today all i see is red. actually all i'm thinking about is red. the color of my blood. if you are reading this then you already know what happened the other night. today is a gazillion times worst. dub. had to go to the doc. today and i went with him. i'm trying to use my 'coping' skills.
dub.s b-day is on sat. he shouldn't have to deal with me. he shouldn't have to wonder if i'm 'feeling' oke. that makes me even more upset. i don't want this for my life. i don't want these for my thoughts, but this is what i have and i hate it. in a sick way i also want it. i want to hurt, i want the pain, i want the rage. i just want it all to finally come up and get out of me. in the mean time i've got to figure out how to do it without killing myself or seriously injuring myself. there is so much of it i can't believe that it's possible.
the rest of my thoughts are focused on a certain someone dub's been IMing with. he finally met her. today i've been waiting to her to IM him and for me to be there instead. the things i want to say to her and tell her what i think of her or beyond horrible. i don't want to be here and yet i am. i don't want to share him with anyone and yet i don't want much of his attention. everything in me is at conflict with each other. it makes me feel insane. is this what drives people insane? if so, then i'm not too far from being totally gone. i'm mad. i'm completly and utterly going mad.
dub. keeps telling me he's holding on to me because he knows this is not me. that the true blue wants to live and loves life. if that's true then where the hell is she. who am i and where the fuck did i come from? how do i get back there? how do i get back home? maybe this is home. my new home. my new home where there is no blue. a home where blue did die that monday night almost 4 weeks ago. that's what it feels like. blue is dead and i'm the shell of crap that's been left behind to learn how to fend for myself. the ugliness that blue would never let others see, because she knew what i could do. what i would do.
yes, insanity. that's what this all is. a waking nighmare of going slowy and painfully insane. a nightmare. my new life. my new home. insanity with all the gools and goblins from my life eating me alive. forever. forever.