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SarahAnnAlien's Journal: Quick Updates, and A List Of Words

Journal by SarahAnnAlien

Hi everybody!

Sorry I haven't written... I was sick for a while... then real life was busy... etc... sigh.

Three Quick things:

First, thank you all very much for the comments, both privately, and in email. Though I haven't always been able to respond, I always appreciate the support... and yes, the help, too. I even made banana bread!

Second, I want to clear up a tiny little misconception... a couple of people have written to say, gee, sorry things are so tough for you right now... which is sweet. But... large parts of real life are actually going very, very well... far better than I had ever hoped for. I just... I don't know, I haven't been writing about that stuff here, for a variety of reasons, which I won't try to explain right now.

Oh, ok, maybe I will.

See, writing these journal thingies takes a lot out of me, emotionally, even when things are going well. I have the same problem with writing email, which is why sometimes you don't hear from me... and it makes me very sad. Don't ask me *why*, this is, that's just the way it is at the moment. But one consequence of this is that sometimes I tend to talk about what's bothering me... not all the things that are going well... because I get more out of the *experience* of writing about the things I'm struggling with. Writing about the difficult things helps me sort them out in my own mind.

So, while it may seem like I'm suffering... large parts of my life are more or less kicking some major butt these days, and I couldn't be happier about them. I'll try to find some time to write about all the good stuff that's going on, ok?

Third and final thing: I've been struggling with one thing lately. It is complicated. I'm not confident in my ability to explain it in a way that people will understand. I've been procrastinating... but it's something I need to talk about. When I find the time, energy, and emotional space, I'll take a shot at it.

In the meantime, here is a list of words.

This is not a writing exercise. It's a piece of the difficult thing I need to talk about.

I present it here without any comments, because I want to be deep and profound, and I want you all to consider these words in a zen-like manner so as to achieve a greater and more profound understanding of what it is I'll be trying to express.

Okay, that's not true... I wrote this list on a piece of scratch paper, then I accidentally left the list at work, and had to walk all the way back from the parking lot to go get it, and then I almost lost it again at the hardware store... and I don't want to lose my notes!

  • Discomfort
  • Realization
  • Conviction
  • Desire
  • Denial
  • Hiding
  • Coping
  • Shame
  • Discovery
  • Pressure
  • Revelation
  • Commitment
  • Drive
  • Sacrifice
  • Loss
  • Survivor
  • Rebuilding

I'll talk about the words later... I hope... this is all I have the time and energy for tonight.

The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.

Working...