VonGuard's Journal: Dr. Phil Thinks You're a Fat Ass

Dr. Phil is the reason or economy is picking up.

Let's break it down a bit. Today, everyone thinks they are worthless. why? Because television, movies, magazines, every form of media they see tells them this. The internet doesn't directly tell them this, but it does fuel the "Real Life" form of humor in which people are laughed at ironically. American Movie. The Star Wars Kid. The I Kiss You guy. Punk'd.

All of these pieces of media art are focused on reminding the viewer that unless you are watching these proceedings, you are being made fun of.

Television gives people false love. I may not have any friends, but The Friends love me, right? Dr. Phil is a caring friend that wants to help you, show you why you are a fucked up piece of shit so you can fix that!

OK, like it or not, stay at home moms are still very common. There's a ton of them around the US, and they all love Oprah. Oprah tells these women to buy a book, and that book becomes a National Best Seller. Women love to read.

Oprah loves Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil does a ton of guest shots on Oprah. His Texas charm wins him a following. He gets his own show based on telling people that he is a good person, a caring person with a southern way of living and a keen insight into the inner workings of his guest's minds.

The housewives of America are now watching Dr. Phil. So what does Dr. Phil do? He writes a book that says all of his fans are big worthless fat asses.

Suicide? No, brilliant. What's the one thing every American woman thinks about herself? She's too fat. Now, not only do these housewives think they're fat, NOW they're closest friend and confidant tells them that they are fat.

So now, every housewife and aspiring stay at home mom has to rush out and buy Dr. Phil's book, because not only does it tell them they are a big fat ass, but it also tells them how not to be a big fat ass.

BAM! It's a best seller. BAM! Weight Watcher's enrollments are up. BAM! Low fat shit sells out at the supermarket. POW! Diet stuff is selling through the roof.

All diet food costs more than regular food, even though, technically, it has less in it.

Work out equipment starts selling. Running shoes, Stairmasters. Hand weights. Wal-Mart is rolling in it because, not only do they sell all this diet shit, they also sell Dr. Phil's book, which is now in it's 7th printing and in paperback so that the nice ladies can take the book to the beach, where they will cover their seemingly hideous bodies in a blanket, plop themselves under an umbrella and tell themselves how absolutely horrible, ugly, and fat they are while reading page after page of Dr. Phil telling them this very fact.

Dr. Phil does this in a very subtle way. He first tells people they are fine, dandy, good people, deserving of love (mostly TV love). Then he tells them that they have the ability to change anything they want to about themselves, something these readers should already have learned because it is a powerful truth.

But now Dr. Phil turns it all around and focuses his book specifically on losing weight. It's a sure fire winner! I don't think I have ever met a woman that thought she was the perfect weight, that didn't consider herself at least a few pounds over sultry size. Dr. Phil probably hasn't either.

The only possible way Dr. Phil could make more money off of the women of America is if he sold anatomically correct Mel Gibson love dolls, because aside from weight loss, Mel Gibson is the only other thing 100% of the women in America have in common.

Dr. Phil doesn't care about you. Dr. Phil thinks you're a big fat ass. If Dr. Phil's diet shit is so god dammed effective, then why is Dr. Phil so fat. Look at the man. He's an easy 200, and I somehow doubt that Dr. Phil is a secret dynamo of masculine physique. If he were, housewives around the country would be closing their eyes at night and pretending to be fucking Dr. Phil instead of their flaccid husbands.

Remember, this is an America only thing. About 70% of the remaining females left on this planet don't consider themselves too fat; they consider themselves ravenously hungry because they can only afford one spoonful of rice per day.

Perhaps all these bacon cheese burger fearing women, the better half of which is likely not really at all fat, go to Indonesia or rural India for a few weeks, then try to turn down that second helping of salad?

I suppose this is the worst possibly place to address the females of America, seeing as how women don't geek half as much as men. But here goes:

Dr. Phil thinks you're a fat ass. You are not, in fact, a fat ass. Thinking you are a fat ass is good for business. Stop thinking you are a fat ass and corporations will be badly damaged.