vorlich's Journal: The Alex Baldwin Translation Table

"Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone. "

"Hi Honey (Pumpkin, Sweetheart appropriate endearing family name) I'm sorry it took so long to call."

"You have made an ass out me of for the last time. "

"It's a real shame we missed each other again"

"Three letters: ABA. A, Always, B, Be, A, Answering. Always be answering. Always be answering. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? "

"Hey I could get you one of those Blackberry phones and whenever you can't talk - I can always email you"

I know you are 'cause it's pick up the phone or get your ass straightened out. You answer or you get hit with a brick. Decision. Have you made your decision to pick up the phone? And action. AIDA. Pick up the goddamn phone. You got a call coming in, you think I made it because I've got nothing better to do? "

"I guess I got the time wrong again, I'm really sorry (endearing family name). If you send me text me and let me know when is a good time, I'll call you back."

I could be shouting shit at random people on the street, but I'm calling you.

"I'm thinking of going on Sean Hannity's radio show again and wanted to ask you what you think I should say"

I don't care that you're twelve or eleven or whatever, are you pig enough to pick it up? "

"You know, just this morning I was thinking about the day you were born and how important you are to me."

I'm a good father, and you're a pig. I don't give a shit. Good father. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you thoughtless pain in the ass?

"I'm so proud of you and you make me so happy to be your dad, you are such a great kid."

AIDA. Get mad you daughter-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to answer my call? It takes brass balls to answer my call. Go and do likewise. The phone is ringing, you pick it up, it's yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it.

"I think the world of you, you make my life so worthwhile"

You better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. Pig.

"I am so looking forward to seeing you on the twentieth, it's going to a fun day."

Oh, also, tell your mother I said "Go fuck yourself."

"Tell your Mom, I said hi and always remember whatever happened between your mom and me we are both still your parents and you should always respect your mom.

This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance.

This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance.