Well, it appears that miracles can happen. I didn't get the whole story, but it seems my father blew a gasket the last time he went to the DMV. He finally got some higher-up schmuckety schmuck and ran them through the ringer. Said schmuckety schmuck apparently saw the logic in using his own discretion to accept a US passport as proof of legal residence.
I've completely given up on the intelligence of Americans, so instead of being consistently disappointed, I can instead find myself pleasantly surprised on the rare occasions when they act in a manner other than abject idiocy.