The Turd Report's Journal: The Turd Report 11/11/2002

My live-in GF demanded TacoBell last night. I don't care for it, but didn't feel like going to two places, so I had Taco Bell as well. I had 5 soft tacos and a Dr. Pepper. For fast food, it was ok. But, my body has lost most of it's defenses against pre-processed food, so there were complications. I didn't have any real problems that night. I was gassy, but alright. This morning, it was a race to the bathroom. I almost didn't make it. There was a great deal of pressure in my gut. I just got situated on the seat when it came out at full force. A fart propelled turd shot out of me. Once it was out, there was a termendous feeling of relief. I sat there waiting for any stragglers, but that was it. There was a harsh sulfur smell to it. The turd had impacted on the bowl and had flattened. It had no structure to it at all, just a mass of poo. It was a generic brown color. Part of it stuck to the side when I flushed. It took a second flush to get the bits to fall off. I rate this turd as an 8.

Oh, my Karma is now rated as 'Excellent'! Wh00t! :)

Heh

[Em Emalb]

Dude, you have mastered the art of describing your bowel movements.

Rare is the time I will laugh outloud to text, but damn, the fart-propelled turd bit was FUNNY.

Thanks!

[The Turd Report]

I am glad that you enjoyed my report. Thanks for stopping by.

Re:Thanks!

[Em Emalb]

just read in your previous report the request for pix. Please don't do this. It's one thing to hear someone describe it, quite another to see it.

yuck dude. Maybe you should try the Van Wilder approach, and go for a 10 with some Mega Colon Blow. ;)

dewd, yr a karma whooo-a

[mekkab]

COngrats on yr entry into the karma whore lifestyle. It is quite glamorous, not unlike that of an international DJ.

After 3 days of chunky soup at werk (and maybe some wine the night before, I don't remember) I have left very-hard to remove stains. Three flushes won't do it. Its more like grafitti. SO if you ever want to say "TTR WUZ HERE", go for the pop-top cans.

Fart-propelled

[Safety Cap]

What is truely the nirvana of FP Turds is when the fart starts, then the turd is ejected, finally finishing with a "pooohhhhh!" of leftover gas escaping now that the PLUG has been ejected.

Re:Fart-propelled

[The Turd Report]

And doesn't feel awesome when it is out? Like a massive weight has been removed? Outside of sex and a few intoxicants, there isn't much better.

How do you cope

[isorox]

Hoe do you cope with those sticky ones that are a bugger to wipe up afterwards?

Wet-Wipes

[The Turd Report]

I keep a pack of wet-wipes (like you'd use for a baby) handy. Wipe with the toilet paper first, to get the big easy stuff, then use the wet-wipe to get the cling-ons. I'll usually wipe one more time with paper, to be sure I got it and to dry off a bit. Your arse will thank you for it.