Fiver-rah's Journal: Personal Statement, Part II

I posted my last version of my personal statement a while back. After posting it, I decided it was total crap and didn't convey half of what needed to be conveyed. It got across a little of my sense of humor and a little of my sense of purpose, but generally was total crap. So I thought and thought and thought and thought. Finally I decided on a two-pronged attack. I'm submitting a specialized individualized essay to all the schools I'm applying to saying "This is why I want to go to YOUR school". I'm going to talk a little bit more about specifics in that. My personal statement is going to be just that. Personal. I made a list of all the reasons why a law school should accept me. It looks like this:

• Brilliant
• Hard working
• Really, really strong
• Eloquent
• Sense of humor
• Capable
• Very cool.
• Different background
• Thoughtful
• Modest! Humble! Oh so humble!

Okay, that last is a joke. Still, I figured that my personal statement should really give them an idea of how amazing I truly am (and this is really arrogant on my part--but I am cool, and dammit, I should get into law school because of it). So here is my personal statement. You might recognize one or two sentences, but the form, content, and theme have morphed almost entirely. There are going to be some edits after this (particularly the first paragraph, which I assert is "not gripping enough" and the last sentence, which doesn't quite say what I want it to say), but this is essentially it, people. Tell me what you think. Criticisms away. And thanks to everyone!

... I'm deleting this 'cause (a) It's not what I sent and (b) I don't think I want this up here anymore.

Some Woman, editor extraordinaire

[Some Woman]

It needs more of an introduction.

The story could be improved a bit. There seem to be a lot of side comments that are somewhat awkward. They seem to give a clue as to your sense of humor, but I think it can be done better. I do think the "freshman chemistry" observation balances out the "highest grade" comment, so that you can note your accomplishment without sounding too into yourself.

Maybe a better segue before the last paragraph? I don't have any ideas, though.

When I take oath to support, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States as a member of the bar of whatever state I choose to practice in, the weight of that pledge will be everything I have attained and hope to attain.

"member of the bar of whatever state I choose to practice in" is a little awkward.

Other than that, I really liked it. You still have a standing offer at the Some Woman's School of Law. :)

Re:Some Woman, editor extraordinaire

[TechnoLust]

I agree, you could probably drop the whole "member of the bar of whatever state I choose to practice in" thing. When you say, "When I take oath to..." they will logically assume that you are taking the oath as a member of the bar. And obviously you would do this in whichever state you would choose to practice in. You wouldn't take the oath to become a member of the bar in Florida if you were going to practice in California. So it seems a little redundant (and somewhat repetitive) :-) to me.

I liked the modest and humble list item... I used to be extremely humble, but it's a rough world out there, and if you don't talk yourself up, no one will. Especially when competing for a position, whether in a law school or at a company. You have to do the verbal equivalent of going in and pounding your fists on the desk and screaming, "I'm the best one for the job and I know it!" To paraphrase that Kid Rock song, "It isn't bragging if you back it up."

Re:Some Woman, editor extraordinaire

[Fiver-rah]

Redundant, repetitive and saying the same thing twice. You're both right. That goes. I'm in the process of tightening things up right now.

Re:Some Woman, editor extraordinaire

[Tet]

"member of the bar of whatever state I choose to practice in" is a little awkward.

Not only that, but it should be phrased as:

member of the bar of whatever state in which I choose to practice

As a general comment, I thought it was a pretty strong piece. However, the opening paragraph definitely needs some work. It's too wordy, and gives the impression of dwelling on that aspect of your life to attract sympathy, rather than to act as an introduction to the rest of the statement. In fact, I'd probably scrap the first paragraph altogether, and just start with something like:

In 1988, I left my husband when it became apparent that he wanted a subservient wife rather than an equal partner.

And then from there continue with what is currently your second paragraph. My biggest complaint, though is your preamble:

I figured that my personal statement should really give them an idea of how amazing I truly am (and this is really arrogant on my part--but I am cool, and dammit, I should get into law school because of it).

Have you considered including that in your actual statement? I personally think it gives a much better insight into you as a person than does the statement as it currently stands. Honesty counts for a lot. And let's face it, in the legal world, so does arrogance... I certainly would look favourably on something like that, if nothing else purely as a break from the tedium that will arise from reading countless personal statements. An interesting exercise is to try reading through a bunch of CVs (that's a "resume'" for those of you on the other side of the pond) sometime. It's amazing how tedious it becomes after a very short period of time. Anything that breaks the dull repetativeness is looked on favourably. Bear in mind, of course, that I (and probably others here) have a geek mindset, and those sitting on the admissions board for a law school probably think somewhat differently...

Daoine, editor not as extrordinaire as SomeWoman

[daoine]

I like this one much more than your first - I think it does a much better job of getting across your strengths as a person and what you want to do.

I think a lot of the things I'd change are wording -- things that just don't sound right to my brain as I was reading through this...

In a series of unpleasant conversations, I came to realize that he wanted a wife, not a partner,
I'm having trouble reconciling the word 'wife' as an evil word. I understand what you're trying to say, but the word wife is rubbing me the wrong way -- it's kind of overloading the word weirdly or something. Maybe something more like 'I came to realize that we were not equal partners in our relationship, and he would be much happier if I...'

and any pretense at financial stability.
pretense of? Although, I'm not sure I like the wording -- maybe you just lost any sense of financial stability..

And yet I am not the sort of girl who grovels.
This feels repetitive because you say 'I am not the sort of girl who backs down from a challenge. ' 2 sentences before -- maybe change the phrasing of one of them? Personally, I'd change the phrasing of the first one, and remove the 'And yet' from the second one.

You see, I got the highest grade in my physical chemistry class by five...
I'd take out the 'You see' part -- doesn't really need to be there. It sounds like you're trying to soften the statement so it doesn't sound like bragging, but I think that's accomplished in the () more elegantly.

I am a member of several of the outraged communities, and as such I watch these conflicts with heightened awareness.
I almost want a little more from this whole paragraph - more about what you're involved with and how it's shaped what you believe, maybe it only needs a sentence or two more...

vows to get my life,..
'get' is a boring word, and it doesn't really say what you're trying to say either. Obtain? Discover? Find? Reclaim? But I really like the part about understanding the value of integrity...

I like this approach - I think it works really well.

Re:Daoine, editor not as extrordinaire as SomeWoma

[Fiver-rah]

My roommate had the same objection to "wife". That word got swapped for "dependent" which is more accurate, more descriptive, and conveys much more of my frustration.

The repetition of "I am not the sort of girl who X" was conscious. Actually, I do it three times (once in the first paragraph, too) and then reverse it in the "Luckily, this is not the sort of story that ..." My goal was to add continuity to the structure of the story and simultaneously to emphasize that this is not a story about what bad things happened to me. I think the pattern is also amusing on a purely formal level. Ah well. I have a weird sense of humor. So it stays. I think what I need to do is make the repetition more obvious so that it's clear that it's intentional, and also, so that the structure stands out more cleanly.

I want more from the paragraph about communities, too, but I'm working with space constraints. I don't have room to say anything else! This has to fit on a page, 11 point type, with 1 inch margins. It barely does. Barely. My solution is that there is another essay which most schools want me to write which goes something like: "Why are you applying to our school, and why should we accept you?" That's the point where I spell out more explicitly what communities I've been involved with, explain what makes me unique, and explain how my involvement dovetails with publications/research/statements by faculty members. I think that's as good as I can do under the circumstances. So the information is left out of the personal statement, but not entirely neglected.