Bush Says Americans 'Ought to Have' Broadband and a Pony by 2007

wrttnwrd writes "George Bush is calling for universal broadband by 2007. He doesn't say how, or who's going to pay for it, or who's going to build it, but hey, isn't almost good enough? (for all of you Boondocks readers out there)" First step to universal broadband: don't have your Justice Department argue against communities providing their own broadband service. And don't forget the pony!

HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN! FUCK AMERICA! FRANCE RULES!

[Anonymous Coward]

HOWTO: Be an American

America, eh folks? It's a pretty screwed up place. Unfortunately, but not indefinitely, the USA's weapons of mass destruction make it the most powerful country in the world (militarily). As a result, it helps to be aware of American society and fit into it, and our quick 8-step guide should have you on the path to burger-munching enlightenment.

1 - Buy yourself a gun
To become a fully-fledged Yank, you'll need to get a weapon. Americans think that having more killing machines magically makes their country safer, and it helps them to walk around saying "I'll put a cap in your ass". Even though the concept of "no guns = no gun-related crimes" is alien to the average Yank, it'll give you a false sense of security in this country with the highest crime rates in the developed world.

2 - Put on at least 25 stone
Skinny? Medium? Chubby? That won't cut it in the good ol' US of A. Because America has the highest obesty levels on the planet, you'll need to get those rolls of flab built up. Eating 18 waffles with Maple syrup for breakfast (and visiting Burger King five times in a day) is all natural when much of the world is suffering massive poverty. Get fat and fit in.

3 - Learn the lingo
We've talked about issues affecting society, but on a personal level you'll need more knowledge (or ignorance as it may be) to fit in. First, forget proper English. Confuse "your" with "you're". Say "must of" instead of "must have". Whenever anything interesting occurs, say "shucks" repeatedly. Instead of clever spontaneity or witty insults, call people "asswipes". It's funny!

4 - Throw away all maps, history books etc.
To really feel a part of American society, you must lose all knowledge of the world. Forget where Poland is. Scrap your knowledge of the lengthy Chinese history. Make cretinous remarks like "India? Is that in Africa?". Because ALL that matters is America, and it doesn't matter how pathetic you look to educated people the world over.

5 - Become totally irrational and nonsensical
Spout on about the Constitution, and then make drastic changes to it. Talk about "freedom of speech" and watch TV programmes about the Ku Klux Klan. Rant on about market freedom, and sit back as companies run riot and destroy the economy with their anti-competitive practices. Essentially, act idiotic at all times.

6 - Sue everyone you ever meet
The USA doesn't produce many decent quality products, so the society is crumbling into a litigation-happy joke. With so many jobs going overseas to talented workers, your only option left is to start legal proceedings. About anything. Someone step on your toe? Get some hotshot downtown lawyer to sue their ass!

7 - Get a "shrink"
Americans have a hard time dealing with their own problems in a mature manner, and prefer to spend hundreds of dollars sitting in front of someone and whinging. However trivial your problems may be, blast them out like a baby!

8 - Watch abysmal TV
Forget educational programmes and incisive documentaries. Your ideal night in is with your gun, six cheeseburgers and a Friends box set. Watch as some over-paid talentless "actor" enters the scene, and whoop and scream hysterically as he delivers some ridiculously poor wisecrack.

So there you have it! Those 8 steps should have you killing innocent people, piling on pounds and acting like a moron in no time. America awaits you, brave hero! Just get out before it collapses in disarray.

A pony indeed

[seanadams.com]

Fetch the man his coffee, post haste!

Some Americans have yet to receive their forty acres and mules.

Hmmm

[Anonymous Coward]

1. Anger most of the population
2. Attempt to win them over with cheap internet
3. ???
4. Pro...Re-election!

Yes, this fits in well with

[pair-a-noyd]

homeland security plans.

When everyone has XP and DRM and ABC and DEF and CIA, then braodband to boot, no amount of tinfoil on earth will cloak your activities from BB...

Of what a joyous future ahead...

In other news...

[gatorflux]

Presidential candidates say absolutely anything to get themselves elected. More on this at 10:00pm...

nice try

[Anonymous Coward]

As much I would like to have cheap broadband. This is obviously a last ditch effort to get the /.er's vote.

I advise all slashdot readers

[Anonymous Coward]

I advise all slashdot readers to vote for this patriot on the upcoming election!

Bush is all about freedom, has been and always will be.

This man knows every american has a universal right; and that is to download pornography at high speeds.

Broads Banned

[xarak]

What he meant is that he wants broads banned, universally.

What a sexist pig!

Porn for the people

[sien]

Has there ever been a stronger cause for Americans to unite behind?

Bah who needs broadband

[skizrule]

Who needs broadband when you have AOL with TOPSPEED technology?

oh wait...

Re:A pony indeed

[seanadams.com]

Actually I was trying to link directly to a funny Onion headline but slashcode wouldn't let me. Here's a link [theonion.com] that doesn't try to go straight to the pdf.

Re:With the help of jesus christ

[black88]

Oh Goody,
a pop quiz!!!
Here are my answers:
a)satan
b)New Gomorrah (Though, where's Sodom?!!)
c)GNAA filth (I think? wtf is GNAA anyway?

HAIL SATAN!!!

Re:Grandiose vision (to be forgotten after Nov. 2)

[Cidtek]

I think he meant to say invade mars :-)

Re:That's just wrong

[Roger Keith Barrett]

GWB did not propose spending one dime on universal broadband. All he said is that all Americans "ought to have it."

To paraphrase, when it comes to jobs all Americans "ought to have one" too.

He has the exact same plan for that too, thas is do nothing at all.

I guess that is what he means by "strong leadership."

