Fux the Penguin's Journal: How to save the hubble

Original post attached to NASA Debates How and When to Kill Hubble Telescope:

First, I'll preface my comments by stating that I think the Hubble Space Telescope has been a fantastic boon to science. It has allowed us to peer farther out in space, and farther back in time, than we ever thought possible. This has helped increase not only scientific awareness among the public, but also helped push for greater funding for space-related enterprises in Congress. After all, there's nothing like a picture of a quasar, burning brightly as it streaks around the sun, to hypnotize a mentally deficient Senator into loosening the purse strings.

That said, I think the government has been spending far too much money on the telescope over the past few years. Sure, at first it was cheap and easy, and the "oooh's" and "aaahhh's" of delighted schoolchildren certainly help drown out the cacophony of "this costs HOW much?!" cries from whistle-blowing dog washers. So, perhaps, then it's time to make this enterprise profitable! I've been hearing a lot about space tourism, and I think this could be just the ticket to turn this failing boondoggle around.

How much do you think Lance Bass, Kenny Blankenship, or Julie Ahoolian would pay to travel to space to look through the telescope with their own eyes? I'd imagine quit a bit! Then, they could even turn the telescope around, and use it to peer back at our own home, Mother Earth. I bet you could see your house from up there! The only thing that worries me is that they may use it as a sun-focusing death ray to burn up enormous swaths of our fair countryside. However, that is a small price to pay to keep the Hubble up and flying, and to please celebrities.

The funds from this, of course, will pay to maintain the telescope. Also, keep in mind now that China dominates the skies, maintenance on the telescope could be outsourced to cheap Chinese immigrant labor. This seems like a win-win-win for all concerned, and I encourage you all to write your congress-people, and tell them, with one clear voice, "Keep our Space Microscope Accessible to Celebrities with Chinese Coolie Labor!"

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An alert reader also mentioned that we can outsource the call center to India, further increasing our savings, and profits! I like the cut of this man's jib! Excellent point, sir!