Dave Barry Strikes Back Against Telemarketers

ikkonoishi writes "The Miami humor columnist Dave Barry in his column here encouraged his readers to exercise their constitutional rights to call a telemarketing firm which had declared the National Do Not Call List unconstitutional. Well it seems to have worked." Needless to say, the targets of the prank were none so keen on being called themselves.

Re:The ends justify the means?

[Pig Hogger]

Oh come on here. I can see the immediate appeal of this kind of puerile action, but in the end you're just sinking to the telemarketers' level.

Dave has interfered with these people's ability to make a living. Indeed, he may well have cost a number of jobs with this article! At the end of the day, the innocent collateral damage is going to mean that many people don't eat because Dave went after another cheap laugh and went on the attack.

...
Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

Here is another proof that religion warps mercilessly someone's brain.

Re:Maybe Dave Barry could start a ternd.

[buttahead]

that is a great idea. we'll call it slashdot.

Re:Since when do nerds talk on the phone?

[snolan]

What is a phone?

grinning, ducking and running...

Latest ATA Press release

[TecraMan]

PRESS RELEASE - FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION

Due to the outstandingly positive response to recent media events, the American Teleworking Association has taken steps to protect its constitutional right to protection from unsolicited calls by registering with the National Do Not Call List.

"We were shocked by the intrusiveness of these unsolicited calls", commented Tim Searcy, ATA Executive Director. "None of us could get any work done! Our heartfelt thanks to the Federal Government for their foresight in creating such a resource to protect people like us!"

Returning to work today, ATA employees are looking forward to a day of uninterrupted work now that they are protected from such intrusive unsolicated calls.

Love that Dave Barry

[GomezAdams]

But in a guy sort of way.... and "The National Do Not Call List" sounds like a great name for a Rock & Roll Band.

Talk Like a Pirate

[brians95]

Not to be left out should be the fact that you should call the telemarketers and talk like a pirate next Friday as Mr. Barry suggests!

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

We should be careful about this

[nenya]

If the numbers that the telemarketing industry is throwing about are even half right, this could end our current economic recovery. Telemarketers alledge that they create several billion dollars in sales every year, several billion dollars that will go up in smoke in October. That plus a huge boost in unemployed (and otherwise unemployable) persons is a very bad thing. Be careful what you wish for.

Re:They only stopped ANSWERING thier phones

[jester]

Why not do like I do ... when a telesales person calls you just put the phone on speaker with volume down and put the handset down ... they can talk as much as they like, to themselves. The call is costing them money, not you. Its actually more enjoyable to leave the volume up a little, and you can hear them as they realise that you aren't listening :-)

Re:The ends justify the means?

[demon93]

So, for every time a telemarketer calls, we are "allowed" to call back once. Publishing this phone number just allows us to extract this punishment.

Following your "logic", if telemarketers make 30 million calls a day (to individual people), they should expect to receive 30 million return calls. I think that should be sufficient to overwhelm their phonelines :-)

Re:Yes, but it costs them money

[Anonymous Coward]

"It's difficult not to see some malice in Mr. Barry's intent," said Tim Searcy, executive director of the ATA, who said the added calls will be costly to his group because of toll charges and staffing issues.

Domain Name: ATACONNECT.ORG
Administrative Contact, Technical Contact:
Fanger, Robert (DUMHRQNOBI) [e-mail]
Fanger Communications
238 S. Meridian St.
Ste. 210
Indianapolis, IN 46225
US
317-636-7635

Searcy, Tim
8645 Admirals Woods Dr
INDIANAPOLIS, IN 46236
317-823-8462

Even Better

[buzzcutbuddha]

Call the Chairman of the ATA [ataconnect.org] at home!!!!!!!

Chairman:
Thomas Rocca, [phone], 3840 Jiles Rd NW, Kennesaw, GA 30144

(provided by Google)

Re:Do not call lists will lower sales

[An Onerous Coward]

That's why I love to keep telemarketers on the line as long as possible. I know I'm never going to buy whatever crap they're peddling. Even if they do come across with something that sounds interesting (hasn't happened yet), I plan on finding out exactly what company is selling so that I can look for a similar service among their competitors.

The trick to keeping them on the line for upwards of a half hour is to sound like you're interested, but have certain specific objections that need to be overcome first. If somebody calls offering a two week cruise, you object that you don't have that much vacation time. When she quote the price, you tell her you're a little short right now.

As things go along, get more and more absurd. When she describes white, sandy beaches, tell the caller that you're allergic to saltwater. When she tells you that one of their destinations is the Bahamas, ask for her assurance that you won't run into any "foreigners" down there. Ask if they'll let you take your golden retreiver, and then describe Sparky's bladder control problems in lengthy detail. Just keep making up weird crap, until it becomes obvious that the telemarketer desperately wants the phone call to end.

