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thePsychologist's Journal: More Funny Amazon Reviews

Journal by thePsychologist

A review for an IWC watch for 204000 USD (save 36000):

This watch is horrible! Do not buy it, under any circumstances! This watch ruined my life, and I'm sure it will ruin yours too.

How did it ruin my life, you may ask me. Well, it is not due to a lack of money. The price of this watch meant nothing to me. I've been in contact with so many Nigerians within the past few years and helped them so much with their uncle King Abazarujabahad-ruh that they each send me approximately $50,000,000 per month for my efforts. What did end up ruining my life, however, was the way the watch worked.

See, the watch doesn't work using a normally charged battery. Nor is it one of those fancy "charge-as-you-move" watches. No, this watch actually works at the level of your soul. Positioned at just the right distance from your hand, this watch sits flush with your soul. Every 44 hours, it has to recharge itself with your soul. It does it while you're sleeping, so you don't even notice!

You may be wondering why I wear the watch when I'm sleeping. The answer, is that it has a self-soldering clasp on it. Once you put it on your wrist, it solders itself together, so that nobody can steal the watch from you, unless they chop off your wrist and slide it off. Unfortunately, if they do that, then they can't get it onto their own wrists, unless they chop it off too.

Anyway, back to the soul stealing - every few nights, this watch saps your soul, bit by bit, until one day, when you wake up, you're in Hell! I awoke just this morning to the smell of sulfur and brimstone. Upon opening my eyes, I realized I was in Hell, without a soul. I was astounded! I hadn't deserved to be down here. But, alas, I was. All because of this stupid watch. The only nice thing is that Satan himself loves my watch. He has been serving me all day, just so that he can get glimpses of my watch.

I did notice that on the side of my watch, there is a small etching which says "666". I'm not sure what exactly that means. I'm assuming that it means I have the 666th watch created in this collection. However, I cannot be sure.

Despite stealing my soul and destroying my life, this watch is absolutely horrible at keeping track of time. It loses a second of time for every second passed. I bought it at 4:00pm a few weeks ago, and it appears to still be 4:00pm on that very same day. Hmmm, perhaps that is why I went to Hell. Perhaps I broke free of the space-time continuum, and landed inside Hell. I may try my best to break free of it again and see if I can get back onto earth. If I can figure out the powers of the watch, I may be able to sell this thing on Ebay for much more than I paid for it! Then I can buy me even more of these watches. Perhaps I will give one to each of my Nigerian friends. They can break free of time and see their dead uncle Abazarujabahad-ruh. That would be splendid!

Alas, my time is running short. The time is about up for my watch, so I must go to sleep and let it recharge. If this works well, I will certainly change my review to a 5-star. But for now, a 1-star will suffice, until I can understand more the working complexes of this magnificent watch.

Thank you for allowing me to purchase this watch, thank you for allowing me to go to Hell, and thank you for giving me this wonderful deal on the watch. I love it, but I will certainly miss my SD friends.....at least until I can break the continuum again, once and for all.

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