thelasttemptation's Journal: shrugs.

Well, I've been working on making my life more... intresting I guess. I decided to remove any form of entertainment out of my life. All my books are going, all my games are going, my tv, my movies, everything. I'm leaving myself a journal and a few pens for the next few months or so. I'm gonna sit here and figure out some things about myself. I need to figure out what the hell is so wrong with myself and how to fix it. Damn it. I'm tired of being so broken, and I have no idea what to fucking do about it.

What else did I do? Hrm.

I shaved my head and beard and all that. I shaved it all off, totally bald. I'm tring to remove everything that I've hidden behind, face myself in the mirror. Stare into the mirror, into those dead eyes that are reflected back at me.

How the hell did I end up like this? Why is my soul so damnaged? why did I allow myself to sink so far? Is there any chance at redemption anymore?

Everyone always says that it's never too late, but I disagree, there has to be a line when a soul finally gets totally lost and is just beyond help. Am I forcing myself to that point and beyond? My gaze only seems to hold hate and contempt anymore...

Bah. One thing that's really been bugging me reciently, is the fact that it's not that Death's so appealing, but that life is so unappealing. What's the point to living if it's so like this? Death can't be worst...

So yeah. I'm gonna sit here in my living room until I figure out what's wrong. I have plenty of supplys, and all that, but I really need to figure this out. Ahh well.

And alas, life marches on.

life does march on

[subgeek]

sounds like you're serious about figuring things out for yourself. people who are that determined rarely fail. stay persistent and answers will come.

i'd suggest that active entertainment may not be as bad. what i mean is, if you play an instrument or write stories or draw or paint something it probably won't distract you the same way passive entertainment might. it may not be true for everyone, but i've found that the creative process is very central to who i am. exercising that creativity makes me mo

The only good mirror for a mind

[johndiii]

...is another mind. Friend, mentor, therapist, they all seem to work better than just contemplation. It's not easy to find the right person, though. What subgeek said about active entertainment is good, too; I see creativity as the proper activity of humanity. Perhaps it would help you figure things out. Best of fortune with your quest.