"Time-Traveler" Busted For Insider Trading 724
Chester sent in a story that has been making the rounds for a bit, but if you haven't bumped into it, "Yahoo! TV came up with this weird story about a guy who caught police's attention by gaining $350 million from mere $800 in two weeks. The twisted part is that he justifies his knowledge about stocks by saying he is a time-traveler from year 2256!"
first post (Score:3, Funny)
Damn! (Score:5, Funny)
He should have known... (Score:5, Funny)
enough said... (Score:2, Funny)
Holy Mackerel (Score:0, Funny)
This is from Weekly World News (Score:5, Funny)
My favorite was the sex, liquor and drugs diet I saw about this time last year in WWN.
Typical Slashdot (Score:5, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:5, Funny)
Re:My NTP must be broken.... (Score:5, Funny)
Stupid Slashdot Tricks (Score:5, Funny)
B) It's a Weekly World News story.
C) You missed April Fool's by over two weeks.
D) You're stupid.
It's a Weekly World News Story (Score:5, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:5, Funny)
time machine (Score:5, Funny)
Re:He should have known... (Score:2, Funny)
I knew! (Score:5, Funny)
But alas, my internet connection was too slow and I couldn't get FP!
Re:Weekly World News...? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:2, Funny)
See "So I Married an Axe Murderer".
time traveller? (Score:4, Funny)
Maybe's he actually a time-zone traveller who travelled 2256 miles (and 4 time zones) from the west coast. The whole thing sures smells of the wacky tobacy....
Interview (Score:2, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:5, Funny)
Re:He should have known... (Score:4, Funny)
Little did Andrew know that, in this unknown future, there lurked a clever internet hacker with a time machine of his own. The hacker saw the news story in the World News went back in time, hacked Carlssin's eTrade account, stole all the ill gotten gains, then shuffled off Carlssen an alternative universe where Saddam Hussein won the war.
Hence we live in a world where the Weekly News story simply appears as a sci fi hoax, and there is a linux guru hanging out in Java happily sipping pina coladas.
Re:Weekly World News...? (Score:5, Funny)
Just an aside, am I the only one who thinks the name Andrew Carlssin [imdb.com] looked suspiciously familiar?
As long as we're posting parodies as real news... (Score:3, Funny)
The Osama Bin Laden Suicide Bomber Dating Service [io.com]
Terry Brooks to rewrite The Lord of the Rings [locusmag.com]
Baen Books Announces Product Placement Deal with Microsoft [locusmag.com]
Each and every one of these stories is as true as the parent, and most are funnier...
Re:Typical Slashdot (Score:5, Funny)
I can't think of anything that typifies Slashdot better than posting a four-week old article from the Weekly World News.
I can...
a dupe of a four week old story from the Weekly World News
Re:Damn! (Score:2, Funny)
Re:HOAX REVEALED! (Score:1, Funny)
A test (Score:2, Funny)
To find out if he is really from the future, simply ask him how many times this story will be reposted on Slashdot.
I'm not surprised... (Score:2, Funny)
Should have changed his Delorian settings... (Score:4, Funny)
... really this guy should have gone back to 1986 and invest in a little upstart called
D'oh! (Score:5, Funny)
Gullibility of
Fark [fark.com]
Real Time Travelers (Score:5, Funny)
As a current tourist in your quaint era, I can assure you that time-able persons such as myself amuse ourselves by participating in Slashdot forums, downloading p0rn, and watching that gem of two-dimensional entertainment - Saved By The Bell. We do NOT participate in "insider trading" since your credit cards are paltry to imitate using some peanut brittle, gum, and the inner workings of a common saucer part.
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
All that proves is that he made it back to the future and covered his tracks. Why, I bet he's sipping daquiris in the back of his flying limo with a dozen Britney Spears clones right now!
In other news... (Score:5, Funny)
The Earth really is flat! [weeklyworldnews.com]
How to Osama-proof your computer. [weeklyworldnews.com]
Actually that last article has lots of good advice for keeping a home PC secure, Osama or no Osama. I guess sometimes paranoia pays off.
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
The real question is: did he get to keep the cash and, in 2256, how much is $350M really worth?
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Typical Slashdot (Score:5, Funny)
> better than posting a four-week old article from
> the Weekly World News.
Posting it twice.
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
I'll have you know it's the eigthth most widely circulated paper.
</accent>
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:2, Funny)
Notice he didn't specify which type of paper. For all you know he could be referring to it as a replacement for the scented, quilted two-ply tissue so conveniently packaged in a roll...
More to the story (Score:5, Funny)
Those two items give the story some credence.
Re:This is from Weekly World News (Score:3, Funny)
And? How many of the drunk, over-sexed junkies that you know are overweight? Obviously, the diet works.
