bersl2's Journal: An epiphany (and not a positive one)

Whenever I have complained here about any detrimental event in my life, I imagine that it has been mostly about problems due to outside influence; and when it has been due to flaws in my person, I imagine that said flaws have been minor and trivial ("I imagine", because I'm at the edge of my access point's range, and I don't want to continuously hold my machine in the weird angle required for Internet access in order to verify this).

Well, that's not the case this time.

Whenever I have previously felt compelled to troll for sympathy (or whatever it is I seek), I have restrained myself. I rationalize this by telling myself that nobody likes a whiner.

This time, I will permit this to go through. (However, everything is subject to (de)intensification.)

So what did I realize that I must announce in such a dramatic manner?

I have finally seen for myself just how pathologically schizoid-narcissistic* I am, and how even one small example behavior out of a myriad of ways can make life miserable.

I may elaborate when I wake up tomorrow afternoon---if I even have the strength to look at this entry again.

* This is not self-diagnosis---well, at least I don't think it is, unless I manufactured those memories of my being told this by my doctor (years ago), in which case I certainly still have a problem.

---

Heh. Saw the first subject header: "So what?"

I don't know, I guess I just needed to vent. You should be glad that I do not inveigh online against myself more often.

Also, it should be noted that, having experienced and read about such things, I know enough to be dangerously wrong. And to top things off, I spend way too much time observing myself, and since you're often blind to certain things that you do and say, self-assessment is incomplete at best.

And just to complete the diagnostic portrait, add avoidant personality and generalized anxiety.

Really, I don't think I would be complaining if I did not have a number of behaviors consistent with the above (which I am able to supress from being represented here, given the textual, asynchronous, and impersonal or anonymous nature of Internet forums like /.), or if these behaviors were temporary or non-pervasive.

Example: I did not walk out of the front door of my previous house for over three years. At times, I am still weary of being seen leaving my domicile on foot, to the point of sometimes not going where I wish to go.

I believe that qualifies as behavior that is pervasive and disruptive.

...aaand the feeling which burns in my viscera, indicating that I have overexposed myself, has begun. Joy.

so what

[SharpFang]

there's a billion whiners out there, what would make you special?
(disclaimer: written while drunk.)

Re:so what

[SolemnDragon]

being willing to deal with being the source of some of one's own problems is a noble thing, and not easy. Ever.

We're never the source of ALL our problems, but we can resolve many by changing our viewpoints and behaviours.

It's never easy, and never comfortable.

bers, good luck and hang in there.

Get a real shrink, not yourself

[unitron]

Self-insight is great and all that, but no one can accurately and impartially diagnose themselves.

It's like trying to EQ a room for flat frequency response by ear without allowing for the non-linearity of one's own hearing. You wind up EQ'ing for your ears' deficiencies, not the room's, and thinking that you've got it right because it sounds right to you.

Best wishes for dealing with your situation.