Train Your Own Replacement

An anonymous reader writes "Yahoo reports on how some employers are asking the workers they're laying off to train their foreign replacements - having them dig their own unemployment graves. 'Almost one in five information technology workers has lost a job or knows someone who lost a job after training a foreign worker, according to a new survey by the Washington Alliance of Technology Workers.' It looks like a real dilemma where if you refuse to hire your replacement, you are fired without severance and are ineligible for unemployment benefits, and if you quit, you don't receive severance and are ineligible for unemployment."

Train My Replacement?

[ackthpt]

Train My Replacement?

Sorry, it's not in my job description.

I'm a pornstar...

[Anonymous Coward]

I don't have to worry about 'training' my replacement.

Greetings?

[CelticWhisper]

How do you introduce yourself in a situation like that? "Hi Apu, how are ya? They're outsourcing me to...you!"

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Anonymous Crowhead]

Sorry, it's not in my job description.

Good advice. Someone please try it and report back. That is, if you can afford an internet connection after you are fired without severance or unemployment benefits.

BOFH

[AbbyNormal]

Cmon people...Start Training the BOFH way!

BOFH: "In order to make sure that your computer is operating at its full capacity, you must daily feed your monitor water whilst holding down the degauss button".

Trainee over phone:" Sir, this is no problem.." ***BZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzTTttttttttttttt***

BOFH: "Next trainee. I'm going to like being replaced".

This is pretty simple

[Bobdoer]

Step one: learn that you're being replaced.
Step two: train your trainee to be incompetent.
Step three: laugh at the karmic justice of them firing you for being expensive and getting a useless employee in return.
Step four: read the classified ads and fail to find a new job.

At least both you and the company are screwed.

My Stapler!...

[Himring]

Fine! But Rasheed is not getting my red stapler!...

Re:A third option

[AbbyNormal]

Rules for my job.

1.) All code must be placed on a single line.
2.) No comments are necessary...they take up space.
3.) When in doubt, use a com object reptitively.
4.) When in doubt, abbreviate. getFormName, should be: getFormName.
5.) Safe threading is for cowards. Let the threads duke it out...Its the manly way.
6.) Try not to use "if" or "for" statements. They take too much time.

In Soviet Russia...

[hords]

Your replacement trains you!

Re:Train them poorly

[falzer]

Yep. Get them started on reading Slashdot their first day.

how to train one's replacement

[0WaitState]

CVS? Nah, we tried that but it didn't work. We're using visual source safe now.

Ok, first you model everything down each class and method level in UML, then you apply the elaboration bongfizzle according to rational unified process...

We're targeting this release to run on the Longhorn codebase...

I'm sorry, but you must adhere to the *letter* of the EJB spec. That means you cannot use java.io.*, cannot have worker threads, no socket communication, scheduled events, or application lifecycle events.

You absolutely must check in everything before you go home at the end of the day. That way you don't lose anything if your workstation dies. Build failures? No problem, someone will fix it before you get in the next day.

You can start coding as soon as you acquire linux licenses from SCO...

Re:A third option

[NoMoreNicksLeft]

In this job market? That's like being thrown out of the plane without a parachute, and failing to grab the "mixed drink umbrella" at the door.

There are those that will claim it's "better than nothing" and you shouldn't pass up the chance to grab one, but really, be honest. How much good can it possibly do you?

I would start by teaching them our local customs

[Anonymous Coward]

Like our acceptance of public masturbation.

Employer taking the piss? right back at them!

[t_allardyce]

Remember the phrase 'slow learner'? well if your on the payroll to teach your replacement, and your worried that mis-training them will get you in to trouble, just remember the phrase 'slow teacher'! you could spend a whole year just teaching someone, very very very slowly and extra extra carefully, every single detail of your system until they kill themselves out of bordem. Then you can get started on the next one ;)

Re:A third option

[cybermace5]

I can't answer the thing about the mixed-drink umbrella, but I bet McGyver could....