Re:But is it Insider Trading? (Score:5, Funny)
Yes, he DID break a law...
Specifically, the Temporal Interaction Act of 2236, section 7, part 32, paragraph A.
Look it up!
I'm sure there are other parts of the law he broke too, but IANALFTF.
this was on saturday night live 10 years ago (Score:4, Funny)
When one of the analyst does himself in, they ask future man if they knew that would happen.
"yes"
" then why didn't you stop him"
"I never liked him"
BAT BOY!?!?!?!? (Score:2, Funny)
Farked (Score:5, Funny)
Hell, that's about as embarrasing as appointing someone from DoubleClick as head of your national privacy adminis....D'oh!
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
Well, I don't know whether the story is true, but the parent post is *definitely* a government coverup.
How else a first post could be both informative and long on Slashdot ?
Hi, my name is Andrew Carlssin ... (Score:5, Funny)
My name is Andrew Carlssin. In September 2256 my car was reposessed and the bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was
laid off and my unemployment checks had run out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my time machine and some stock ymbols. I longed to turn my advocation into my vocation. This December 2002 I went on a four month time-jump. I bought and sold a couple of stocks for BIG MONEY in April 2003.
I'm currently under investigation by the SEC for insider trading, but all I need to do is get back to my time machine and return to 2256. I will never have to work again.
Today I am rich! I have earned over $350,000,000.00 (Three Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars)) to date and will become a billionaire within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This money making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to earn $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or post office.
In October 2255, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could earn $50,000 dollars or more whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the console of my time machine. It's funny though, when you are desperate, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustating day looking through the want ads for a job with a future. The pickings were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by getting into my time machine and going back to hang out with Jesus. I proofread a rough draft of what would become the Bible and than glanced at the letter on the console. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams. I realized that with the power of the time machine I could expand and enhance this money making formula into the most unbelievable cash flow generator that has ever been created. Most of the hard work is speedily done via self-serve online brokerage houses throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your dreams will come true.
Sincerely yours,
Andrew Carlssin
INSTRUCTIONS
1) Buy a time machine.
2) Capture all of the open and close prices with the largest up or down changes for the past couple of months. Double-check all the numbers; you wouldn't want to lose all your money on a typo.
3) Go back in time to the start of the prices that you've recorded.
4) Start trading like nobody's business. Try to make some intentional mistakes to try and cover up your tracks -- don't be like me and lead the SEC auditors straight to your portfolio!
Re:HOAX REVEALED! (Score:1, Funny)
Like that's ever stopped them before...
Re:Weekly World News: not all of it made up! (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Weekly World News...? (Score:3, Funny)
This paper contains facts too, see pregnant man gives birth.
(from So I Married an Axe Murderer)
Re:Typical Slashdot (Score:3, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:4, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:5, Funny)
After this happened, he figured the SEC would be on to his antics in the future. So, he went back to 1994 instead (before the SEC had heard of Andrew Carlssin) and perpetrated the same time-crime (as it's known in 2256) of using known mergers from our past to profit.
The thing is that he didn't return to 2256 with $350 million dollars...that would be dumb, considering the Inflation Era of 2144! Instead, on his way back to 2256, he stopped at October 20, 2213 to invest it all into 3D Realms...five days before the announced release of Duke Nukem Forever (just in time for the Festivus season).
When he got back to 2256, he sold off his shares and rules the world in his time. I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:2, Funny)
Don't you know this is
Weekly World News and The Enquirer (Score:4, Funny)
My favorite WWN story is probably still the one about the genetically-engineered banyan trees that could move on their own, that had escaped from a lab in Bolivia and were slowly (1/8 mph) walking north towards the US. While adults could easily outrun these trees, the "reporter" was concerned that they might still pose a hazard to the elderly and small children.
NCAA (Score:2, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
And you thought migrating from windows to Linux was hard...
Re:He should have known... (Score:2, Funny)
You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. Anyone thoroughly versed in the physics of time travel would know that he cannot have known he was going to get caught. Geez, did you sleep with your Time Travel 101 professor to get a passing grade or something?