We could start by

[GillBates0]

He doesn't say how, or who's going to pay for it, or who's going to build it

massmailing free AOL for Broadband [aol.com] CDs to every known address in the US.

AOL for broadband - It's faster! It's smarter! It's included!
On dial-up surf the web upto 5x times faster than a standard dial-up connection with AOL TopSpeed(TM) technology all through your existing phone jack at no additional charge!

That could work.

Re:Grandiose vision (to be forgotten after Nov. 2)

[cperciva]

Don't you mean liberate mars?

Re:A pony indeed

[morganjharvey]

Some Americans have yet to receive their forty acres and mules.

Really? Then explain why there are so many asses everywhere.

Unfair

[perdelucena]

See how life is unfair: Al Gore invents the Internet, now Dubbya profit from it. The system should have some kind of protection to prevent people from stealing each other's ideas...

Re:Such an unbiased article summary

[anonicon]

Hey Ace,

This isn't politics, this is Our Great Commander coming up with a brilliantly daring strike to lasso-up broadband for the benefit of all Americans.

I wouldn't be surprised if his experiences with AOL Top Speed led him to this inspired proposal to free all of us from the agony of slow access. If this doesn't just put a cherry on top of all the ways he's thought about the little feller, I don't know what does. ;-D

Re:Porn for the people

[mrpuffypants]

Never before has there been a stronger case. Just please don't unite behind me. That's gross and I don't swing that way...

Re:Unfair

[S.O.B.]

I hope you're not seriously suggesting that Al Gore invented the internet.

Re:Read my lips, no slow connections?

[AndroidCat]

I'm sure the homeless would prefer WiFi access.

Re:Unfair

[adamjaskie]

I hope you're not seriously suggesting that grandparent was not sarcasm.

Re:No Blood For Broadband!111!!!!

[mAineAc]

but with wi-fi hotspots everywhere like that what will happen to hte poor chaps with the tinfoil hats? Won't all those radio signals fry their brains?

Re:George W. Bush

[Anonymous Coward]

To answer your question, I'd would sooner vote for Osama in '04 than Bush.

OK. I'm Voting For Him!

[Anonymous Coward]

I know a solid promise when I hear one. Soon we shall all have broadband. Huzza!

...and a Pony.

[corngrower]

I thought most communities don't allow ponies for pets these days. Couldn't imagine what all those apartment dwellers with ponies anyways.

Re:The much despised "tax and spend" policy...

[libre lover]

...has been replaced by a bold new "don't tax, and spend" policy.

Which was implemented by "Credit Card" Republicans.

He's already got that vote...

[Anonymous Coward]

...he's driving hard to win Hispanic voters (along with Jeb) in Flordia...

Frankly, I think that Jeb would vote for Dubya even without that.

Re:HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN! FUCK AMERICA! FRANCE RUL

[call_me_susan]

EXACTLY.

"he US wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the French."

So this is all YOUR fault, dickhead.

Re:Only a coincedence...

[zerocool^]

Not only that, but how can anyone be anti-abortion *and* anti-gay marriage?!? Who has less abortions than gays?!?

Wx

Re:Grandiose vision (to be forgotten after Nov. 2)

[cgenman]

The evil martian regime harbors weapons of mass destruction in the form of tremendous stockpiles of poison gas, and has even gone so far as to kill off large segments of its own population. Our weapons inspection teams are hampered at every turn, and the British inspection team hasn't been heard from in months, presumed dead.

We cannot ignore the martian threat any longer.

Re:Hmmm

[doctorfaustus]

"47% likely to vote for the president"

That's enough to get him elected, if the Supreme Court helps....

Give Bush a break

[commodoresloat]

We'll get our broadband and our ponies. As soon as he figures out how to get them to Mars.

In Other News...

[allgood2]

Bush says Americans 'Ought to Be Working' and the working, homeless 'Ought to buy a House'. Get out your bootstraps and pull man, PULL.

Re:Only a coincedence...

[Thing 1]

And yes, the troops love hearing how Bill Clinton and Dick Clarke failed to deal with Iraq in 1997

So ... you're saying Dick Clarke dropped the ball on Iraq?

<ducks>

Next Campaign Ad

[FrankDrebin]

Can you ping me now? Good.

Re:Hmmm

[knobmaker]

all we can conclude is that about half of the people in the country right now think the president is doing a good job and plan to vote to re-elect him.

Yet another confirmation of the unfortunate fact that half the people in America are below average in intelligence.

Re:THEY ARE VOLUNTEERS

[Anonymous Coward]

I've lived my life. Have fun dying for a selfish regime's policies, shithead.

Figures don't lie, but liars can figure

[Phelan]

Whats the source on your projections?
NewsMax? Aunt Hilda's Polling service?

Re:Unfair

[spellraiser]

Heh - not unfair at all. After all, Every internet address starts with 'dubya'! [slashdot.org]

Re:Hmmm

[giantsquidmarks]

George Bush broadband(tm) is 5mbps down and 5bps up.

To prevent the spread of porography and pirated music.

Besides which...

[MAXOMENOS]

...if the government provides the broadband, then they have more power to dicatate what goes over that broadband. You know, for "the good of the people," just like they do with radio.

That'll put an end to DailyKos [dailykos.com] and the rest.

The details:

[Big Nothing]

The contract to build the monster has been given to Haliburton.

Double-speak

[quarkscat]

Bush: "Every home in America will have
broadband internet service by 2007."

(meaning: I intend to re-constitute Ma Bell
(the Mother of all Monopolies) and give
them enough tax credits to pay for wiring
Mars.)

Ohhh, yeah. A chicken in every pot, forty
acres and a mule, and free beer (just vote
for me).

Mishead what Bush said

[maiden_taiwan]

Actually what Bush said was, "All Americans should pony up for broadband."