So after exchanging a few nasty emails with Dell Support, they are actually sending someone out to me to fix it. The tech called me earlier today and he is waiting for the replacement keyboard to show up.
Amazing, all the evil things I've heard about Dell support, and they're actually coming through for me. The only mysterious part is this: I have 28 days left in my extended service contract. Don't parts usually fail right AFTER the warranty expires?
Update 6/3 7:17 pm: The technician came by, swapped out my keyboard with a brand spanking new one, did it in about 10 minutes much to my surprise, and after he let me test it to make sure I was satisfied, off he went. Now my only problem is my keyboard looks new, but the rest of my laptop's outer shell doesn't.