Finally, explain that you'll have to make some plans, and consult both your wife and your mistress. Ask for a callback number. Then politely let her go. Even better, ask them to call you back in a week.

Hey, I'm a frequent Slashdot poster, so it's not like I have anything better to do. :)

Re:Even Better

[955301]

Well, how about that! He lives right around the corner from my archery club. >:)

Wish I had points shaped like little punching bags. Maybe I'll just start giving out his number and address as mine whenever some retail store asks for it.

2 million telemarketers out of work

[Skapare]

What does it mean to have 2 million telemarketers out of work? Well, if those 2 million people are not putting in their 40 hours a week, then they won't be taking up a total of 40 hours of time each week from a few hundred other people. Imagine what might happen with 80,000,000 more hours of time become available to other people at work, at home, and at the dinner table. Imagine the increased productivity happening at work. Imagine the opportunity to get the home and garden chores done. Imagine being able to actually talk and bond with your family at dinner time. Oh the horror!

Re:They only stopped ANSWERING thier phones

[Skater]

you can hear them as they realise that you aren't listening

Uh...but then wouldn't you be, well, listening?

--RJ

Re:They only stopped ANSWERING thier phones

[blibbleblobble]

"when a telesales person calls you just put the phone on speaker with volume down and put the handset down ... they can talk as much as they like, to themselves."

To extend the fun, you should try the magical phrase before putting the phone down:

"Jester? Yes, I'll just get him for you..."

Yeah, and I believe those statistics.

[El Camino SS]

Telemarketers alledge that they create several billion dollars in sales every year, several billion dollars that will go up in smoke in October.

Yeah, and the Russians said that they had several thousand nukes pointed at the US in the Cold War, well, technically they did.

Many, many, many of the silos had water in them up to the missile in the bottom, thus, when launching, would have killed all of the people launching them and left a missile with a nuke on top in burning in a hole in the ground and thirty minutes of rocket fuel burning there with it.

Lighting those suckers would have caused ecological disaster for the USSR.

The lesson here?

Never, ever, ever, trust the information given to you by your enemies. Do you expect North Korea to tell you the truth when threatening you? Expect enemy information to be overinflated. Or downright bogus.

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:Do not call lists will lower sales

[dasmegabyte]

Once, I kept a lady on the phone for like an hour, talking about magazines. I was gonna order the whole lot. Then she says, "Okay, I need your credit card to continue." I calmly reply, "Credit Card? Oh no no no. That's how they get ya. I keep all my money in a box under my bed."

Unfortunately, she doesn't take cash.

Another time, I actually read off the numbers to the credit card, but accidentally turned up SLAYER on the stereo for the last 6 digits. Oops.

Re:Maybe Dave Barry could start a ternd.

[Anonymous Coward]

Maybe Dave Barry could start a ternd

/etc/init.d/ternd start?

Re:Even Better

[YetAnotherDave]

Just make sure you get the right ATA. Could be unwise to piss off the higher-ups at the American Taekwondo Association [ataonline.com] :)

Telemarketing is fun; let's keep it!

[$criptah]

Guys, telemarketing can be a lot of fun if you add some positive atmosphere to it. Just think of it, since the chances of meeting your friend on the other end of the line are pretty slim, you can get away with almost anything: dirty jokes, humiliation, etc. Whenever a telemarketer calls me, especially if the person has a thick foreign (Indian, most of the time) accent, I have fun. Here is how to do it:

a. Pretend to be somebody else, like an old person with a hearing problem or a recent immigrant who speaks poor English. Make the telemarketer re-read the offer and ask stupid questions: start with product related stuff and then move onto personal issues. For example, in the middle of conversation say "Wow, you know, you have a really sexy voice!" Works like a charm :)

b. If you have roommates, set up a plot. I remember when my roommate pretended to be an abusive husband and I played a role of a wife for unwanted calls. Whenever a telemarketer called us, we would be 'in the middle of a physical conflict.' "The husband" would swear at his wife and beat her (just slap your naked leg for the sound effect); the wife on the other turn would say things like "Stop beating me! I've had enough already" and then she would continue to talk about her personal problems to the telemarketer in between the beatings. Basically, use your imagination; most of the time the other party will hang up.

c. Put them on hold. This is by far the easiest one, unless you're expecting some other call. When you receive an unwanted call, tell them that you're in the middle of something that you must finish asap; therefore, offer them to stay on the line for a minute or so. Then go read a newspaper, drink a cup of tea. This may sound stupid, but this brings positive results: you keep telemarketers from calling other people through your personal sacrifice.

There is more stuff and it usually depends on who is calling and when. Sometimes when I have a bad day, I find telemarketers to be my stress relievers: I bitch and swear at them for several minutes. After hanging up I start feeling better right away.