Funniest Line (Score:2, Funny)
DUPER POOPER!!!!!!!!!1!!!!! (Score:2, Funny)
s_/_____\____REPORT___\___DUPES____/____\_______s
l|___I___|_____________\__________|______|______l
a|__LOVE_`.__Call_1-800-SUCKTACO__|_______:_____a
s`___M____|_____________|________\|_______|_____s
h_\__I____|_/_______/__\\\___--___\\_______:____h
d__\__C___\/____--~~__________~--__|_\_____|____d
o___\__H___\_-~____________________~-_\____|____o
t____\__A____\_________.--------.______\|__|____t
s______\__E__\______//_________(_(__C__\___|____s
u_______\__L.__C____)_________(_(___C___|__/____u
c_______/\_|___C_____)/__/.__\_(____C___|_/_____c
k______/_/\|___C_____)|_MODS_|__(___C___/__\____k
s_____|___(____C_____)\_HERE_/__//__C_/_____\___s
*_____|____\__C_____\\_________//_(__/_______|__*
s____|_\____\____)___`----___--'_____________|__s
l____|__\______________\_______/____________/_|_l
a___|______R_______/____|_____|__\____________|_a
s___|___F__E______|____/___/.__\__\____F__S___|_s
d___|___U__A___/_/____|__SERVER_|__\____U_P____|d
o___|__C___L__/_/______\__/\___/____|___C__E___|o
t__|___K__N__/_/________|____|_______|__k__E___|t
s__|______E___|_________|____|_______|_____C___|s
u__|______W__|__________|____|_______|_____H___|u
x__|______S__|__________|____|_______|_________|x
*_s_l_a_s_d_o_t_s_u_c_k_s_*_s_l_a_s_h_d_o_t_s_u_x
Important Stuff: Please try to keep posts on topic. Try to reply to other people's comments instead of starting new threads. Read other people's messages before posting your own to avoid simply duplicating what has already been said. Use a clear subject that describes what your message is about. Offtopic, Inflammatory, Inappropriate, Illegal, or Offensive comments might be moderated. (You can read everything, even moderated posts, by adjusting your threshold on the User Preferences Page) Important Stuff: Please try to keep posts on topic. Try to reply to other people's comments instead of starting new threads. Read other people's messages before posting your own to avoid simply duplicating what has already been said. Use a clear subject that describes what your message is about. Offtopic, Inflammatory, Inappropriate, Illegal, or Offensive comments might be moderated. (You can read everything, even moderated posts, by adjusting your threshold on the User Preferences Page)
Re:Weekly World News...? (Score:2, Funny)
FWIW - The WWN is a wonderfully enjoyable way to waste pocket change and about 45 minutes....
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:5, Funny)
1. There is no Andrew Carlssin being investigated by the SEC
2. The SEC does not have police powers and cannot arrest people
3. The alleged high risk trades didn't take place
4. There is in fact no record of *any* of the events mentioned"
You forgot:
5. If he really was from the future, he would have gone back a few more years so he could get it on the
No, it's not margin (Score:1, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
Time travel is impossible (Score:2, Funny)
BTW, do you know where I can find a Sarah Connor?
From the year 2256? (Score:3, Funny)
Garth Brooks Juice Diet (Score:2, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:1, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:5, Funny)
W3-Nazi Reporting for Duty (Score:3, Funny)
Please don't mix presentation style with semantic markup. Your sentence is not the content of an accent, but should simply be presented on aural browsers using a particular accent. A simplistic example of the correct way to mark up your data would be:
<span style="accent: scottish">I'll have you know it's the eigthth most widely circulated paper.</span>
However following the standards set by the working drafts for XHTML2 you should instead give the span entity a unique id and set its style using an ID-selector in a page-wide stylesheet. You also may wish to provide alternative accents if the "scottish" one is not available on the user's system.
He called (Score:3, Funny)
Four weeks ago, he called. He could not believe he got ahold of me. He just about passed out when I said hello. I asked him why he was treating me like a god. He replied that my contributions to the world had many great effects on civilization. He only wondered what I could have done if I wasn't so poor while I was young. Unfortunately, the SEC locked his accounts before he could give me the money.
Two things... (Score:1, Funny)
Secondly, there's the International Date Line, which is like a longitude line, so just go to the North Pole where you can run around the pole in a circle, many many times crossing the Date Line over and over again and again, and go back/forward as many days as you like
Re:Could he be right? (Score:1, Funny)
As long as he doesn't sing, I don't care where Elvis is or what he does.
Re:m/Weekly World News/ ? : '!' : '?' (Score:2, Funny)
Saddam did gay porn!! [yahoo.com]
It's on yahoo.com, it must be true!!
Re:If he is from the future can he tell... (Score:1, Funny)
You will make $13 billion by 2017, but bill gates will purchase your company, you will become disgruntled, and develop an automatic water baloon cannon, and make trillions by marketing it as the "fwooshmaster 3000".
I will own 3 of them.
Any more questions? =D
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:2, Funny)
Re:No basis in fact, 100% fiction (Score:3, Funny)
How do I know my chronology is the correct one? Easy, because if your version of events was correct and he did exist and was someday released then he could easily go back in time and prevent ME from being b... <poof!>
Re:m/Weekly World News/ ? : '!' : '?' (Score:3, Funny)