Chacham's Journal: Verbiage: Some puns

Just reviewed tearablepuns.org. I laughed, i cried, they were tear-able.

Here's the ones i liked, some reworded:
  (Yes, i reviewed all of them.)
  (I rejected some because i've heard them before.)

The number 13? Not on my watch!!
The two crows that tried to start their own flock were charged with attempted murder.
If attacking clowns, go for the juggler.
I gave away my dead batteries free of charge.
I'm still working on a construction joke.
You can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac. They take things, literally.
I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
What do you call a herd of giggling cows? Laughing stock.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roaming Catholic.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
Secretary, please tell the invisible man I can't see him today.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
A boy swallowed some coins. The doctor checked him out and said, "No change yet."
This book on beating gravity is great; i can't put it down!
After surviving mustard gas and pepper spray, he was considered a seasoned veteran.
My flashlight died. I'm delighted.
C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
It was nice when i let my fingernails grow a little. But now it's getting out of hand!
I _would've_ kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign language.
A guy stayed on a merry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record.
No one seams to like my jokes about patch work! I've tried sew hard...
When the shoe salesman offered me Velcro shoes, I said, "Sure, why knot?"
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Male deer have buck teeth.
That was a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm? He's all right now.
She gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
She applied at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said it's all mail there.
The roundest knight at the Round Table was Sir Cumference. He had too much pi.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Witches' parking only: All others will be toad.
That theatrical performance about puns was just a play on words.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
I dyed my hair today. It was the highlight of the week.
About Rosh Hashana: shofar, so good.
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt.
The paint catapult won the competition with flying colors.
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
I can have dinner at a native American restaurant. Who needs reservations?
A pun at maturity is fully groan.
As a couple, oxygen and potassium make are OK.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Noone laughed when i fell while skating. But the ice sure cracked up.
Pinning pictures on a bulletin board seems a bit tacky.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The calendar's days are numbered.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
He often broke into song because when couldn't find the right key.
What's the difference between a democratic system and a feudal system? In one your vote counts, in the other, your count votes.
The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Hungry? A boiled egg is hard to beat.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
The egoist took revenge on another, I for I.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination.
A pessimist's blood type is B-negative
---
Submitted a couple:

Bobby told Billy he stopped a stampede. That's was the biggest bunch of bull he ever herd.
Useless people online are e-feckless.

Peak punishment

[insanecarbonbasedlif]

I think your post achieves peak pun-ish meant.