thelasttemptation's Journal: The Rollercoaster of life....

It's been awhile sense I wrote...

I'm not sure why.

What's happened in the past bit...

lost my job...
stoped drinking for the most part...
stoped drugs for the most part...
girl took me for all I had emotionally, and yet, I'm still giving to her...
I'm drained...
My car's being repossessed next month...
My phone has been disconnected...
My inet is going to be disconnected soon...
I'm going to be evicted...
I've applyed at over 70 places looking for a job, even in fast food joints, and nothing.
I've been pawning off my stuff one item at a time...
I'm going to end up in the street soon...
and all I can think about is damn it, I should just die rather then continue down this downward spiral to my own personal hell. Why wait damn it?

I feel so selfish posting this...
I want to live...
I want to be whole...
I just can't be...
I'm not strong enough...
I'm not strong enough to survive anymore.

And why should I be? Why can't I just give up? Who said that I have to live.

Isn't it unfair that everyone feels the suicide is wrong? Maybe it's right for me, maybe it's the moral and good thing for me to do.

Subgeek said this once, "what you desire and simultaneously deny yourself is human contact. or at least meaningful human contact. you feel hurt by people, so you try to avoid that hurt by closing yourself off. but that isolation becomes more painful than rejection."

I opened myself up, I gave her my all, and yet, I'm only her friend when she wants me to be, if I'm ever depressed, oh damn, I'm just no fun...

Well damn it, I can't be happy forever no matter what...

I can pledge my life to you, I can be there for you no matter what, but there are times with I NEED YOU TO BE THERE FOR ME! WHY IS THAT SO DAMN WRONG?

GOD DAMN IT, WHY WHEN I NEED A HUG AND A PERSON TO CRY ON IS IT WRONG! WHY? WHY? WHY?

DAMN IT! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!

ok, I'm just venting right now...
I'm so damn angry, and so damn depressed.

I see her face, her smile when I could make her laugh and smile, when she enjoyed me...

and then I remember how much it hurt to have her turn her back on me when I needed her the most...

but her smile, it haunts my dreams...

her voice...

damn it, she completes me...

and I'm meaningless to her...

fuck me.

What is a human to do?

What am *I* to do?

You do what we all do.

[KshGoddess]

You fight for everything you get, and you kick ass, take names, punch, and kick until you get yourself out of the situation you're in.

You find *one thing* that brings you joy and hope, and you cling to it for all you're worth. You keep looking for work, even if it's crappy work. If you have to, lie about your (more than adequate) experience. Pretend to be clueless when you apply to brain-dead jobs. Omit the fact that you were a brain surgeon or rocket scientist. Retail doesn't want to think that you're goi

Re:You do what we all do.

[subgeek]

usually i try to think of something to help you feel better about things, but i think KG has it covered pretty well.

i'm sorry you were hurt. things get better. as long as you don't quit, you haven't lost. as for suicide, i can think of more than one period in time when i wanted to cease existing. if i thought it possible i would have wanted to erase myself from ever existing so no one would ever remember me. now that it's later and i didn't take my life, i can say very honestly that i'm glad i didn't.

Re:

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:You do what we all do.

[KshGoddess]

New .sig for me, from "War on Drugs". Sadly enough, depression seems to be a common theme for friends of mine. Crap happens, and they spiral into themselves.

Take care of yourself, one way or another.