Re:The Ultimate Plan

[Lumpy]

step 5 call in a tip to your local Business Software Alliance to the suspected Software piracy that is happening in the company... and then cal OSHA about the unsafe working conditions, finally the Local city inspectors about the "improvements" made without a permit 2 months ago...

That will cost the company at least $5000.00 in fines, and will make all management's life hell for at least 3 weeks.

Oh and I dont care what your company does, you do not leave a BSA audit woughot a settlement or fine. same for OSHA...

Solution to outsourcing: Tax credits

[WCMI92]

Tax CREDITS for employers, equal to 1.5 times their payroll that is made up of US citizens or those with permanent residency (ie: "green card") to apply to the corporate tax.

The corporate tax is a farce anyway, it's not REAL revenue to the government, as it is treated as an EXPENSE that comes out of the pockets of other taxpayers who are customers or employees of the corporation.

This would level the playing field because it would INCENTIVIZE companies to use US labor (and all those extra paychecks would easily make up for the tax revenue lost), and it would allow existing companies to play by today's rules if they so choose.

It would also incentivize higher salaries, as the more a company pays their employees, the greater their tax savings!

I really think this is a great idea, but I have no clue as to how to try to get it to someone's attention who can do something about it.

Re:A third option

[nomadic]

6.) Try not to use "if" or "for" statements. They take too much time.

Agreed, better to replace them with "if" then "goto" statements...

Re:Train My Replacement?

[jazman_777]

train him WRONG... fricking screw them as hard as they are screwing you.

Yes, and as Nixon said: "if two wrongs don't make a right, try three." No, he didn't really say that.

Re:Employer taking the piss? right back at them!

[nomadic]

"Well it's only been 7 weeks and we're done with the int variable. Tomorrow we'll start with float, that's going to take a little longer, it's a much more complicated subject. And don't forget to start Bertrand Russell's Principia Mathematica tonight, you'll definitely need the background."

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Brandybuck]

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit...

Me: "This is a partial specialization of a member template using RTTI to handle exceptions thrown by the descriptor class when it blocks on release."

Raj: "But I only know Java!"

Bad?? This is good!!

[MongooseCN]

Training your replacement should be FUN! Train him/her to do things like:

Setting defrag to run on all employees computer at midafternoon. Daily.

Enforce the strictest of password protocols and refuse to let employees write their passwords down. (For security reasons)

Keep all ports open on the firewall. The more ports that are open, the more openings for data to flow through!

To save bandwidth when sending large documents, only type a short message like "Here is the document you requested!". Make sure not to patch Outlook before you do this since patches slow things down.

For security reasons, keep the wireless router locked in a metal cabinet.

Those are just some of the many ways to make sure your training leaves a lasting impression on the company that once helped put food on your table.

OK Rabindra listen up here's how to do my job.....

[Anonymous Coward]

1) Show up 5 minutes late after parking in a good spot.

2) Stop by the watercooler/coffee machine.

3) Say hello to all the coworkers that your cool with before taking your seat.

4) Before taking your seat make it look like you just came from the toilet and were not late so the boss doesn't hassle you.

5) Check your e-mail minus any company memos.

6) Start working on something important.

7) If you can't find anything to do then act like your working.

8)Lunch time ....come back 5 minutes late and leave 5 minutes early.

9) Get back to work for real this time.

10) Check e-mail again and delete those company memos.

11) Talk to coworkers about the latest rumors and other bullshit.

12) Time to go home.

Re:But...

[nomadic]

Quick, name a job that doesn't take a few days for someone to at least feel that he could take over your job given that you have the same academic education?

Professional boxer. Rodeo bull rider. Riverboat gambler. Assassin.

Re:BOFH

[pla]

You forgot the most useful option...

"Okay, now, log in to our CVS archive server... Oh, you don't have an account yet? Well, just use root for now, with password blah".

