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bluefairee's Journal: still breathing? 3

Journal by bluefairee
i am definately breathing. it is just a matter of sometimes it's me wanting to and other times it's i think it's the meds. that are doing it for me. no b/s here. there are still many many days i want out. dub. would say i've had a lot of really good days. that would be true. i have, but that still doesn't seem to be enough to make me want to stay all the time. even on a good day i want to check out.

dub says woo woo woo...i say @#$$%#%^$#@!!!! for once i wanted my pills, but hadn't started to fight or tried to find them. i was yelling. i was actally getting tired and had pretty much given up when everyone and their dog showed up. i was furious because i felt like i hadn't done any of the things i was told would have me hauled off. the whole thing was a freaking joke. i went in the ambulance because i didn't want to be handcuffed by the police. i talked to some dork of a social worker who kept trying to reasure me that they were there to help me and that he wouldn't lie to me. unfortuatley for him, the last time i was told that i was sent a hospital anyways and kept for over 2weeks. as far as i was concerned he was an anoying knat buzzing around my head.

i've been going to therapy AND being good when i go. i am completly honest and i hold nothing back. do any of these apts. help? i dunno. what i do know is whether it's him or one of my other 'case' workers, when i'm done talking to them i smoke a pack of cigs. and cry.

yeserday i had a finacial aid appointment. i didn't really know what to expcet...all of this is new to me. they are putting me on disabilty. when she said that i almost got up and left. it's bad enough having to rehash my life when i don't want to, but to be considered mentally unstabel enough to recieve social security! that sent me into quit a depression. i'm still there.

i'm only 30 and for the next four months i have to wait to see if i'm 'sick' enough to get it...in the mean time i can't make more then $800 a month. that wouldn't be too horribly bad if the one job i have now was giving me hours or is i could get a second job. it's never been this hard for me. ever!i looked into unemployment and for them to help i have to apply for full time jobs which would put me over the $800 mark and skrew me down the road.

so if anyone knows a low key, low stress place i can work are then please let me know. or any place that is willing to give me money for food or a car payment...that would be the bomb!

until then i think i'll pull out my drawing supplies and work on that. it sounds really good today.

hope the rest of you are doing well.

blue

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still breathing?

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