we need to invade to make that happen?

Re:heh?

[Duhavid]

Clickity click click...

Not any more.

BOFH ( comcast )

Re:Why, back in my day!

[calculadoru]

14.4k was for the rich, and we were lucky enough to even own a computer

Luxury! We only had an abacus each, which we tried together with string!

Re:Why, back in my day!

[plaxion]

pffft! In my day 1200 baud modems were for the rich, 300 baud Hayes were for the upper middle class and the rest of us tapped out binary on tins cans that were strung together. The original PPP (Peasant to Peasant Protocol) specification used to be one tap for 1 and no taps for 0, but after the great flame war that ensued when Timmy mistook Dan's message as being a derogitory comment about his sister, PPPv2 was developed and one tap meant 0 and a quick double tap meant 1. Fortunately for us, it was only a software upgrade as Cambell's coupons were scare back then.

Conclusions:

[Vo0k]

45% of Americans say it's simply too expensive.
30% say that they just don't want it.
14% say they feel dial-up is adequate for their needs.
10% are not able to get broadband access in their area.
05% percent insist broadband is "too complicated".
05% aren't even sure why they don't have it..."
===
109% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Re:The inevitable killer app comment

[matt21811]

The killer app is the same as it is always has been since the invention of the internet.

Pornography.

Re:Conclusions:

[Sentry21]

That's nothing, these are just the reasons quoted in the writeup. The actual statistics from the article add up to 141.18%. I can understand being 2% off maybe, due to rounding, but I can't see any reason for a rounding error of 41.18%.

Re:Broadband

[Mike Savior]

My father was a virgin, you insensitive clod!

Re:Why so expensive?

[Villain]

So what's up south of the border?


What the hell does Mexico have to do with this?

Re:Conclusions:

[Anonymous Coward]

> 45% of Americans say it's simply too expensive.
> 30% say that they just don't want it.
> 14% say they feel dial-up is adequate for their needs.
> 10% are not able to get broadband access in their area.
> 05% percent insist broadband is "too complicated".
> 05% aren't even sure why they don't have it..."
> ===
> 109% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

s/Americans/slashdotters/g
s/dial-up/wanking/g
s/broadband/sex/g