Now, have them do some random crap until the right moment comes up (namely, a nearby coworker, while composing an email, missed a space between two words and didn't catch it).

"Okay, now very carefully follow my next few instructions, because you can do some serious damage on this machine... We need to clear out some junk on /tmp, so type 'r', 'm', 'space', 'slash' [pause here a moment, reach over to your coworker, point at their typo, and say...] 'SPACE' [pause another moment, then describe some harmless path off of /tmp]. Okay, now hit return. This might take a minute, the crap can really build up there..."

And, you can consider your replacement well trained, with plausible deniability that your trainee simply "misheard" you giving a suggestion to a coworker, and took it too literally.


Train my replacement... Yeah, right. Cold day in Hades I'll train my replacement!

Re:A third option

[robi2106]

You don't understand the nightmare of a creation I have made. A 1600 line indows batch file that operates in both command line and prompted input modes which calls another 10 or so batch files (total of 5000 lines or so) to automate Visual Studio project builds.

I can GoTo like the day is long baby!

jason

April Fools

[demachina]

I'm pretty sure this must be a late April Fools Joke. I've never seen any evidence anyone working customer support in India has ever been trained by anybody.

Re:Be careful

[jmulvey]

Alternatively, can you get something from your boss that will be useful to you?
Yeah, a whole bunch of hardware to sell on eBay is a good start!

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Stopmotioncleaverman]

Train my replacement?

Do I look like a Sith lord?

Re:Sabotage would be awfully tempting!

[sydb]

What you don't hear about is the less-than-great men who forgot to stop it.

Re:Train My Replacement?

[macdaddy357]

Train them incorrectly so they will break everything they touch. They will end up costing the blood-sucking bosses money. Either that, or go postal.

Lesson 1

[GeneralCern]

Why yes, my login name is rm -R *. It was my mother's maiden name.

Re:Train My Replacement?

[BJZQ8]

An individual that I know that is retired from a factory did something similar; when the company wanted him to train some "temporary replacements" for a strike. He was a machinist and ran very expensive, very large machines. Among these was a Jig Bore, a very large machine something like a vertical mill. It had powered axes, but had been rigged by some electricians to have its vertical power axis control on the back of the panel. The original knob on the front was a "dummy" and not hooked to anything. This was fine, as he knew about it. He didn't tell his "replacement" about it, however, and when the strike ensued, he turned the machine off and put it on maximum down feed. When they came back from the prolonged strike, the machine had a huge chunk out of its bed...where someone had turned on the machine and watched helplessly as it rammed its cutter into the table.

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Fulcrum of Evil]

Absolut Vodka corrupts absolutely.

And what's worse, Grey Goose evaporates! I can never keep a bottle around more than a day.

Ob. Simpsons Quote

[swingkid]

"If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way." - Homer J.

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Glonoinha]

Bah!
Train him.
Become his best buddy. He is going to need a friend here as he is a stranger in a strange land.
Take him out to experience fine American food.
Introduce him to tequila. Lots and lots of tequila.
While the tequila is flowing teach him 'drinking games' and insure that he will blow a .20 BAC.
Make sure he gets home safe and sound by sitting in the passenger seat navigating while he drives home. Navigate him past all the friendly police officers.

Nothing says loving like a DWI. God forbid the cops find a baggie of mariwa... maryjuan... mauriwan... shit. God forbid the cops find cocaine in his jacket pocket when they pat him down. Those pesky foreigners and their drugs. Welcome to PMITA prison.

Only way to make it even funnier is you being totally sober at the time.

If you are going to dream, dream big.

Being trainned by the guy I'm going to replace?

