shankar2k's Journal: Killing the Absent-Minded Professor

[Note: Before I catch the story up to the present, let me do a quick leap forward to cover Here and Now]
I am an absent-minded professor. I admit it. I would lose my head if it weren't attached (my family would say this in a much cruder fashion). I have lost so many things through the coarse of my life. All of my plans are half-assed and at the last minute. I used to believe that this was merely reputation that I had not managed to outgrow. But after high school, i moved to Berkeley and the title returned. Then I moved to Illinois, and it came back even stronger. If you change your environment and the same thing keeps happening, then that means that it really is you.

Why am I so absent-minded? Is it innate? Am I hopeless. That is a possibility, but I refuse to accept it. So if it is not innate, then it must stem from some trait that I can change.

It is partly laziness. The evil part of me would rather shirk all responsibility and let every one else plan and take care of all the details of life, while I just scamper about. He does it because he feels neglected by people and the world around him, and he wants them all to prove their love for him. There is no way to do that though. If you don't love yourself, then no amount of proof from the outside that you are lovable will change that.

It is partly anxiety. I like to neglect the present moment. It is a hobby of mine. If you know me, you've probably seen me stare off into space or be "off in my own world." I'm usually reflecting on some great thing that happened in the past or hoping and dreaming (but not planning) about something in the future. Intellectually, I know that the present moment is the most glorious moment that ever was or will be, but it is so easy to forget.

So how does one defeat such a demon? I have tried many different tactics from organizational programs, to the intervention of others, and they would work for awhile, but eventually I would fall off the wagon and be my same old forgetful self. But I have found some success with a simple trick. Its so simple that I'm shocked that it works, but I can't deny its effectiveness.

The method is just observation. I'm trying to discipline myself to periodically observe myself, my thoughts, and my actions, and take stock of everything. Already I find myself forgetting things less. Every five minutes or so I ask myself, "what should I have in my possession? where is it all?", and I have managed to catch myself. I don't do these checks often enough though, but to increase the frequency requires disciprine. I need me some disciprine.

That is only half of the problem. A common complaint about Shankar is that he does not properly people of his plans. Partially, this is because he doesn't really have a plan and prefers to play it by ear. It also has to do with independence. As a child, my father would ask me a million questions about where I was going, why, and with who, and I felt like I was being interrogated (Note: I am not blaming my upbringing for my character flaws). So I equated being opaque about one's plans with opening oneself up for attack and criticism. To defeat this aspect I will need some determination. Whatever I do, I should ask myself "what am I doing? what services will i require? who needs to know about this?", and then take it from there.

So for New Year's 2007, I resolve to gain some Disciprine and Determination. More concretely, I resolve to be as opaque as possible about all my plans with all the people that need to know. And then maybe I won't feel like such a flake.