puckhead's Journal: The Worst of Anonymous Coward 9

Hi all,

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about where Linux development should head after 2.6 is out. Specifically, I've been thinking about how we ought to make some cultural changes as well as technical changes. Now I'm not entirely sure what directions we should head in as we move towards 3.0, but I'd like to point out a few areas that need to be addressed as well as propose some possible solutions. Nothing is set in stone yet, but these are definitely issues we need to work on.

First off, I don't like a lot of the elitism that does on among Linux hackers. Just because you can tell what the following script does without executing it, doesn't mean that you're some kind of god.

  #! /usr/bin/perl
@k = unpack "a"x5,'x_,d@';@o = unpack "a"x19,'Q8>tUxLm\@`Y%N@cIq]';
while ($i19){print chr((ord($o[$i])-ord($k[$i++%5])+91)%91+32);}

Learning to hack Un*x is an impressive accomplishment, but it's closer kin to solving a Rubik's cube than scaling Everest. If you think using Un*x makes you some kind of super genius who should be feared by mere mortals and end users, either get over it or start using *BSD. *BSD users (and developers) are all complete jackasses, so you'll fit right in.

Secondly, I'd like to address the issue of cleanliness. Quite frankly, the standards of personal hygiene practiced by many members of this community are simply unacceptable. As you all know, I am a fairly clean cut, well-kempt person (I know, I have a bit of a gut, but compared to Maddog, Nick Petreley or ESR, I'm a modern Adonis.), and in the Linux community that is something of an anomaly. Virtually all users of Linux (and all other forms of Un*x) are unkempt, longhaired, beast-bearded dirty GNU hippies, and I am sick and tired of having to deal with them.

The person I have the greatest problem with is that (in)famous communist RMS. Now, RMS may have been responsible for GNU, the GPL, GCC and many other contributions to the computing community, but his stance, as well as stench, displayed in his essays and actions, nauseates me. I mean, with that filth-ridden beard of his, where does he have room to demand that people refer to Linux as GNU/Linux? When he is as clean-shaven as I, he may claim that right, but until then, he should go back to playing his little flute and dropping acid like there's no tomorrow. Honestly, if he doesn't shut his mouth and go back to reading Marx, I'm going to shut it for him. I am sorry to sound so harsh, but a little hygiene every once in a while is a Good Thing(TM). Makes me wish I'd gone with a closed source license back in the day.

Next in line of dirty scuzz-balls I have to deal with, and probably the worst thorn in my side, is Alan Cox, the primary coder of my kernel's TCP/IP stack (ha, what a joke!) and all around dirty GNU hippy. Alan views toothpaste the same way a vampire views garlic. The man's wife (who I spent a few years with at the University of Helsinki) often calls me crying in the middle of the night to complain of the rank, unbearable stench the man exudes after sex. On several occasions at trade shows, exhibitions and beer bashes, I have nearly fainted from the torrent of rotten odor that pours from every inch of his toxic person. Along with the typical GNU hygiene (mis)habits he practices, he also bitches and whines about... well, everything. He lies a lot too; evidence for this can be seen in the fact he almost always wears cheap black sunglasses when talking to people he knows are better than him (such as myself).

And then we come to ESR. I won't reiterate the sewer-dweller like cleansing habits he practices as well, but I would like to focus on his general lifestyle. I like to refer to ESR as AGB or "Arrogant Gas Baron." The man's flatulence is legendary. I honestly believe that given a meal of refried beans and a match, he could reach low earth orbit. If you have to meet with ESR for any reason, arrange for the meeting to be outdoors and try to stay upwind. And his flatulence isn't limited to his posterior either. Frequently it comes out his mouth or even out of his keyboard. (Those of you who have read "The Cathedral and the Bizarre" or "Meditations of Sudden Wealth" will know exactly what I'm talking about here.) Additionally, he is a complete hillbilly. You know, the kind that goes to inner-city computer stores and buys 386s to set up as servers all over his house, with cigarette smoke-stained 14" monitors piled high upon his kitchen table. He has neither grace nor charm and can't last 15 seconds in conversation with educated company without drifting into a tirade on gun rights or the best methods for tanning road kill. Couple the above facts with his ruddy complexion (from drinking Jagermeister like it's water) and his child-molester mustache and you've got the makings of one more person who pisses me off.

Well, that's it for now. Hopefully with these feelings off my chest and into the Open Source community, things will change for the better. I'd like just once to talk to a Linux user or advocate who washes and changes their clothes at least weekly. Until then, I will be rejecting patches from anyone whose grooming standards do not measure up.

Thank you,
--Linus Torvalds.