i FEEL unloved, uncared about, unwanted, unattractive, undesirable...generally un-everything. maybe it will pass. maybe it won't. i want to be held, but that is not an option. if for no other reason then my body gives off an unusual amount of heat so anyone who holds me can't/won't do it for long. i want d. i know he can't help me, but i miss him horribly. to look in his eyes and know i am so loved he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...just as i was...forever. no use in beating a dead horse. i left him and now he's happily remarried, but he would hold me. he would comfort and reasure me.
he's not here, so i am alone. always alone until i want to die. then everyone comes to my unwanted aid. only to be left alone again to fight a battle that only i can do. a battle i don't want to fight. i'm sooooooooo tired. i'm tired of being made to fight for something i don't want. to fight a battle i don't even think i'll win and honestly don't care to.
alas, here i am again. with another promise to not cause myself harm so someone else can sleep at night and feel like they've done some good when truely they only hurt me more.
it's not fair. my life. never has been and never will be. always my life until i don't want it. then it belongs to everyone else. not fair. just not fair. just not fair.
a very very VERY tired blue. a very sad and crying blue. a too tired to fight today or even care blue.
or maybe, just blue