i had a thought in the shower a little bit ago. i've been here, at dave's for a week now. no one has called me or emailed me. i alwasys thought i had a lot of friends. now i know i don't.
their lives have clearly gone on, which is what i'd expected. the only differece is they made such a stink about me killing myself and now that i'm still here i'm left alone. if that was going to be the case then why the hell bother?!
i've gotten more comments and support from strangers on the net then i have from people i've known over 15years. i suppose they could say they don't know where i live or have my new phone number, but i know that is bs. i check my email almost everyday to see if anyone has thought about asking how i'm doing. i'm not checking it anymore.
cry for help or not (it was NOT) i thought people would be there. i mean if you put sooo much effort into not letting me kill myself doesn't it make sense that there would be some kimd of effort to help me stay living and get better?
fuck it. that's what i say. everyday i'm here i hate even more then the day before. i shouldn't be here. i don't want to be. i behave myself because i don't want to fight with dave anymore, especially not with tl here.
right now all i do is yard work becuase it's hard and tiring and takes my mind off of trying to break into dave's car. it also means i sleep hard and long. the less time i'm concious the better.
all i have to say is this REALLY FUCKING SUCKS! i can stay here and behave, go to jail for trying to kill myself, or go to the state hospital. i don't like any of the options, but that's what i got. so here i am. wishing i weren't and hoping that tomarrow i won't wake up or some freak of nature will happen to finish me off.
no luck yet. maybe tomarrow.
blue is really blue