Re:They only stopped ANSWERING thier phones

[drcln]

Toll-free calls cost the recipient money. Every time that anwering machine picks up, its money down the tubes.

Don't forget to return (empty or containing a nice message to the poor guy that is paid to process the replies) all prepaid business reply envelopes that get sent to you in junk mail.

Better Still

[thewils]

For sure. Replying keeps the Postal Services busy.
If you have two reply envelopes, swap the contents or include some local flyers maybe along with a nice note - "Here, have some of mine".

And the message will say...

[bryanthompson]

"Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away."

Which, after a court order, will be changed to:

"Hello, this is Homer Simpson, AKA Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to: Sad Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power." -Homer

Re:They only stopped ANSWERING thier phones

[the_mad_poster]

I got a call from a TM one time. They started into their rubbish so I set the phone down and walked away without a word. I came back about 5 or 6 minutes later to hang it up and realized they were just wrapping up the speil, so I listened to the last 10 seconds or so.

At the end, she said "So, which credit card can I put that on" to which I immediately replied:

"Put what on?"

SHE hung up on ME!

There's also the Discover card guy who said to me "You currently have an introductory APR of 0% on balance transfers. Do you have any cards that have better than 0% APR?" to which I calmly replied "Yes."

Boy did that screw up his pitch.

Re:You heard it here first

[shish]

> Besides, haven't you always wanted to know what that telemarketer type person on the other end of the line looks like?

Broken nose with leaflets shoved up his ass if he comes near my house...

Re:ATA numbers that work

[Pionar]

They're here in Indy? Looks like someone's about to get some "unsolicited" pizza. How about 10 large pepperoni?

Re:Revenge

[Glonoinha]

I have a few. They are used for :

Identifying who is old (remembers using them) and who is young.
Identifying who is really old (can identify connection speed by listening to it connect.)
Holding down papers in a stack.
Keeping books on the shelf from falling over.
The blinkenlights are pretty in a dark room.
Soliciting complaints from a spouse who thinks they need to be thrown away.
Cursing new PC manufacturers for not putting serial ports on new computers.
and less commonly : connecting to another computer at an unGodly slow speed, making it faster to travel across country by Greyhound bus to pick up three DVD's worth of data than to actually transmit them across that data connection.

I heard about a neat trick...

[Dimensio]

The callee speaks very quietly, to try and get the telemarketer to raise the volume of their phone/earpiece. After a few seconds, the callee blows an air horn right into the phone, blasting the telemarketer.

Ever have that happen?

We're sorry, the number...is disconnected

[btakita]

Great. Now they know what it is like to have to change their number after being harrased over the telephone.

Maybe now they have to tell all their friends to let it ring twice, hand up and call again or something like that.

now you're listed on SLIMEYMARKETERS.COM

[Anonymous Coward]

When telemarketers call, I wait for the first pause and then tell them -- in a really bored voice like I'm reading from a script -- "I am obligated to inform you that because of this unsolicited call, your company will be listed on SLIMEYMARKETERS.COM . You have 30 days to appeal this decision or the listing will become final; see site for details."

If they ask for clarification, I simply repeat the "statement" (hoping I remember it exactly), and say that's all the information I'm required to give.

Very satisfying, particularly if I ask to speak to a manager -- sends them into a real frenzy about 30% of the time (especially when they can't find the site in order to appeal, since I always make sure it's bogus).

Re:Even Better

[LittleGuy]

Just make sure you get the right ATA. Could be unwise to piss off the higher-ups at the American Taekwondo Association...

Me: {Ring Ring Ring Click} Hello, is this the ATA? I want to complain...

*knock on door* /me answers

Person at door: "Boot to the head!"

fwwwwooooop /me staggers back and collapses on floor

"And one for Jenny and the wimp...."

Re:why worry?

[Anonymous Coward]

Cant say no?

Remember these words
"ooooh look at the time could you call me back later"
"when?"
"much later"

The WILL call back. There call cost for you has just doubled. Also more than likely you will get a different person next time. So just rinse and repeat. Im up to 5 with this one. Tommorow when they call back I will try for 6 :)

I am VERY busy after all :)

Re:They only stopped ANSWERING thier phones

[pyrrhonist]

I just love it when I get a call where the telemarketer only has a last name listed in their system,
and so has to alternately ask for a "Mr." followed by a "Mrs." to attempt to find the right person.
I'm not married, so there is no "Mrs." in the house, and my girlfriend, taking advantage of this fact,
chose to torture the telemaketer this way one day when I wasn't home:

Telemarketer: May I please speak with Mr. Smith?

My Girlfriend: He's not here right now.
Telemarketer: May I please speak with Mrs. Smith?
My Girlfriend: He's married?!? *uncontrolled sobbing*