[Felinoid]

Old Employee "Hello I'm the guy currently doing the job you will be doing."
New Employee "Ok"
Old "See this big 'Do not press' button? Push it once and hour on the hour"
New "Whats it do?"
Old (under breath) "Turns off every server in the building"
New "What? I can't hear you"
Old "Oh it just keeps everything working."
(under breath) "When you don't push it"
New "I see" (inspects button)
Old "Any questions"
New "Yes.. Can I get a job recomenation?"
Old (stunned) "Ummm why would you need that?"
New "Becouse I really don't believe I'll be working here long."
Old "And what makes you think that?"
New guy pushes red button leaves old guy to take blame
New yelling back "Ohh nothing"

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Tablizer]

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit... Me: "This is a partial specialization of a member template using RTTI to handle exceptions thrown by the descriptor class when it blocks on release."

That is just what OO was invented for ;-)

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Xaymot]

I'm sure that's the most awesome machinist joke ever.

God I wish I could get it.

Training my replacement?......

[cbdavis]

If someone off-shore wants my lousy job, they can have it. Good luck, pal!

Re:This happens over and over

[Caseyscrib]

sounds like this guy [jaypinkerton.com].

Re:If you are already laid off how can you be fire

[haystor]

Then they still need to be trained, duh. Those blocks won't line up on their own.

Revenge #37

[Tablizer]

I just write my code with variables and files named after evil Indian gods, cow parts, and Indian cuss words.

Train Them Poorly

[ddelrio]

"What? You think I told him to destroy the network? The guy doesn't even speak English--what did you expect?" Yes, it's cruel and unfair--but that's what makes our country great.

Re:Or you could quit your whining and get on with

[hplasm]

How about s/he gain that knowledge the same way I did, through years of painfully prying it out of everyone else in the company. Or figuring it out myself.

They would have to, after the training I would give them...

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Anonymous Coward]

Ah! Job security through obscurity!

Re:Train My Replacement?

[robnauta]

programmers need to stop thinking about themselves as some sort of "upper" class. yes, we have some very specialized knowledge and create things that have great value... but so do carpenters and electricians.

I think the difference between electricians and programmers is that electricians don't give away their work for free.

Suppose people were given a choice between paying an electrician to install wiring and lights and choosing a free hacker that just experiments with some new cool ideas he just though of, does a pisspoor job, wastes 100 hours on a 8-hour job installing all kinds of extra's that you didn't ask for and starting from scratch again at a whim, and then abandones it at 80% complete with a comment that he cannot be bothered to spend more time on it and that you should learn to understand electricity if you cannot appreciate it, and that you should go back to coal if electricity is too difficult for you. After all, you cannot complain at all or suggest improvements because it's free.

I think people would choose the professional every time. Just getting what you want is much better than relying on an unreliable person, who things he is great and fucks up the job on purpose so you need him to come back for repairs every week. He might think people think he's a God just because his chaotic work is too complex to be understood by layman, and that he is unmissable so he can waste time at work instead of working, in reality he is an amateur that adds no value to anything.

You get what you pay for.

The Kevin Spacey way...

[RoyalCheese]

Or you could try repeating that bit of blackmail that Kevin Spacey's character managed in American Beauty. Run out of the bosses office with your mascara a bit runny, buttoning up your shirt, making sure someone sees you. Doesn't matter that you both might be beard wearing, pizza eating, coke drinking dorks with 50" waiste lines. A good lawyer should be able to come through for you!

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Elbow Macaroni]

When all the baby boomers retire the US should have a lot more job openings. That is, if President Bush doesn't open the doors and let all the Indians move to the US....

Delete Me, Delete You

[4of12]

Reminds me of stories about the db programmer who had special hooks in the code to handle cases such as when his name was deleted from the company roles.

Re:Train My Replacement?

[Genom]

Besides, as the original poster noted, nobody has been fired for not training their replacement.
--
What would Cthulhu do?

Most likely eat his "replacement", after causing it to go insane simply by being there? ;P

Re:A third option

[Rogerborg]

I'm guessing that Wally gets paid more than you as well. That's because you're a whiner, dear.